Separation anxiety when parents work
Leaving children with a caregiver is a reality for many working parents, and sometimes children go through phases that make it hard to do.
Mrs. Flinger’s daughter is going through such a phase right (even though her childcare situation is fine) now:
WHAT DO I DO? She begs, cries, screams for me to not work. She offered to share her room with her brother forever if I promise to stay home. Those are powerful statements. She’s sad. She misses me. I’m doing what I can to balance it out: I work three days a week now.
We’ve been lucky in that area with all 3 kids who have always been reasonably adaptable, but there were and still are days that make it hard to leave and sometimes they even make it hard to work, but it gets better as they get older.
How do you handle it when your child doesn’t want you to go to work?
Three days is certainly not a full, “I never see you mommy” week. Both of mine went through a phase of screaming when I left them. The best advice I ever followed was the quick clean drop off. You say goodbye (no sneaking out – it makes them feel betrayed and makes them feel they have to keep an eye out at all times), then you had them to the caregiver and walk away.. Don’t meet their pained expression with a pained expression – don’t try and make them feel better, don’t pick them up for one last hug.. Apparently that makes them feel worse. When that behavior works and they get what they want (one last hug – mommy lingering) they feel empowered, and when it doens’t work in the long run they feel like they’ve done something wrong.
I know I sound harsh – but it really is cruel to lead them on. If you make it a clean break, they’ll catch on pretty quickly that this is going to happen and nothing they or don’t do is going to change it..and they accept it and adapt..
Wow. My daugther is three and a half, and I guess we really haven’t had much of that. There are days she tells us she doesn’t want to go to school (”I just want to stay home with you and snuggle, mommy” — which she knows will get me). But, my husband and I tell her this is a work/school day, and we all need to go. I do tell her that I would rather stay home and snuggle with her, too, but I need to make money. We’ve talked about what that means as the opportunity arises — we work because we need money for her toys, a house, etc.
She has been in “school” since she was six months old (it’s a large, school-like daycare), so she’s comfortable there and knows what to expect. She also knows what to expect on
“home days” as well.
She is particular about things, as Mrs. Flinger describes. Obsessive/compulsive at times, though I know that’s normal for her age. But, we’ve just never given in to complaints about not want to go to school (unless she sick, of course). So, it hasn’t been an issue.
Thanks for posting this, Elizabeth. It’s so nice to hear people’s honest opinions. I tried the clean break thing for a long time. Just recently I’ve switched caregivers and I tend to linger now, I’m sure. I’m feeling more and more confident with my caregiver, though, which will make the leaving a little easier. Tonight we watched a movie together and snuggled instead of doing chores. I’m trying to balance out everything, including time to sit and snuggle. I should probably put that on my todo list.