Question about autistic adults in relationships
November 16, 2006 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
Mama’s autistic baby left this comment on Heartbreaking (May 30th):
I’m looking for firsthand information about Autistic adults in relationships. Or people in love with or in relationships with autistic adults. I’m just curious about what life will be like for my child, and how I can help make things a little easier for him. He’s 13 years old and starting to notice girls.
I have no knowledge about this (and who has “real” knowledge about relationships, especially of a romantic nature, more generally?). On the subject of dating, a teenage ASD girl noted that she could not understand why other teenagers wanted to see Wedding Crashers when going out, rather than her choice, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Thanks in advance to all who respond.
I was in a long term relationship before I discovered that I was autistic (I’m still in that relationship). However, all three boyfriends I’ve had I’ve met on the internet, and we’ve had at least one common obsessional interest (Star Trek). It is very possible for those on the autistic spectrum to be in relationships, they just might not be the same sort of relationships that are expected.
you can give her my email. my husband and i are unofficial aspies. also i will find her some links… more in next comment.
This is the same thing I’d say to anyone, autistic or not, wondering about relationships.
I don’t think they should be forced, or that people are really healthy if they feel that they need to be “in a relationship” in order to be a complete person. Nor should anyone settle for any relationship that in any way puts them in a position to be degraded or used. There are many, many other things to do besides dating. If the right person comes along, explore the opportunity, but don’t worry so much about dating for dating’s sake or forcing anything.
Also, I’ve heard of autistic people occasionally getting into relationships with someone who wants to help “recover” them or something along those lines, but I’d definitely steer clear of anyone who sees you as a research and development project.
I’ve been with my significant other for nearly 7 years, and I think this relationship works well because (a) we’re somewhat similar neurologically — not exactly the same, but close enough for much easier communication than I have offline with most everyone, and (b) because neither of us was “looking” for anyone when we met.
Thanks for writing about a private matter here—-goes without saying that there’s a diversity of experience in relationships, and of persons relating to each other. Natalia, thanks in advance for the links.
A remarkable study was done a few years ago. Heta Pukki, whilst studying for her PgDipSpEd, wrote a paper on autistic sexuality. It was published in Good Autism Practice, and has been cited in a number of other works.
Pukki, H. (2003). Developing expressions of sexuality: the perspective and experiences of able autistic people. In Good Autism Practice, Vol 4 Issue 2 (p.60-65) Explores the issues of sexuality for people with autism who live independently.
Available from the NAS Information Centre
For more information contact: The Information Centre, The National Autistic Society, 393 City Road, London EC1V 1NG; tel: +44 (0)20 7903 3599; fax: +44 (0)20 7903 3767; email: info@nas.org.uk
Cited in:
http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=296&a=6001
Jerry and Mary Newport, who both have Aspergers, wrote a book called “Autism-Asperger’s & Sexuality: Puberty and Beyond,” that might be helpful to this family. It is available at http://www.FutureHorizons-autism.com
I heard that their book was terrible.
Newports’ book is the basis of the movie Mozart and the Whale. I have heard it was pretty good although there were some usual hollywood mistakes… haven’t read or watched either, me personally.
OK, links:
http://forums.delphiforums.com/asworks/start
http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aut-partners/
http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/ and http://www.wrongplanet.net/ … go in the forums and search “relationships”, “marriage”, “married”.
http://cap.autistics.org/ (seems to be in progress but meant to display different life stories to show that autistic adults can be good parents. this is a revolutionary idea to some people.)
B’s dear friend & mentor who has AS, CK, is a freshman in college & has been navigating this issue for some years now. He was popular enough in high school (a small, alternative school) to be voted “Prom King” at his senior prom, but has never had a girlfriend, just hang-out girl friends. He really does want a girlfriend, which is not surprising, & feels sad that the loud, idiot boys get all the attention. To make things worse, his roommate just got engaged & the “GF” is there all the time (he & his roommate have separate sleeping rooms, thank goodness!), plus another boy, on the other side of the wall, has been having noisy sex while CK’s trying to go to sleep at night for weeks now… His mom told me this morning that Ck came up with a unique solution to the boy next door, though. He put an anonymous note on the boy’s door asking him to respect a “quiet hour” between 10:00-12:00 pm so that people can get to sleep. The dorm is now abuzz with chatter about who might have written the note, & emphatic agreement with the sentiments. I think it was a brilliant way for CK to solve (or at least approach) the problem, plus let off some healthy steam.
