Our Kids Are Growing Up: New Questions and Concerns
November 18, 2007 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
When it’s Charlie and me out in public together now, we’ve been getting some different kinds of looks. People seem not so sure how we are related: Siblings? Mother and son? We’re about the same height; he has the beginning shadow of a moustache; our conversation is mostly made up of exchanges of a few words (nouns, mostly—things to eat, things to do). Charlie is growing up.Two recent comments from two mothers whose sons are around the same as Charlie raise two issues on my mind more: Charlie’s earlier years were a constant effort to find out about, assess, and try therapies; to find programs where he could have some (any) interaction with typical children; to search out toys that he might like after we taught him to play with. These sorts of concerns are still there and, indeed, have become overly familiar. New things to worry about include what one mother brought up recently: Shaving.
My 16-year-old autistic teenager has been shaving with a disposable manual shaver (under Dad’s close supervision thus far). He doesn’t have to shave that often yet. However, we’ve noticed that he enjoys feeling vibrations on his skin (f.ex. from handheld massagers), so we’re thinking that an electric shaver for Christmas would both get the “peach fuzz” off and be a sensory gadget for him. We don’t want him to get an electric shock through carelessness, though, so we’re looking for something that’s either “shockproof” or can be operated “wet/dry”, is as simple as possible to operate, and isn’t super expensive ($50 or so max). Any suggestions?
Another mother has this worry; her son is now in middle school.
I have an 11 son diagnosed at 3; we have been blessed with this child and his younger sister. But recentlty he went into middle school 6th grade and has made comments such as “the world hates me” and he wants to kill himself saying nobody loves him etc. All these statements are made under extreme emotionally events (to him , to anybody else the situation is no big deal but to him…..) Has anybody else expeirenced a simiular situation? Obviously this is a concern to all involved and can’t be ignored and for the better part of his life he has been very successful. He may not have a lot of friends but does have a stable few and can make a friend in a second . He even has a “girlfriend”. The thought of him being even a little serious about suicide is alarming. Any help, suggestions, comments etc. are greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I do wonder about how my son feels about why he is always with us and not with kids his age who are clearly talking to each other; why it is he who must be different; why people stare or avoid him. When he was younger, people always liked to comment about Charlie being “cute”; people communicate something different when they see a tall boy with strong shoulders crying or speaking in what sounds like babble.Yes, any suggestions, help, comments on these topics, are much appreciated.
I wish I had some answers. Pete is only 6 and still qualifies as “cute” or “little professor.” I’m only a head taller than him now, though, and I’m sure the time of him noticing he’s “different” and verbalizing that to me is coming.
We aren’t really there yet because my Aspie son is only 8 1/2 and very small for his age. People can’t tell who is older, him or his NT 6 year old brother. We get looks when he throws a tantrum but that is thankfully rare these days.
He is really bright and began asking questions when he was 6 or 7 about why he does things (takes a pill, takes a bus to school) and his brother does not. I started by explaining that his brain works a little bit differently.
When he began special ed in first grade, I asked him whether he liked his new class better or his old (regular ed kindergarten) class better and he told me that he liked his new class better. When I asked him why, he told me that he was a “stranger” in his old class. Even in his own 6 year old world, he knew something was different.
Although he is bright, his judgment is not always what it should be especially regarding safety. He’s much too daring for his age so I am expecting some real arguments as he gets older about why other kids his age get to do things that he does not. We have begun to talk about Asperger’s and I think it’s really important for him to know about it because he definitely notices things. He asks when he will be able to be in the “big” class all of the time (he’s in partial inclusion now) so I explained that the teachers will put him in the big class when he’s able to focus.
It’s hard because I want him to understand the differences without feeling bad about himself. So far, his self esteem seems okay but I still worry.
One of our therapists suggested tonight that we wait on the shaving—-go for the “Magnum PI” look…..
Hey, if it worked for Tom Selleck…
Well I am a little late to catch this train but wanted to repsond about shaving. I started my son at 12y/o with a Braun 370 portable, battery powered shaver. From the reviews I had read, most of the men liked this one because of ease of use, portability and a nice shave. It is also relatively inexpensive. My son has just graduated to a razor (gulp). It’s kind of amusing trying to teach him how to shave with a razor since my experience happens to be with legs and underarms
Also a quick note to the parent whose child is so distressed that he threatened suicide – my son went through the same thing in fifth grade. The teasing and bullying were awful. The teacher was a disaster. And he was becoming aware that something was not quite right with him. I got him to a therapist at a medical group that specialized in ADD/ADHD/Autism. She specialized in pyschotherapy for kids with special needs. Not only did she listen to him but she taught him coping skills, social skills and boosted his self esteem immensely. He went from being very depressed and suicidal to a confident tween. I hope that the parents can find similar support in thier area. I believe that many clinics that offer support for ADD/ADHD are now branching out to include autism – hope this helps!
k
I agree that you should wait until the moustache becomes a problem before worrying about removing it. I ride to work with someone who looks like they never shaved, and all he has is the sparse upper lip coverage. As a result of learning to shave, and having a sleep disorder (that helps make it hard finding time to shave in the morning) sometimes I have much more of the Miami Vice/Don Johnson look than even I am comfortable with.
On the moustache, I might suggest a “dry run” process of buying the shaver and getting acquainted with it and how it works, practicing it sans power, give lots of opportunities of watching someone using one/it, and then adding the final step of actually using one. (Kristina, I know that Charlie has been doing great programming for a long time, so count this as just “thinking aloud”).
We do dry runs for things that might be overwhelming if I tried teaching with the sounds, smells and everything. Often it’s easier than hitting the skill full throttle because we HAVE TO and really doesn’t take that much more time. (In our case it’s those “lady skills” around complicated underwear and menstrual care).
So far I haven’t noticed Eleanor seeming distressed by not having a large peer group, although she is interested in them and has some positive interactions at afterschool group. As far as comments from other people, it’s uncomfortable but I’m certainly not embarrassed by my daughter and tend to be somewhat forthright at asking people “what are they looking at?” or a long look right back, which would be the same if the matter was a visible physical difference rather than a developmental disability.
I feel the same worries as Charlie’s mom. My gentle son, 12 with very borderline PDD is now experiencing the mustache, the sudden height increase and the voice change. He is also experiencing the isolation in a group and intense emotions associated with puberty. It is all made more intense by the PDD. I am looking for resources to help him grow into a man-with a job and perhaps a family.
What options are there ? How can we help him prepare?