Part 3 – Interview with Pat Pearson: Author of Stop Self Sabotage

Self-esteem is one area that I personally have made good strides in, but I still have a ways to go. Pat Pearson addresses self esteem in her book STOP Self Sabotage and I wanted her to clarify how a lack of self-esteem can hold you back from the good you deserve. It’s one to understand you have a lack of self-esteem, and another to actually recognize it and put a stop to it!

Enjoy the third part of our interview with Pat Pearson.

I liked your note on “creating self esteem.” How does a lack of self-esteem contribute to the problem of self-sabotage?

First, self-esteem and self-confidence are often thought of as emotionally synonymous. In fact, many of us use the words interchangeably, but I believe they are very different.

To have genuine sense of self-esteem, you have to believe you are loved and lovable, just the way you are. If you don’t believe you are loved – unconditionally — whatever you achieve will have a hollowness. Additionally, within your intimate relationships you are not going to feel attached. To have genuine sense of self-esteem, you have to believe you’re lovable. An example is that my mother let me know that she’d love me even if I’d burned the house down. She had a distinct preference that I not do that, but I knew she’d still love me. Her loving was unconditional. She loved me for my being, my personhood.

I could, and did, spend hours in my room listening to my records and eating Twinkies, being very unproductive, and she still loved me. In unconditional love there are no “have-tos” or demands that you do something to be loved. You don’t have to earn it, it is just given.

Our level of self-confidence is based on the knowledge that we can do something worthwhile in life. Self-confidence is conditional acknowledgment for the performance. You are acknowledged for doing something well. This creates your belief that you can earn what you want and that you deserve it because you worked for it.

Ironically, whether it’s self-confidence or self-esteem that we lack, we tend to make up for the deficiency by using the skills we have in the opposite arena. People with high self-confidence and low self-esteem, you may be nice and charming, but you tend to get addicted to work and use that as a substitute for close relationships. On the other hand, if you have more self-esteem than self-confidence, you are thoughtful, considerate, and feel good, but you may lack drive. You get excited by having good relationships, even at work, and are less achievement-oriented; you may note want to concentrate on business. You get all your satisfaction from personal relationships.
It is critical to balance your self-confidence and self-esteem. Why? Because you are a whole person, and eventually you will pay a price if you’re out of balance.

Thank you, Pat. If you haven’t done so yet, be sure to check out Parts 1 and 2 of our interview. And don’t forget about the final part tomorrow.

Image: used with permission.