Saying No for No Apparent Reason
Happy Saturday everybody! Here is a question for all you parents out there to think about this weekend. Is telling your child “No” wrong if you have no other reason to say it other than just wanting to say it? Here is a better way to look at it. Your child asks you if they can watch a movie and you say “No” only because you just feel like not letting them. Is saying No for no reason acceptable?
Is that good parenting? Do you need more of a reason to say No other than the fact you simply just feel like saying No?
How can this backfire? Does it matter how old your child is or should you always have a good reason for your decisions? Is there really the ability to say no for no other reason than to say no? Maybe one of the following things are happening:
- Are you saying no because you are angry at something and feel like taking it out on your child?
- Are you saying no because you are lazy and don’t want to put the time in?
- Are you saying no because you simply have said yes too many times and you fear the child may be taking advantage of you?
I have always wondered what other parents thought about this. I have my theories but want to hear yours first.
Had a moment of of Zen one day and realized that I was doing that. So I decided that if I really had no real reason to tell them “No” they could do what they wanted. The house has been quiet ever since (yea right)! But seriosly I found myself telling the kids no at times just because they irritated me earlier.
Guilty as charged. Laziness is my reason, I think. I have realized that I do it mostly out of habit. Half the time I’m not sure I’ve even listened to what they’re asking. Bad, bad mom. But I’m trying to be more deliberate about my answers to their 10 million and 2 questions! I’ve come to realize that if they start figuring out that I’m not listening, then they’ll stop asking me stuff and look other places for answers. For as long as I can be, I want to be the “go-to” gal.
Seems like, at the very least, you should have a reason.
See, there always is some sort of reason, and communicating that to your child is more important than your answer. Maybe you don’t want them watching a movie because you have a headache and really just want to lie down in the quiet. Maybe it’s because you know they’d have nightmares if they watched it.
But just saying “no” is the wrong approach, because it teaches your kids that one can be arbitrary. We here all know that kids are smarter than many people give them credit for, so go ahead and negotiate with them. “Sweetie, we can record that movie on the VCR and watch it together, but right now…” “…I’m not feeling well, so if you can read for half an hour while I lie down, then I’ll let you watch it” or “…We can watch it together tomorrow afternoon.”
Kids are smart enough to understand most reasons that you tell them, especially if you make a habit of it.
Thanks guys for commenting. I know that I have said “no” before but not really justifiably. I think there is usually a reason for saying no, but like Liam said, I think taking it that one step forward, and giving your kids the time and respect to let them know why.