Save a Marriage – Stop Sharing
May 14, 2008 by Tracee Sioux
Filed under Parenting
Sister, let me give you some marital advice: Sharing is overrated. It’s a source of conflict, disaster really.
There is no reason on planet earth you need to share – unless you want to fight.
We stopped sharing sheets a long time ago. No needs to share each other’s night sweats. No need to wake up irritated when the sheets end up on the floor. People don’t have the same body temperatures. They just don’t. No reason to fight and ruin a marriage over body temperature.
Computers. It’s worth $500 to save a marriage. Buy another computer. I don’t care if it’s social or work, there will be conflict over who is “more important” if you try to share a computer.
Workspace. No. Someone always thinks they’re “more entitled” to spend time there, to move other people’s notes or materials.
Television. We never fight about who gets to watch what anymore. We stopped sharing a TV. There’s no magic on earth that will make a husband and wife want to watch the same stuff on TV.
For heaven’s sake no one should share a car. It will leave one person trapped. Marriages don’t survive traps.
I’m angling for my own bedroom. We’re both entitled to a good night’s sleep and there’s a problem with the snoring. He can’t help it and I can’t sleep through it and our couch sucks. Next house, “guest bedroom” is going to be a priority.
That’s not what they tell me in all those marriage seminars at church.
They are lying. That’s what we do to people. We lie to them and tell them that marriage is about togetherness. Really, there’s only so much togetherness any couple can handle. It’s false advertising. That’s the cause of the one-in-two divorce rate. That’s my explanation for the 7 year itch. After 7 years you realize you bought something, without knowing what was in the package. The ones who stay married find a way to cope with what’s really in the package – like abandoning the idea of sharing – the ones who don’t, get divorced.
I’m telling you right now to avoid the whole trap. If you want marital peace – don’t share.
Image Source: So Sioux Me, My husband and I sharing time at a Vow Mariage Retreat this spring.
Ashley,
Please don’t feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. I’m very happy for you that things went so well last night. Your husband came through for you at a time when you needed that ray of hope. That’s awesome!! Whatever or whoever factored in to make things come together, the fact is you sound happy and grateful for it and that’s what matters. So don’t spend precious energy feeling guilty.
Just enjoy the nice night you had last night. You can call it God, Husband, friends’ prayers, synchronicity… Whatever you call it, it sounds like you had a great night. So enjoy the moment.
As far as raising your boys to be something other than the whole “macho cowboy” persona, that’s great that you are giving thought to that stuff!
When my husband’s parents divorced, my husband taught himself to cook QUICK! He and his brother lived with his dad after the divorce; he was 15 at the time. His dad did not know how to cook at all (or passive-aggressively did reverse psychology & pretended to be the world’s worst cook on purpose, which I would not put past him). So, my husband learned how to cook because the couple of meals his dad made were apparently the worst meals of my husband’s life. (He says he learned to cook for “survival”).
When I met my husband, he was a great cook and I was the opposite. I’m obviously not suggesting that cooking is for women and not men! Back then, however, women in America really did do most of the cooking. So I was amazed when I met my husband at what he could whip up in the kitchen!
This is just an example of how men and women get pegged into certain roles but roles have been evolving for awhile now and it is important for today’s children to be flexible, to learn things associated with supposed “male traits” AND supposed “female traits” as far as activities and skills they’ll be able to carry with them throughout their lives.
My husband has been having horrible problems sleeping and he’s tired ALL the time! After about a month of me telling him to call for a sleep study, he finally did . . . but only after he saw googled sleep apnea. He found out that there are some health risks. He went to the doctor for his first consultation. He has to go back in another week or so. I’ll be SO GLAD when he gets this sleep study. It has been a rough few months!!!!
Let me know how it goes Karen. My hub says he’s going to ask the Dr. about it. (Whether a sleep study happens will pretty much depend on whether our health insurance covers it I imagine.)
My aunt had a sleep study done last year. She said she was tired all the time and that she couldn’t wait for her husband to leave every day so that she could sleep without him knowing. She now has a breathing machine and she has a lot more energy. She’s active again and exercising. I’ve heard my husband gasp for air a few times this week. I’m anxious for him to get the study done. I’m praying for some good sleep for both of us!
