Stalking the Elusive O Part 3
November 17, 2008 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
I think there will be only one more post (after this) in this series, at least for now. I hope that it has given you something to think about and been helpful in some way.
One of the major differences I have noticed in women that orgasm easily and those who don’t is that those who do think about sex more than those who don’t. This could have something to do with hormone levels or it could just be habit…But I believe that it is a habit that can be established.
I tend to think of something sexual several times an hour..Marc tends not to think of sexual things at all. At least that is my perception. He told me and our counselor that he does not have fantasies and I assume that is still the case. What I have found is that thinking of sex keeps me simmering…and I see no reason to change that.
I am very visual..there are certain things Marc can wear that will send me into a fantasy. But even when he is not here I am likely to fall into a fantasy about him, a memory of a particularly good time with him, or something. Generally, this mental moment will bring on a low simmer to the libido. If I continue the thoughts very long the low simmer turns to a boil.
Since this happens several times during the day it is very rare that Marc could approach me and I would say no. While women may truly be crockpots and men may truly be microwaves, in my case I have learned that keeping the crockpot on simmer makes things a whole lot easier. I see myself primarily as Marc’s playmate..not as his wife.
I have suggested to other women who have difficulty in this area that thye change thier view of themselves. I know how hard this can be. Because of verbal abuse in my past I see myself as a failure and not very good at much of anything, it takes a lot of self talk to get me past that sometimes. So, don’t say “I can’t” because if I can anyone can!
My suggestion is that you attempt to create a fantasy or remember a special moment at least once a day…when those thoughts (about you husband) come to your mind don’t push them away so you can concentrate on the grocery list…stop for a moment and entertain the thoughts…allow yourself to be sensual. If you are Christian ask the Lord to give you intense desire for your spouse..and if you have had difficulty in reaching orgasm pray about that to, after all God created you, He created sex, He said it was good. He isn’t the one holding you back.
By changing our thought patterns we change our lives. (The Bible tells us many times to dwell on the positive things). Try something you haven’t tried before, instead of asking “why?” ask “why not?”
Seeking your own orgasm and intense pleasure (under normal circumstances) will not make you selfish..on the contrary it will make you a generous lover. Look at it this way, people who really really enjoy cooking are exceptionally good at cooking…people who really really enjoy skiing are exceptionally good at it…people who really really enjoy sex generally are willing to try different things, experiment and seek to make it the best it can be for both partners. Caveat….if you are a guy who prefers the wham-bam method you need to do just the opposite. You need to learn to seek your partners ecstasy first. Then yours.
If one spouse is not enthusiastic about sex, even if they are “giving it up” regularly, it is not going to be everything it can for either of them. Having sex with someone who is only mildly interested is not much different from masturbation. It leaves you feeling rather empty. Nearly everyone wants to be intensely desired.
As you think and pray about some of the suggestions here, and as you implement them into your life, try to change the way that you think about your spouse and about sex. If what you are doing isn’t working…then change it. There is no excuse for boring, predictable sex except selfishness and laziness, whether you are male or female.
Often, when it comes right down to it, lack of orgasm is a control issue. There may be resentments, or distrust or something that makes you, deep inside, want to remain in control. Face it, in order to have an orgasm you must relinquish control of your body.
Keep communicating, keep experimenting, keep trying.
image:morguefile
Man ( or woman, should say ) you’re right in tune. With me, I’ve noticed something the last couple of years. I’m finding I need the spouse to have much more interest in sex in order to pique my own.
Not just the usual romance, you know, stirrings of interest, candle lit dinner and once in a great while, putting on something other than running shorts or sweats for bed which is the usual indicator; but find I’m wanting her to come alive in some way, in some area I think is missing.
Not just for me, mind you, but for herself…to start to feel sexy herself…mowing the lawn ( one of my neighbors told my wife that she felt sexy when mowing the lawn! ) at dinner.
I canna think but for only maybe one time where she wasn’t willing, but the intensity doesn’t seem to be there the way that I want.
Its like there is this part, like a limb or something, that although functions, isn’t developed the way it could be.
‘Suppose I might be looking for a bit of Marye ( DONT take that the wrong way, okay? ) in her, you know a ‘wolf-hunger’ or something.