Dorm life……. what was the response to the note? Thanks so much for the sites, Natalia, and for the article, David……I’ve yet to see Mozart and the Whale.
It feels like eaves dropping [it is really] but you can troll around Live Journal or Wrong Planet and pick up all sort of handy phraseology and tips. But don’t tell anyone I said so.
Best wishes
We won’t say you told us….
I’m a “neurotypical” girl (I guess that’s the correct term for myself based on what I’ve read.) and I think I’m falling for a man I met online who has Autism. We live close to the same city and we have mutual friends. Is it normal for me to be nervous about meeting him? I personally feel that it’s normal because I’m nervous about meeting any new person. I just can’t distinguish whether it’s because he’s new to me or if it’s because he has autism. I would like to think it’s just because he’s new to me but I’m not sure. Please don’t think I’m superficial. After all, I’m falling for him based on his awesome personality and not because of some shallow pursuit. I’m really confused right now but I am certainly dead set on meeting him because we have so much in common and we love talking to each other. Any information that you all could give me would be much appreciated!
Thank you.
My father is, in my opinion, a classic case of Asperger’s. And, my parents have been happily married for 33 years.
It gives me hope that my son will be able to find someone to share his life with in the future…
I have a wonderful relationship with an Aspie man and the sex is great too. He is kind, loving, caring…and works very hard to create an emotional connection–he has a lot of self awareness and goes to counciling to work on himself. He told me right away that he is autistic, so it did help me not apply NT dating “rules” to our courtship. for example, I would reach out an call him rather than wait for him to call me because I knew he may not feel comfortable reaching out. I think the key to making it work are: Openness and self awareness and a patient partner who doesn’t expect NT behavior…for example, he may take 3 days to clean up the kitchen, but at least he is trying to do his part the best he can.
My former boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s, I had suspected this before anyone else, actually. We are working on ourselves currently and still looking toward the future as an opportunity to get back together. He also has two children, his son was just diagnosed as well. We are both fairly young and circumstances are preventing us from being together right now. We have many shared interests that sparked our relationship and continue to give us common bonds. It has actually been a relief to me to find out that I was correct about him having Asperger’s. I wish he didn’t have to go through this, mostly because of the stigma/label, but now I am more equiped to relate to him and realize that his quirks are not a reflection of any deficiency in me, it’s just the way he is. He has found many ways to relay how he feels about me and assure me that he does love me in a romantic way. I think that’s key, let your child learn what is easiest for him. It’s not going to be easy at first, but he has the advantage of having known about his autism for most (?) of his life and having a mother that cares enough to reach out to others for advice and research ways to make things easier for him. I’ve found that with my boyfriend it is much easier for him to chat with me online than on the telephone or even in person. As some have mentioned above me, I would say the Internet is a great social outlet for people with autism. I am fairly new to this, but the best I can offer is my story. I didn’t view this diagnosis as a reason to give up on my relationship and it isn’t a reason for your son to not experience a fulfilling relationship with someone in his future.
thire is nothing for people with autism to find partners I have thought of a dating agency for people who want to date people with autism most people with autism are men
so we need a understanding dating agency that sets us up with woman that is interested
I’m a happily married mother to an incredible man who happens to be autistic. When we first started dating I noticed some things but I didn’t suspect. Looking back I now know my current mother in law was subtly trying to tell me about her son. By the time it was explained to me we were already in love. I didn’t look at him any diferently. Like any relationship, problems do arise (work, my returning to college, potty training our son), but we face them as a couple.