While I obviously can’t say what your insurance will/won’t cover, I can tell you what I know in case it helps. It is my understanding that most insurance does provide some coverage for the sleep study itself. (Again, all HMOs run their own show. So if in doubt, call your HMO to inquire what your coverage is). Where most HMOs are not as nice about coverage is the CPAP machine itself. They may pay for a portion of it but it’s considered a durable medical device (akin to a nebulizer for an asthma patient or maybe machines diabetics use to monitor blood sugar). I have no clue why these devices aren’t covered as well as, say, an Rx prescription would be. In any event, the pries vary widely for CPAP machines and there are numerous models to choose from. In my case, I’m allergic to latex and I needed PVC-free equipment as well. The provider I worked with was fantastic and hunted down options that fit these parameters. As I am highly sensitive/allergic to many things, I still ended up having an allergic reaction to the headgear material. (Don’t worry. I’m weird. This wouldn’t happen to most people). Anyway, I tried a couple of headgears and found that by covering my headgear up (putting a barrier between my head and the headgear), I was able to stop getting sores all over the back of my head. Anyway, I’m not sure if it’s handled the same way nationwide but here was my experience with getting diagnosed with sleep apnea and hooked up with proper treatment for it:
1) My Dr. referred me to a sleep disorder clinic for an overnight study. I was given instructions on what to bring/do. I went for the study and the room was like a small hotel room (just me in the room). It had a TV and a bathroom right off of my room. They hooked me up with a bunch of wires that they basically looped right up through my pajama legs. No big deal. While I slept all night, they had a camera on me and watched me sleep (”is she snoring?” “is she gasping for air like she stopped breathing?”). Also, they obviously monitored me with all of the wires they had attached to me to basically see what my body was doing during sleep.
2) Eventually, I got word from my doctor’s office that the sleep disorder clinic results did show I have sleep apnea. (I remember thinking the diagnosis took longer than I had hoped but don’t remember the timeline).
3) I then went for a 2nd sleep study. This time, I wore a CPAP mask during the overnight study so that they could determine what the proper airflow would be for me. (Everyone is different so they customize this).
4) After the sleep studies, I was told that not only did I stop breathing X number of times throughout the night but that I was not getting any REM sleep/restorative sleep AT ALL! No wonder I was having the symptoms I was having.
5) I was given a choice of a few providers from which to obtain a CPAP machine. Not all providers are created equal. I called around to get “rough idea” price checks between providers and talked to people I knew who had CPAP to see if they liked their provider. I picked one that has excellent customer service.
6) Even if you find a provider w/excellent customer service, as I did… be forewarned. You don’t just walk in and buy a machine. Typically you lease it and most insurance pays a portion (say 50%) and then you pay the remaining portion (say 50%) each month. I believe my monthly payment was about $43.00. This contract usually lasts 10 months (at least in my part of the country). When 10 months is up, you might (depends on provider) be able to “call it even” and own it. The provider will try to have you upgrade when the contract ends because they won’t fix it if it breaks after that point. (I took my chances and became a proud owner of a well-running CPAP machine at 10 months. I couldn’t afford to upgrade and it’s still working fine).
So, that’s a sketch of the process of sleep apnea diagnosis, getting results of the overnight tests (may have to chase your doc office with phone calls for this), and finding an ethical CPAP provider who won’t rip you off.
CPAP machine are usually sold by oxygen supply healthcare companies, home healthcare companies, etc. Your doc should give you at least a couple of choices of providers that their patients have had good luck with in your area. Then you can whittle the list down from there.
I don’t mean to make the process sound so exhausting but I’ll be honest that it was draining in my case. The benefits of CPAP for sleep apnea patients are well worth it, though.
Patients are given a choice between CPAP headgear that attaches to some sort of mouthpiece or that attaches to a cannula which goes into the nostrils. Since I have TMJ, the mouthpiece did not seem to be a good option for me. Unfortunately, there are times I can’t use my CPAP machine, though, because my allergies and sinus problems sometimes create (sorry to sound gross) runny nose problems that make using the cannula quite impossible.
I mention this only to make you aware that there are various options out there for CPAP equipment and these are examples of things to factor in when selecting CPAP machine/headgear.
Hope this helps anyone who hasn’t yet “learned the ropes” of sleep apnea/CPAP. I was lucky to have a couple of support group members who had been through the process and gave me “coaching”. Best of luck!