Its almost like mine is withering ( on the quasi-pshycological level, not the purely physical ) in some degree because I am not seeing this.
Not even certain if thats it, or not. As close as I can get at ( or wanna get ) to self -psychoanalysis.
bis dann!
Is that typical, atypical, or what??
I htink it is typical, David, but the the next question (to ask yourself, and maybe her) is this. Is there anything that you can be doing to make her feel sexy? Are you treating her with respect in your every day conversation? DO you have a tendency to eye other women? Maybe I do have a part 5….
Women need to feel sexy…and if they don;t know how to manufacture that in themselves then they can struggle with it if their spouses don;t know how to make them feel that way. I think often they way a woman sees herself is a reflection of how she feels her spouse sees her.
Right. As Yes, I can and do know how and when to complement her, show genuine love ( not in effort for anything to be returned – the no strings attached variety) pointing out the differences in her that separate her from the mere ordinary.
There’s ALWAYS room for improvement in one or more areas, to be sure, but I don’t think it to be THE problem – if there is a THE to it.
I don’t ‘eye’ anything. I may notice there is an attractive lady around, but I don’t give her the ‘eye’ or anything more than a glance, if that.
Spouse KNOWS that, also.
I asked her numerous times, and she didn’t retreat from the subject. She KNOWS this herself. She said it was, and I’ll paraphrase here, ‘cultural’ – to an extent this is true, she was born during the ‘Cultural Revolution’ – and many, if not most of her parents generation have a paranoia about being noticed – even in good ways, thought to be attractive, outstanding, hard to explain – goes against the grain of thinking here.
Anyway, that doesn’t explain it all. She does have extreme difficulty in letting herself go, giving up control, in just about every area and she’d make a perfect auditor or efficiency expert.
Not looking to change her, mind you; just wanting her to tap into her ‘animal side’ a wee more. Looking for a spice to bring the natural flavours out, so to speak. Not alter them.
adios,
I understand. I don;t know…I think that it is up to the person to want to change enough to actually do it.
You do what you can do and then I guess you wait (and hope?) that your spouse can make the changes..not for you but for themselves…and figure out what you are going ot do if nothing ever changes. Can you live this way the rest of your life?
Marc loves to ski..he is passionate about it…I could care less about skiing, I think it looks like a boring, cold, not so fun thing to do…The hting is that i have never tried it..it takes tooo much effort…So as long as I won’t try it I will never understand the passion that my husband has for it..I would have to try it and then cultivate an interest in it to be as passionate about it as he is.,,until then it will always be something I don’t “get”
I think that it is more or less the same way with sex…For some people, whether by culture or whatever, they just don’t “get it”. The difference is that while our bodies were not created to enjoy skiing..they were created to enjoy sex…and unfortunately, while it is perfectly acceptable to ski with someone who is not your spouse, that shares your passion for hte sport..it is not acceptable to do the same with sex.
I know there is no real help here…this is something I wish I had figured out…but I don;t.
Yes. So its a combination of background culture and hormonal levels, then. I think the background culture is more the deciding factor, but don’t know.
I did get to see another side of her in regards to your and her little inside joke – ‘ man who speaks softly ‘ lol. Its there, just maybe the mechanics of background and culture make her to want to ‘hide’ it, or something.
I never thought of it before, but maybe the procreative side – for family, home and hearth, and the rawer nature of the beast are separated into two distinct areas of the brain in some people and they don’t, or can’t intermingle the one with the other.
Maybe it runs much deeper in societies than commonly thought?
Well, we are getting called too far away and need to get back to your orgasms here…lol
Sometimes David some of us are more comfortable making light of sex or kidding about it rather than an in depth serious conversation. I know I am.
I am better after the counseling , but Marye was and sometimes can be overwhelming. Even just talking about it.
my $0.02
Well your 2 pennies went to £2 ‘ cause thats exactly the attitude, if not word-for-word, I get from Meggy!
Funny, opposites do attract, don’t they. You and yours are mirror images, so to speak, of me and mine – at least in this regard.
I have a feeling, it wouldn’t work any other way. The dynamics of the push and pull of opposite poles is what keeps a battery together – and also provides the power.
My 2 cents