Outsmarted By The Teen
My sixteen-year-old is not very organized. It’s something we’ve been struggling with for years. He often doesn’t turn assignments in because they get left at home, in his backpack or in his locker. He also misplaces things. Often. A trait he learned from his father (although I doubt my husband would admit that…while he’s searching the house for his car keys).
Earlier this year my son lost his school bag. Granted it [sort of] wasn’t his fault. A friend left his bag sitting on a table outside at the golf course (during golf practice) and my son thought it was still in his friend’s car. So the bag was left at the golf course never to be seen again. Which meant, not only did we have to replace the backpack, but we also have to reimburse the school for a new math book and get him a new graphing calculator. I think you can imagine how thrilled I was about this.
About a week after that he left his cell phone at his uncle’s house when he was babysitting. That was over a month ago and he still hasn’t made arrangements with his uncle to get the phone back. And I refuse to make those arrangements because he’s 16 and needs to work this stuff out on his own.
Sometime between then and now he also lost his wallet. His wallet that contained his ATM card, his school activity pass and his driver’s permit. We told him it’s his responsibility to replace his ATM card and his school activity pass. He doesn’t have any money in his account so the ATM card hasn’t been at the top of his list and he’s been grounded so he hasn’t been to any school activities. But until he replaces the pass he will have to pay admission to school activities, which will be difficult since he has no money. But whatever. Not my problem.
The driver’s permit was another story. He started driver’s ed last week and needs to have his driver’s permit. Normally I would still let this be his problem, but I paid $350 for driver’s ed and he will go to every class, drive every time he’s supposed to and he will like it.
He drives for the first time tomorrow night so he needs to have his permit. My husband was going to take him to the DOT right after school, but then they got in to an argument just as they were going out the door. It ended with the teen storming off and screaming, “FINE then I’ll just drop out of driver’s ed and you’ll be out all that money.” Dang it. He had us there. Of course we’re not going to let him drop out of driver’s ed. If it came down to it I guess we could let him drop and make him reimburse us, but then we’re right back to the ATM discussion. No funds.
Sometimes teens are just too smart for their own good.
Ughh! My sympathies, I don’t know how I’d handle this.
You’re clearly right on that balancing point, where you know you need to force him to take responsibility for his actions, but for some of them, you can’t let him fail. The money is a big motivator in one direction; the knowledge that he’ll feel – even if he didn’t intend it – that he got away with something motivates in the other. It seems pretty apparent that he’s just about beyond the punishment phase; ie, he’s grounded, he has no money, what else does he want that you can take away. I’d suggest (and this is theory, which is to say that it only occasionally works for me) that you look at the other side of the equation – what does he want that he can’t get on his own, that you CAN get, and figure out a way to get him to make it worth your while. I know that thats a tall order.
i feel that you are a stupid person to think that he can out smart you like that. here’s a suggestion. make him get a JOB. kill’s like 4 birds with 1 stone:money, gained responsibility, looks good on a resume, if he starts working now maybe just maybe in thirty years he won’t still be living with you and that will be one less apathetic despondent trust fund baby breathing my air.
My son will be 17 next month. What usually works for me is taking away his privilages (video games, spending nights at friends houses’, tv,…). As for the driving, don’t take him where he wants to go.
Once when I was a teen and did something that was bad (I didn’t think it was but now know it was), my parents grounded me to the house/yard. It was summer time and I had a part time job. I could leave the house/yard to go to work (& I had my own beater car), but had to stay there any other time. No visiting friends unless they came over. No going to the pool. Nothing.
Let him know that if he drops driver’s ed that his life will be miserable without being able to go anywhere, including any/all extra-curricular events/activities (golf practice,…). Stop giving to him. Start letting him earn his privilages.