Open Letter to Grandparents
Dear Grandparents,
The fact that you have been parents before and raised your children to adulthood, doesn’t always mean you are an expert on the subject of rearing children. In fact, it means nothing more than you’ve had children and they survived x amount of years.
It’s perfectly fine that you offer up your advice and personal experiences, but don’t be offended if your children don’t implement your advice into their own parenting habits. Most probably, it’s because they remember just how little impact that particular effort made on them when they were younger and living under your rules.
Also, as a friendly reminder, once your children have grown up, moved out on their own and have their own families, you must learn to ask for your children or grandchildren’s time, rather than demand it or assume you still have controlling interest. Just showing up at the door is rude and inconsiderate. It places your family in the position of awkward feeling, somewhere between guilt, obligation and resentment. Certainly that’s not the response you were aiming for, is it?
Adult children often take into consideration that their parents will always feel a certain desire to provide, however, there comes a point when that providing should be considered a gift and not necessity.
Discussing such gifts with friends and relatives in a manner that would indicate necessity is uncalled for and oftentimes embarrassing to your own children. Especially when it makes the adult children seem as if they are deficient in providing for their own families. Do your generous contributions to your children or grandchildren really require the validation and appreciation of non family members? Or is that some underlying personal need you have to feel you are making up for all the wrongs you might have made in raising your own children?
It’s time for you to enjoy life, you’ve been a parent – now it’s time to learn how to be a grandparent for the shear fun and enjoyment. Just have fun!
Yikes!
And, yet, pithy.
I’m sorry, I don’t have a teen (yet) but I have to say that this post rocks in all kinds of ways. Although, it is somewhat discouraging to see someone with teens still has these issue. Very cool.
Hmmm, Char. Was there a particular incident?
I actually welcome (mostly) my parents involvement and actually wish they would/could be more involved with my children on a regular, even if spontaneous, basis.
Neena – I probably should have prefaced this letter with an introduction. This letter was not written by me – it came from a dear friend who is dealing with these issues and needed to get thoughts off her mind and wanted to remain anonymous.
I am very blessed to have parents that have found the right balance with their grandchildren, but there are many of my friends who are not as lucky.
We don’t think for a minute that all grandparents or parents are perfect. Living in a family can be hard work, most families fall out and we should not feel embarrassed to seek advice if our relationships are not going well.
These check lists have been produced from our experiences, with the best interests of the children in mind, because it is them who suffer most when adults argue.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN
Parents
Have you – fallen out with your parents or in-laws?
Have you – refused your children the right to see or visit their Gran
or Granda?
Have you – dug your heels in with all that “Power” over everyone
and feeling good?
Do you – “Alienate” (brainwash) your children about their
Grandparents and then turn it around and say “but it is
the children themselves that don’t want them”?
Do you – use your children as weapons to win an argument against
the Grandparents?
Do you – wonder why, as your children get older, how disrespectful
they are becoming?
Do you – know Nursery and Primary school children talk about their
Grandparents as part of their education?
Are yours the odd ones out having nothing to say?
Do you – hate the Grandparents so much that you are willing to put
your own children through this emotional hell?
Do you – know all this is child “Abuse”? Are you guilty?
Are you – horrified by this? Not realising it is the children who suffer
most in the long run.
One of the most common points that comes up is that grandparents are full of confidence in bringing up a family and quite rightly so. The confidence they have can sometimes comes across as patronising. Have a wee think in case that’s you and if you could ease the situation.
STOP AND THINK
If you are estranged, try writing to the parents.
Grandparents
1) Learn to bite your tongue. It’s their way, it may not be yours.
2) Don’t dominate, suggest. Be prepared to accept no.
3) Remember the children are the responsibility of their parents.
4) You raised your family your way, let them do it their way.
5) Let the parents build up their own confidence.
6) Be friendly, you don’t have to love or like somebody to be civil.
7) If able, be prepared to help when asked, step back when not.
Stress that it is the whole family you would like to see, not just the children. The adults can feel left out, so befriend her or him especially. Be prepared to ‘give’ a lot if you want to get back into your grandchildren’s lives.
9) Find out about Mediation is in your area. Be prepared to attend.
10) The situation can be delicate, never lose your temper. Be prepared to accept you can be wrong – agree to disagree.
Give your children a better chance. Call us we can help – 0141 882 5658