Sometimes There’s A Jackass…

This evening, I wasn’t feeling very good about my relationship. Everybody has fears, everyone has their “thing” and my thing is worrying that I’m unnecessary. I want to matter to S. I want to be on his mind, in his plans, a part of his every day. I don’t feel that I am any of those things right now.

I’ve tried to be more relaxed about our relationship lately. We’ve been a couple for a year now and although I love him very much, it’s been a challenging year. We live 6 hours apart and that may not sound far, but between us we have the responsibilities of 6 children and 4 jobs. It’s not easy to get together time.

He’s spoken about long term plans in a loose sort of way – he sees us together. I can see that happening, but I’m also somewhat focused on the day to day. A long distance relationship requires maintenance like any other relationship, maybe even more.

He went through a sort of crisis this past Winter which lead to a move and job changes. It took some time and he struggled. When he struggled, he would be out of touch. When we would speak again, he would be surprised that I was upset. Didn’t I know that he loved me? Didn’t I understand that sometimes he just needed to be left alone? I resented that everything was on his terms. Didn’t he understand that I had emotional needs, as well?

At one point I found that I felt morally superior to him – I’d never treat the people that I loved in the way that he treated me. It bothered me that I felt that way. I didn’t think that things would work out between us, I thought it’d be easier to find someone who lived close, but I made the decision to wait the rough patch out.

Currently, we are on the other side of that patch. Still, nothing is perfect and today he hurt my feelings. I felt angry. I let it go. I emailed my friend and vented a bit. I told myself that this problem was not here to stay, it was a temporary thing that would pass. I reminded myself that this did not have to be solved today, that I love him and my kids love him and yeah, sometimes he’s complicated, but he’s not only complicated.

Dating, relationships, they are tough. There’s no perfect person anywhere. Sometimes I have to remind myself to relax, to remember that men and women are different. In the past I’ve given up on things when they got too challenging. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve watched my sister and her husband, I’ve seen that sometimes I’m going to think my guy is a jackass, because sometimes he is a jackass. If I can’t handle that, then we aren’t meant for the long term.

So, again, I’ll wait it out. I hope that he will do the same when I am inevitably playing the role of jackass.