Sandwich Generation dilemmas

There’s an interesting discussion going on at the New York Times’ New Old Age blog.

In the article, How to Make a Better Sandwich, author Jane Gross asks Jeannie Keenan, a registered nurse and case management expert how people can cope with having to make decisions between their kids and aging parents every day:

Ms. Keenan said that the biggest mistake adult children make in this situation is trying to segregate their dual responsibilities.

Their well-meaning goal is “they don’t want their children’s lives affected by what’s going on with their elderly parent,’’ she said. The result is a constant series of no-win choices like: “Do I go to my kid’s ballgame, or do I go and make sure Dad eats his dinner?” That is a formula for feeling you are failing everyone, Ms. Keenan said, and is also avoidable, by accepting that this is a family experience that must be shared, sometimes with the help of others in the community.

But, readers are responding that the notion of the “community” pitching in to help is outdated or even fictional. There’s just not people available to help out, they have their own kids and aging parents.

Additionally, the comments suggest that it’s time that older people adjust their expectations in regard to living at home vs. assisted living. Times have changed and people aren’t home and available like they used to be in days gone by.

When my mother was ill, she had friends who would come stay with her while my dad went to the store or to get something to eat. But, there wasn’t anyone who I could have asked to do the hard care, or to stay with her in the hospital after I had been there for nine nights in a row on several occasions.

I was/am lucky, however in that my parents have always said that assisted living is fine with them when the time comes.

They also assured me that even if they weren’t in their “right” minds and protested it, that I needed to know it was fine with them that I do whatever I need to about their living situations.

I hope to give my own children that same assurance.