Stalking the Elusive “O” Part One
November 13, 2008 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
When Marc posted the Longer Marriage post it got me thinking about a lot of things. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone’s marriage is the same…not everyone’s body works the same.
We talk about sex a lot on Marriage Actually. The reason that we do is because it is one of the biggest problems in marriages. You would think with all of the movies, t.v. and trashy magazines that are out there everyone was cool with sex…but sadly, it isn’t true. This will be a series of parts..and I am not sure how many parts there will be. 
Before you read further…I do not intend to be family friendly in this discussion. I intend to be honest, open and real. I believe that women are responsible for their own sexual fulfillment ..but I also believe that couples are responsible to each other for their sexuality. In other words, while I am responsible for doing what I need to do to make sex awesome for myself…Marc is responsible for doing what he can to make it awesome for me as well. And vice versa.
I also want to point out that while it is USUALLY women that have the difficulty in enjoying their sexuality it can ALSO be men that have difficulty…
Ready?
There are a lot of people that do not enjoy sex, or don’t enjoy it to its potential. There are a lot of reasons that they don’t.
I can’t fix every problem, nor can I explain every reason but I can give you some ideas that might help. I also am not equipped to explain the reasons men might have difficulty with sex, but I suspect that a lot of the information is the same. I am not a psychologist nor do I play one on t.v….these posts are just my own thoughts and experiences as a woman.
Many couples do not really understand how their bodies work. For guys in their twenties it is pretty simple really. Their testosterone levels keep sex easy. But as they get older those testosterone levels don’t always make things easy anymore. Now, women often have to work harder at enjoying sex from the beginning. Fewer women than men will admit to masturbation at any age. That is not necessarily a good thing. (and more about this later)
You need to understand how your body works, first and then you need to reacquaint yourself with ….yourself. Likes, dislikes, emotions, sensuality….the whole thing. Sex is not just a physical thing. In the same way you need to have an understanding of how your mate’s body works. If you wives are rolling your eyes and thinking, “Yep..I KNOW how it works”, well, it really isn’t that simple.
Until you understand how your AND your mate’s bodies work your sex life is not going to be everything you want it to be, nor will it be everything it could be. Married sex should make porn look very….boring. If it doesn’t then there is a problem.
Sexuality is like a stew. There are a lot of components that go into it to make it good. Each of the components has to be understood in order for it to work properly.
- Emotions
- Spirituality
- Physical
- Mental/Intellectual
Now, keep following, o.k.?I am married to a man that thinks like an engineer. I think most men do. Out of those four components of sexuality there are millions of possible combinations. For example, some may have a 30%, 50%, 15%, 5% blend where if they feel safe emotionally, and feel spiritually one with their lover, then as long as they are not exhausted they don’t need much “sweet talk” to get them in the mood. On the other hand someone that is 50%, 40%, 0%, 10% will need a whole different set of circumstances and triggers.
Generally men do not need as much of the emotional/spiritual stimulation to get into it sexually…BUT I do believe that with these things sex is much more satisfying for both men and women.
The only way you are going to know which combination your spouse is is to communicate in a loving way. Allow your spouse to tell you what he/she needs and provide a safe environment to explore their sexuality as well as sensuality. Understand that what to you may be a safe environment may not feel safe for them.
I tend to overwhelm Marc. I don’t mean to but I do. If I am not careful I create an environment that is definitely not safe nor comfortable for him…and that is no fun for either of us. The trick is to be myself while honoring his comfort zone. With us that is not an easy task.
The Bible says that Abraham knew his wife when he had sex with her. I don’t think that it is just a coincidence. Most people want to be known and loved for the unique qualities they bring to the relationship. I want Marc to know me. Not just who he thinks I am after 28 years of being together…but who I really am. Inside. What are my fears? My hopes? My dreams? My regrets?
Spend some time being transparent with each other as a couple. Risk being vulnerable, and risk getting hurt. Give your spouse your undivided attention. And if you haven’t done that in awhile be prepared to be met with skepticism.
I would suggest that you talk about boundaries and comfort zones.
