Peer pressure

You know what I wish? I wish things were a little easier. I wish there were more tax exemptions and credits for special therapies and childcare. Our childcare costs are lower than they used to be, thanks to respite through our Medicaid Waiver, but they’re still higher than those for families with typically developing kids. Alex is almost 11 and can’t be left alone. Ever.

I wish those caring for a family member with an atypical situation were entitled to more paid leave. In a country where people without kids bitch about parental leave and co-workers who take time off to care for sick kids, it’s not going to happen. But I can still dream, can’t I?

When it comes to jury duty, I wish exemptions were easier to get. Reader Bonnie Sayers (see first comment) wrote about her experiences with her local court system in California, which seemed needlessly harsh to me. I am indeed lucky to live in New York, where I’ve gotten about a decade’s worth of deferrals because I’m the sole caretaker of school-age kids.

We all owe it to our community to participate, but the fact is, we can’t all do it all the time. And the system isn’t going to collapse just because one segment of the population cannot sit on a jury for the 10- or 15-year period when their kids require a level of care that’s beyond what most parents of typically developing children provide. I expect to serve on a jury again one day – when Alex has more support and programming for a longer day.

Kathye Schattner, a Kentucky resident, started a website detailing her attempts to get her state legislature to enact more family-friendly jury policies. Check out examples of families who have been affected by harsh rulings – including families who have children with autism.

Brain,Child Magazine ran a piece a few years ago by a Colorado lawyer, Kathy Plonsky, who thoughtfully defended these policies in a piece entitled A Jury of Her Peers. I remember reading this piece and thinking it was well-reasoned, but since then I’ve come to feel it’s an overly literal interpretation of the law. I don’t see why the incident in Plonsky’s own life that infused her with a new empathy for the defendant couldn’t as easily have been recalled five, ten or even 20 years later, rather than a few days. The experience of parenthood is not fleeting – the memories of outstanding parent-child events are usually seared into your brain, not forgotten like a mildly entertaining movie.

Yes, we’re entitled to a jury of our peers, but doesn’t that just mean twelve ordinary commoners instead of one king presiding over your life? Jeff served on a jury, and if you’re looking for a precise peer of an Hispanic drug dealer, he’s probably not the best match.

Our situation is not that different from anyone caring for a family member who has unusual needs – Alzheimer’s, autism, a brand-new baby. They all require an extreme level of care. But some of us will be asked to provide this care for a much longer amount of time.