Some Kind of Wondering…

Our lights are lit, my garland hung, a few presents under the tree. But none of the holiday seems real. Not without Gus home this year. It all seems so fake, so humdrum.

For almost a year I have numbed myself to the Gus status…I have not allowed myself to believe in him, almost as if he were arriving via sleigh and reindeer instead of in my lap on Northwest Airlines.

And every time paperwork stalls his arrival I push the memories of him deeper into my aching chest and hope that someday Baby Gus will be near.

I dream of pineapple and mangoes (a delicacy at this time of year) as I lay out AJ’s clothing for an entire week of school cheer. I wonder what his laugh sounds like and is he as ticklish as AJ? Is that dimple really there when he smiles so bright?

Does he like to sing songs like his brother and will he love his doggie just as much? Will he enjoy the snow and the glittering lights or be scared to touch the cold wet like AJ was?

You know…just wondering…