L I’m curious what web site do you use to find relationships with guys with autism? My son is 26 and would love to have a girl he could talk to or maybe go to the movies. He wants to be just like his younger brother and have a girl to communicate with. Thanks
Ive been dating a guy who i think is an aspie according to all the traits that go with it. We dated for 2and half years and i broke up with him recently coz of his inability to connect with me emotionally. Towards the end of teh relationship, he became angy and verbally abusive. I always knew he was a little peculiar but now it seems to all make sense. He didnt like being touched, preferred to stay on the computer, socially withdrawn, no eye contact,montone,lacked empathy, highly intelligent though. I was neer able to make sense of why he was the way he was. But communicating to him was very difficult and so was conflict resolution. I grew very tired and exhausted in the end. I thought we had really loved each other as he would meet my needs but i always thought that there was sthg deficient in him. i know that there is no perfect man out there, but i just couldnt commit to him coz i didnt feel emotionally safe.
I am married with a man 8 years,I get pregnant and I married.We have one child. I always felt that he was different from the other man.
I read the comment of cathy Nguyen and I feel that I have the same problem, and specially in our sexuality. He doesn’t like to touch me too much or been touch, he doesn’t have patience, he gets anxious. He is monotone, but emotional inmature..there is any kind of help????
I think I still love him, I wanted to change him and help him all the time since I know him. But my question is could be that he has a level of autism..in that case how I can help him…regarding sexuality…emotions ,connection , I suffer a lot because I don’t know what means to be connected to sameone that you love.
We are together but there is no union.
HOW I CAN MAKE THIS HAPPENS OR IS IMPOSIBLE???
He has problem to listen, to have emphaty, I was doing years of terapy, but with help is in same moments better , but then again we have a lot of problems, with comunication.
tHERE IS ANY WAY I CAN TEST HIM, THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW..
I REALLY NEED TO CLARIFY…IF THIS is a POSIBILITY..in my case. ..I would like a diagnosis. Please contact me to my email. Thank you so much!!
I’m 15 and my girlfriends autistic, but comparatively to severe examples you can barely tell.
She’s this amazing gorgeous person, intellectually brilliant and just plain fantastic.
However, she does do strange things (the consistency and re-arranging traits for example) and as if girls weren’t confusing enough, she’s blows Hot and Cold and seemed to enjoy screwing around with my emotions without any consideration with what she was doing.
She can also be coldly un-empathetic.
But, we’re working on it and we’re both learning things – who knows what’s next to come? Another day of insanity or just happy?
It’s pretty freaking scary… and here I am in year 9!
Dating someone with autism is pretty fricken hard. My boyfriend is very hard to relate to emotionally. He is the best person. He’s wonderful and i love him but he seems to never show an interest in what i have to say. I feel very ignored in our relationship a lot of the time. He never shows any kind of emotion even in the most fucked up and horrible situations.
My boyfriend is a genius with a Phd. And like everyone here, am finding him very hard to relate. Am getting tired of listening to his passion subject: Politics. He is a rather highly recognized and admired man in his country but his emotional life with me…. the things that should come easy, he just screws up. I don’t want to make him feel bad but I don’t know if it is I who will have to go through a change in my mentality or if there is any help for him, or for the two of us as a couple… Help!
Any experience from NON-Asperger people — those diagnosed with autism who took a long time to learn language — and their experiences with relationships as adults? My autistic son is smart, happy, interested in kids (age 8 now) but much impeded by his VERY slowly developing language skills (they are developing, though slowly). Would like to know if anyone was or was related to someone with a similar developmental hurdle, and whether he/she found himself able to connect romantically with another at a later date.
I am in a relationship with a man with Asperger’s, have been for more than 10 years. I am leaving because I can’t take it anymore. He is Spock. He doesn’t get anything and thinks he knows everything. I am so sick of being the only one to contribute in the relationship and I can no longer go without normal human exchanges with other people. He makes me sick. Literally. My health is suffering because the relationship is abnormal and I have no love in my life at all. It doesn’t bother him a bit. You shouldn’t worry about your son, you should worry about the girl and tell her to run, hard, long, and fast or she will regret if for the rest of her life and their potential child’s life. Recommend to him that he never have children because he will probably be unable to discipline a child properly, nor will he have any common sense about safety and basic human needs of such child. Maybe since you know about it early, interventions can help, but Autism is the most inflexible, inpenetrable, immovable obstacle to normal human relationships that I have ever seen or experienced. I am so so so tired. And I am so so so done. Never again will I put myself in a position like this. Relationships with autistic men are nearly impossible. You will be the parent and the lover. The breadwinner and the maid. The list is never ending. At that point it is time to ask, what in God’s name do you need them for. I certainly don’t recommend it unless you are in training for martyrdom. Good Freaking Luck!
