Parental Authority – The Four Keys to Authority

Continuing with our series on Parental Authority. I want to share what I think are four keys to having authority as a parent. I’m certain this isn’t an complete list, so I hope you’ll add your keys in the comments. These are just the things that I’ve noticed in my own house. When I practice them, I have more authority in the eyes of my children, and they are better behaved. When I don’t, well… things go down hill for everyone. Quickly.

1. Follow-Thru

An empty threat isn’t a deterrent to bad behavior. Kids are sharp, and they quickly realize when we’re bluffing. If “one more time…” doesn’t mean one more time, then the bad behavior will continue unabated. If you’ve put your cards on the table by spelling out a consequence, you’ve got to go thru with it.

How many times have we seen Jo work with a parent on this? Jo’s rule: One warning, then straight to the naughty spot. You don’t haggle; you don’t dicker. Once the line is crossed, you’ve got to follow thru.

Now, you have to be careful. If you lay out a consequence, make sure it’s appropriate for the misbehavior. Quid pro quo; the punishment ought to match the crime. So, you have to think before you speak, which leads into the next key.

2. Self-Control

As a parent, you have got to be in control of yourself. My two-year old can throw a tantrum; he’s two. It’s what a two-year old does. I, however, cannot. I have to be a parent.

I’ll confess, this is the hardest one for me, particularly with my two-year old. When he’s kicking and screaming, and all reason has been thrown out the window, I’m too quick to snap and yell back. When I snap, it never helps the situation. In fact, it gets worse… and the next time is worse also, because I’ve lost a measure of authority.

Recently, Jo said something that has helped me. “You don’t have to have the last word.” When I lose my self-control, it’s normally because I want to have the last word. I want to prove I’m in charge. Well, the way to do that is to be in charge of myself first and foremost.

3. Consistency.

Consistency is related to Follow-Thru, and it hinges on expectations. Remember your high school or college Psychology classes when you studied Pavlov and his dog? Ring the bell while you bring in a bowl of food, and the dog drools. Eventually ring the bell, and the dog still drools even though the food is nowhere to be seen. The principal is the same with children. Whether we’re talking about positive or negative reinforcement, kids learn to anticipate what’s coming. Behavior can be changed thru the repetition of consequences.

This is where a parent needs endurance. As brilliant as we think our kids are, there are times when they just don’t seem to learn. No matter. The consequences need to be the same every time. Single parents, you’ve got to stick it out. Hang in there! It’ll be worth it. Married parents, you’ve got to communicate. My five-year old is already trying to play one of us off the other. Both parents have to be on the same page.

4. Time

Finally, I want to talk about time. I’m not talking about time-outs or discipline; I’m talking about good, old fashioned “quality” time. Time spent reading stories, playing games, wrestling on the floor, building towers, taking walks, coloring pictures. Time is the most important asset we own, and more than any other our children need it to thrive.

Often our children act out because they want attention. (Not always; sometimes they just don’t want to obey.) Giving them the time and attention they crave satisfies this desire and lifts you up in their eyes. The mommy or daddy who plays with them is also the one who can leap tall buildings in a single bound. She or he is the one they are more likely to obey even when they’d rather not.

Again, I don’t claim this list is exhaustive. I hope you’ll share your thoughts in the comments.

Other posts in this series:
Parental Authority – Introduction
Parental Authority – Leading By Example