Pants Me
December 17, 2008 by angelique
Filed under Women's Health
I need pants.
I mean really desperately. I think I have two pairs of jeans that fit and three pairs of professional pants that don’t make my rear look hideous.
But, see, I can’t get pants.
Nah, it’s not because of the economy. It’s not even because I hate to shop in general (which is true). It’s because I feel FAT today. Really fat. Like I’ve gained 20 pounds overnight. Like my belly needs its own zip code.
And it’s all crap and just my head and my disordered eating and my messed up body image. Yet knowing that doesn’t make it go away.
To be fair, my stomach IS a bit distended, primarily because I ate a lot of acidic foods last night that I believe have led to some tummy distress this morning. But that’s not a good excuse, is it?
I always get worried when I see these posts (for a selfish reason), because I think “If Angelique is in recovery and she hates her body so much, then maybe there is no point in me trying recovery because I will hate my body forever.” It’s not just you…it’s people on other blogs too who are in recovery, but still struggle a lot. It must be really hard, even if you know objectively you can’t have gained 20 lbs overnight, to feel that way when you look in the mirror.
Sometimes I think I want to try to recover and other times my ed seems like a really safe place to be – after all it’s been there for ten years now. I’m scared that the most I have to look forward to is not recovery, but just abstinence (not restricting or purging, eating my meal plan) but hating myself and the way I look. So I tell myself, “Just get as skinny as possible! Then you can try recovery and it’ll be much easier since you won’t think you’re fat!”
I seem to delude myself into thinking that once I get small enough, my ED thoughts will be much better and I’ll be able to eat healthy and not get on the scale 20 times a day. But I know that’s wrong.
Haha sorry, this comment got really off topic! I’m sorry you feel fat, and I definitely know the way you feel!
Claire,
You wrote…
“I’m scared that the most I have to look forward to is not recovery, but just abstinence (not restricting or purging, eating my meal plan) but hating myself and the way I look.”
You put that so well…it terrifies me too.