Should You Accept His Apology?

Here is a common pattern that occurs when problems arise in relationships:  get hurt, argue, resolve, apologize, move on.  If you are in a relationship where you seem to argue quite frequently, you are probably more familiar with this pattern than others.  If you are in a serious relationship you don’t want to break up everytime you have an argument, so you just let it all out, apologize, then make-up and move on.  But maybe there is something more that you can be doing to cut down on the frequency of these occurrences in your relationship…maybe an apology is not the right end to the situation, but maybe it is just the easiest.

“Actions speak louder than words.”  We’ve all heard it, but do we all really live it?  If someone has hurt you it always feels so much better when they apologize.  Apologies make you believe that the offender understands their mistake and feels badly for hurting you.  But apologies don’t always solve problems from re-occurring.

In relationships I think the saying should be “Actions speak louder than apologies.”  Some people are really into saying “I’m sorry.”  Flowers, gifts, and home-cooked meals might make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but are they really addressing the issue that hurt you in the first place?  Maybe his apology is just covering the situation with a Band-Aid.

True apologies are really tough.  They involve admitting that you have truly made a mistake and if you could travel back in time, you would have made a different decision.  You made a wrong decision.  You are sorry.  For most people getting in touch with themselves and admitting that they have made a mistake, especially when it involves hurting someone they care about, is very difficult.  If you find that your significant other is quick to apologize and make a grand gesture to prove the apology, then you really need to think about the validity of these apologies.

“Actions speak louder than apologies” means that what he says to quickly wrap-up the argument is not important.  The way that he changes his actions based on the problem that occurred is extremely important. Go back to the root of the situation and figure out what hurt you and what lit the fire.  Look at the bigger picture of your relationship to find the base of the problem.  That is where the solution lies…not in fancy dinners, gifts, and a dozen roses.  Don’t look for an apology.  Look for a change that shows that he understands what happened and why you were hurt.  If this doesn’t happen, then your fight will keep re-occurring and you will get caught in an endless pattern of arguing.

I can’t tell you whether or not his apology is sincere, but I can tell you that the way someone acts in a relationship is much more important than what he says about how he wants to act.

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