More later….
image:morguefile
WHY????? Why do you insist on stretching me? (grin) Ok, so I totally get the woman side of it (surprise surprise) and actually several months ago, made a good attempt at explaining to DH, that if he made no attempt to try to understand what I was trying to TELL him and shut me out, whyon earth would I want to open myself up sexually?? (Ok, I misspelled that 3 times tryint o write this. Apparently I’m not even comfortable spelling the word let alone talking about it) (grin)
Now, I will try to talk to him about what makes him tick. This weekend. I promise.
By the way, things have been better since that explanation, and he actually makes an attempt to understand, which means the world to me!
YAY!
Face it Heather…my spiritual gifting is pushing buttons.
Heather…by the way…
SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX
There is at least ONE area where interest – thats romantic, high-energy, raw sex – all of it, regardless of how one or one’s spouse has been or will be in the future, takes a dramatic ride up the mountain.
That’s in the area of office flings – whether it be simple flirtation or emotional connectivity or creaking bedsprings – whatever.
The fellow may be as dead as a doornob and the woman may be as cold as the Norwegian snows, but let a little something or another start at the office and you’d be AMAZED at how ‘in-tune’ the little luv byrds get with each other’s likes and wants.
Seen it first hand. Know many more who have as well.
=========================
I recall how Caesar and Cleo
Made love in the Milky Way
They needed boats and armies to get there;
I know there’s a better way
– Sedan Delivery
That is sad David…because if they would work as hard on what they have at home it would be even better
And I agree most emphatically with you on that.
Thanks Marye. This has got me thinking.
You are welcome Lisa…I hope that you find the rest of the series helpful
LOL!!! Awe, you are such a funny woman.
aw..yeah…you are not the first to say so..
Didn’t mean to throw cold water on a great topic with my off-the-cuff remark about office flings.
But instead of retreating to the safety of spouting ‘the Party Line’ and nervous giggling…why not ask the question ‘ Why does the spectre of office ( or any verbotten kind ) have such appeal?’
I think then we’ve a good chance to apply that to our own marriages – rather than ‘oh that’s so sad’ cause we all know it is unfortunately a reality in so many lives, eh?
If you’re going to open up dangerous topics, don’t retreat half-way.
If that proves to be a little to real, then for sure, I’ll back off ( I do agree with you Marye, but I think we miss something here by not taking a look at it, despite our uneasiness about the subject )
– the gadfly
Dear Gadfly,
surely you know me better than that by now, retreat? Never.
It is sad, and it is a reality, and I do want to dialogue it…I plan an entire post on the subject..but can I finish with my orgasms first?
If I forget comment and remind me please.
“…..but can I finish with my orgasms first?”
I don’t think I’ve laughed as hard at anything for a long time.
Meggy keeps asking what this site is about…I’ve difficulty explaining it in a way that makes sense to the Cantonese mindset…
She keeps asking if I’ve been on the ‘Man with big-stick website’
==========================
This, is our finest hour
– Churchill
David..tell her Marc will be VERY happy to know that he is known in that way… :::grin:::
Sex and marriage doesn’t make sense to her?
“…Marc will be VERY happy to know that he is known in that way…”
Uh Uh…no, no. That’s just between you and me, lol.
“…Sex and marriage doesn’t make sense to her?”
Well, rather its the open and frank discussions and in particular, the ‘transparency’ nature of what you guys are doing.
While even rare here, it is heretical/revolutionary to the asian world of ‘Face’ ( putting on bs and hiding any and all negatives and at all costs, never, never, never be open and frank about anything ) Not understood over here to what lengths they take it.
Anyway, I have to say, she’s quite intrigued, since she stumbled upon us. She did catch on rather quickly to your sense of humour, I might add.
Now I’ve got to explain what an ‘Elusive O’ is…
Now I’ve got to explain what an ‘Elusive O’ is…
Why don;t you just go show her?
Yeah, I volunteered but she said she’s already had one too many pearl necklaces for the evening
You need to read the part about anatomy….
:::grin:::
David,
Uh Uh…no, no. That’s just between you and me, lol.
I already read it David, It’s gone to my head.
LOL!!!
I’m glad she’s had to go on her business trip, lol. I’d hate to have to explain THAT to her…
Bad part is, maybe I wouldn’t need to……..
I just knew I should’ve left Popeye out of this!!