Rule Books, Cheerleaders, and Meeting Deep Needs

First of all, I really started reading over Marriage Actually today and I realized that I have been more negative that I want to be, should be, and I know better.  So…Please forgive me for that.  I see Marriage Actually as being a ministry and in my quest for finding a place to think I used this vehicle unwisely, as was lovingly pointed out to me by my Pastor this morning.  And he is right.  As he normally is.

Marc and I,( or maybe it’s just me?) are struggling in ways I never dreamed that we would.  I place a lot of blame on myself because I am increasingly unwilling to play Marc’s way.

Anyway, Pastor gave us three things that we are to do.  I thought that many of you are dealing with issues that are similar to ours (some more intense, some less) that I would share the journey, but hopefully in a more positive way than I have.

No moe whining from me, pinkie swear.

The three things were:

1. Talk about the rule book you grew up with (more about that later)

2. Be each other’s cheerleader

3. Pray and ask God how to meet each other’s needs

I find the rule book interesting.  Marc has always told me he doesn’t have a rule book but I think he does.  I figured out a long time ago that meals and a tidy house are major issues for him.  Sometimes I don’t think he realizes it.   In fact, I think a lot of his stress in this situation has been my inability to continue to do those things the way that I always have.

I know that I have had a rule book in the past but I have had to tear so many pages out of it I think that part of the problem is that I am down to the stuff that I refuse to compromise.

Anyway, rule books get written in families when you are a child.  What rules did you grow up with?  My family had TONS of rules.  Seriously TONS of them.  Dad was a corporate executive and you made sure that you were always perfect.  There were stupid rules, silly rules, and important rules but there were rules.

1. Never pass gas in the same room someone else was in, always leave the room and be totally out of ear and nose shot.  This included family members.

2. Discussion at the dinner table was intellectual and intimate.  We talked abotu books we were reading, current events, things that were important to us, the way that we felt about things that had happened during the day.  You did not have to eat but you had to sit at the table and talk and share.  This was one of the best rules we had.  AND you had to sit down at the table when it was readt (at precisely six o clock) and sit there until everyone was done and you were excused.  No t.v., no anwering the phone, no answering the door.

3.You looked Dad in the eyes when you talked to him.

4. I was only spanked twice that I can remember by my dad…rather unusual in the 1960s.  My mom more than made up for it.  But dad would, when I had done something wrong, sit me down and talk it out.  Sometimes we would go get burgers, or shakes.  The conversation would be about what I had done, what had motivated me to do it, and why I thought it was wrong.  He gave me more than one guided tour through my head.

5. Pay your bills,  Stay out of debt, save up and pay cash, give 10 percent or more to charity, put 10 percent in savings and spend the rest as you wish, but not when you have debt.  Never go by a hungry person without giving them something to eat if you can help it, and never walk by the Salvation Army Kettle without putting something in it.

6.For fun our family went camping, hiking, and to the beach.  When we had a weekend at home we worked on the house:painting, fixing, planting, creating an addition…Dad always wanted a couple of hours to lay in the sun and recharge.  The man was a mahogany color an he was caucasian.

7. Live like you were dying tomorrow.  Do not let an opportunity pass you by to experience something new.

8. Stay active.

I loved my dad.  I still miss him, eight years later.  He was my biggest fan, my greatest champion, and the person who always knew exactly what to say to me.  At least until I turned 15 and our family fell apart.  But I had a great first 15 years.

And therin lies some of the problem.  Marc is not my dad.  Nor should he have to be.

It may seem silly but in Marc’s family his dad headed for the bathroom when everyone was called to the table.  In my family doing that would mean that you missed dinner.  Do you know, one of the biggest irritations in our marriage is that noone comes to the table when I call?  People head to the bathroom, or stay on the computer, or watch the last 5 minutes of a television show.  I have given up!

What is written in your rulebook?  Have you looked at the pages lately?  Are you holding your spouse to activities and actions that they know nothing about?

Is there something that is important to your spouse that you haven’t been doing?

Our Pastor is a pretty smart guy.  Take some time tonight or tomorrow and sit down and compare rule books.  See what you find out. And be willing to take notes.

No matter where you are or what you are going through you have to be willing for God to step in and change your direction.  I had my direction changed in a major way this morning.

Your turn.

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