Screw this, I want a steak
OK, enough of this vegetarian crap. After 18 years of asceticism, I’m ready to start eating flesh again. I just can’t resist it any more. It’s just so… appealing. How can I say no to dead cow? I’m only human, you know. So tonight I’m going out to find an animal, hack it up, and eat it.
Yes, this decision may sound rash, but I’ve actually put a lot of thought into it. Here are some of my primary reasons:
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I’m starting to worry about the dangerously fast rate of decline of greenhouse gasses and what that might do to the environment.
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My arteries are much too clean.
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Think of all the animals that will never be born because I’m not eating them! How selfish of me.
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I want to do my part to support those hard-working factory farmers.
Anyone want to join me? What other reasons am I forgetting?
[...]
1. You don’t want to miss out on Mad Cow..now or during your retirement years.
2. It is wrong to slice celery-How would you feel if someone sliced you? You violent individual…
3. The only way to get that “blood, rare done” look on a veggie burger is to put red food coloring on it-and artificial dyes are bad-you need the real thing.
4. Bigger is better-aim for a size 44, no less-a steady diet of McDonalds for breakfast, lunch, and dinner will help you reach your goal.
5. Study shows vegetarians have higher IQs–you don’t want people thinking you’re too smart.
6. You get to share your cat’s food when groceries are running low.
7. You can enjoy road kill like any other person can.
8. It is much easier to develop diabetes, heart disease, abdominal obsesity, by not following a vegetarian diet-again, something you don’t want to miss out on during the retirement years, along with Mad Cow.
It’s about time you woke up and recognized the wonders of a carniverous lifestyle.
April Fools to you too.
April Fool!!!
OK, April Fools…I get it! :O)
It sounded tongue-in-cheek from the get go, but there was no ‘gotcha’ anywhere, so it seemed deadpan and possibly, ever so slightly possibly, true.
We don’t tolerate defection in this vegan cyberforce. ;O)
WHAT? You were not serious!
I thought you had finally realized the folly of your vegetarian ways and decided to embrace food as nature intended it to be.
Oh well!
Well, you are what you eat …
And cows are vegetarians, so eating meat would make you a vegetarian once-removed, i.e. still pretty much a vegetarian … wouldn’t it?