Never again in life, because life is too too short to live it in such a miserable way.
Re: Mama’s autistic baby, previous post with added note:
Also be sure to teach your son how to cook and clean up after himself if you can. It is very important to know how, and very annoying to deal with a grown man who cannot do these things for himself!
Hey all,
My name is Montana Leet, I just turned 18, and I am currently crushing on a 15 year old autistic girl. Now, do immediately give me dirty looks, I am all for staying within the confines of the law (in fact I prefer to wait until marriage), am well established in the health business, being associated with Tuality Healthcare, am an established proponent against Kaiser Permanente, and even have Epilepsy myself. I am also a feminist guy, and I speak against sexism whenever possible. I will do nothing to harm any female.
Anyways, I have not talked to her, and I do not know her name… But she is the cutest damn thing ever. And I have seen her talking to other persons, and she seems extremely polite and respectful. Yes, like everyone else here, I have seen no emotion in her. But I would definitely like to give it a shot, and if not that, then be her friend. Most persons here in this thread have warned against dating someone who is autistic, but, for me I think, as long as I know the emotion is there, I do not need to see it. As long as I know that someone genuinely likes me, or furthermore loves me, I do not need them to showcase it. This girl, she appears to be very nice. Autistic or not, I have not had that same impression with anyone else, ever. So, in your honest opinions, should I go for it, or leave her be?
I’m 20 years old and I’ve been dating my boyfriend who is 22 and is autistic it’s not a severe case however it is noticeable. I didn’t clue in right away but after finding out from a friend of his it all makes sense. He is very loving, kind, caring, and great in bed haha. But he does speak in a monotone and there are occassions when he will walk on his toes which is one characteristic which appears in some who have autism. We don’t have many problems however the main one is communication I say one thing and he seems to interprete it completely different which men without autism tend to do as well. One of our major problems is the fact that I am so very social and he would rather it just be he and I most of the time..and he tends to get quite jealous. My boyfriend is also very sensitive and it takes some getting use to but as of right now I’m happy with him and we are dealing with our problems and have a pretty happy relationship. He recently asked me to marry him and I think I’m going to say yes, I don’t think there is a better guy out there.
I need some advice regarding a guy I met on the Internet. We really liked eachother and after we met, we entered an undefined sexual relationship. I felt there were emotions involved, so I accepted the sexual part, as he seems to communicate better that way than with words.
() I kept asking him what the problem was, he said that he was confused and asked me to wait until he makes up his mind about what he wants. He doesn’t seem to want me to let go completely, but doesn’t send any signals about wanting a relationship either. He keeps saying he is not a good person, or that he is lost, that no matter whether he cares or not – he doesn’t communicate. He is not a regular guy and I can’t analyze him by the common rules. He’s not simply the playing type, so I don’t know what he is. Please help. Thanks.
The problem is, he continues to chat with other girls on the Internet and never wants to speak to me over the phone, we just text or chat. I would like someone to tell me whether he could be autistic, because I don’t know what to think.
He seems to be a caring person, seems to have feelings for me when we meet, but isn’t able or willing to communicate. When we do talk – text, that is – the conversation is extremely interesting, intelligent and we also talk about emotions, but he is very secretive about his emotions, although very interested in hearing about mine. The last time we met was a month ago (yes, I know
Hi alex
read your message and obviously stumbled across this site because I am at the end of any wisdom. I am in a relationship with a man whom I believe suffers from autism but had no diagnosis. I love him very much but the relationship is becoming increasingly difficult if not impossible.
I am just wondering if you got any responses to your post and any help in coming to a diagnosis. Any other info would be much appreciated
My guy just broke up with me…we have had issues with sex and now he says he “lost interest.” Not sure if I should just be close friends as he wants, run, or try…any advice would be helpful!
My dear
I feel for you.
What you are saying is very typical of many people’s stories. I have been there for nearly 5 years and it’s terribly painful.
Are you certain he is not seeing the other girls on the internet behind your back? Are you certain he means what he says to you?