Skillful Flirting

If I’m going to re-enter the dating game, I need to refresh my flirting skills. How are you at flirting? Are you a natural? Is it something you have to work at? Or do you skip it altogether?

My sister, Robin, she is a natural flirt. I don’t think that she’s even aware that she is doing it, but she has skills. She is warm and charming and people are drawn to that. She does get stressed about meeting new people, but she doesn’t go into a situation expecting to crash and burn. She’s relaxed, she smiles, she has something of interest to add to a conversation. Something else she does, she teases a little. She does it in a flattering way - not mean or sarcastic.

I have a feeling if she reads this, she will be embarrassed, but honestly, she has such a natural ease with people and I wish I could be more like that. So, when I next have the opportunity to flirt, I’m going to be more like Robin.

Flirting Basics

* Flirting is supposed to be fun, not serious. Many times you are flirting with someone you will never talk to or see again. It is no big deal. Flirt with no intentions - flirting is not always going to lead to a dating. Especially in Robin’s case, as she is already married. That may be why she is so relaxed - no expectations, just chatting.

* Relax. If you feel tense, shake it off. Resist closed off body language like crossed arms, turn toward the room, not away from it. Smile or at the very least, relax your jaw and lose the frown.

*Look for someone who also has welcoming body language. If this person is a distance away, figure out a way to get yourself closer. Walk by or go order a drink, whatever. Then, you make eye contact, smile, and say, “Hi,” as you go by. If the guy is interested, he will respond to this. Men are not fans of rejection either. They are more likely to flirt if they believe their actions will be reciprocated.

*Make casual eye contact. Don’t stare - they might begin to worry that there is something wrong - either with you or with them. (What?? Is there something on my shirt? Is she a psycho?). If you feel that you’ve blown the eye contact, forget it, move on the next one. Think of it as practice at first. Try not to over-think the flirting. Over-thinking can lead to bolting. Do not bolt.

*Make small talk. Ask simple questions, they are an invitation to talk. For example, “I’ve never heard this band before, have you?” “What do you think of this storm?” “Do you know Sue?” (Or whoever you are there with). If someone is interested in flirting, it won’t matter what you ask, they will jump on the invitation to talk and it will flow from there. If they don’t take your cue, then don’t sweat it. Move on. This is supposed to be fun, not serious. (Repeat that to yourself as many times as is necessary until you believe it).

*Make eye contact and listen when they are speaking. I mean listen-listen, really pay attention, don’t just use the time to come up with the next thing you are going to say. You want to appear both interesting and interested. Share your story gradually and refrain from negativity unless you are making a joke. Try a compliment. A little sarcasm is good, but not too much. You want to appear witty, not witchy.

*If you’ve been talking for awhile and are feeling comfortable enough to chance it, try touching the guy. Touch his arm, as you laugh or put your hand out as you pass. It sounds silly and simple, but it works.

*If this is going to go somewhere, at some point someone is going to have to offer a phone number. If not, then don’t sweat it, because it’s fun and it’s practice, right?