Parental Authority – Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

It’s time to finish off this series on Parental Authority. Sorry for the delay. Back-to-back cases of chicken pox dominated the month of June at our house.

So, where were we? Oh yes: Communication, the essential component to any relationship. After all, without communication it’s just two people standing in the same room, right? We’re specifically interested in communication as it relates to parenting and our authority as parents. If the ultimate goal of parenting is not just to get our kids out of the house. (That’s a joke, folks.) but rather to help our children become mature and contributing members of society, then our question is this: How do we communicate as parents to our children in a way that reinforces our authority and ultimately serves that goal? Let’s get into it; I’ve got five points.

Requests vs. Commands

Kate left a comment at the beginning of this series that inspired this thought: There is a time for requests and a time for commands. The trick as a parent is to learn which is appropriate when, and to be consistent in that judgment. For example, in times of danger a command is always appropriate. But there are times when a request – at least to start – is better. If everything is a command, there are two negative consequences that I see. First, commands in general lose their power. If everything is given the same weight, it is harder for our children to know what is really important. And let’s be honest: Not everything is a matter of do-it-now-life-and-death urgency, especially as our children get older and more mature.

Second, if everything is a command, then we rob our children of the opportunity to to obey freely. If we never ask, they can never chose to obey. Again, this becomes more important as our children grow up. We must give them opportunities to make the make a loving, a giving, a sacrificial choice. If we only command them, they can’t really make the positive choice; they can only make the negative choice to disobey.

Tone of Voice

The way we speak is so important, and men and women tend to have the opposite problem. Moms, you must develop a firm, obey-me-now voice. It needs to be loud, but controlled. It should be lower in pitch than your normal voice. If should be firm and measured. These are all cues that communicate authority. Dads, develop a lighter tone. Every word that passes your lips doesn’t need to carry the weight of divine decree. Learn to vary your pitch and speak more softly. Doing so will help to communicate on an emotional level. Most importantly for both moms and dads: Learn to use the right tone at the right time.

Eye Contact & Body Language

A parent’s day is busy, but we must take time out to focus on our children when we speak to them. Eye contact communicates worth and value, and it can also communicate authority. Jo often reminds parents to get down on the child’s level. In additional, the non-verbal messages sent when standing next to a child vs. facing them head on are very different. Kneeling down – not bending over! – squaring up to the child and looking him right in the eye is a posture that says, “I mean business!” Combine it with the right tone of voice, and the non-verbal cues will be unmistakable.

Toddlers and Choices

Special thought for parents of toddlers. That age is all about choices. Offer options whenever possible, and save the direct orders for when they’re really necessary. Of course, here’s the secret: You get to make up the options. “You can pick up your toys, or you can go to bed.” Part of this is about saving the orders for when they are really necessary. As with the other points, the variety in our approach – options or none – will give our children additional clues about the nature and seriousness of our communication.

Speaking at Their Level

Finally, the words we speak must be one’s that our children will understand. Don’t forget: their vocabulary isn’t a big as ours. One option is to consciously choose smaller words. The other is to speak as you normally would and then allow time for your child to understand and ask for any necessary clarification. I use the latter approach whenever possible, if for no other reason than I like to be surprised by how much my kids understand. Again, keep the overall situation in mind. If this is a command or if action is urgent, use more familiar and simpler words so they get it right away.