Stay Close-Memoir of Mothering & Addiction
July 18, 2009 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
I read this interview with Libby Cataldi, author of “Stay Close: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction.”
She talks about how she feels that interfering with her son’s failures – bailing him out of jail, paying for his fine when his car was towed, etc – actually enabled him and prolonged his period of drug use. She found it impossible to turn away, to not help him when he needed help.
Cataldi: I blame myself all of the time. Absolutely I felt like a failure, like a failure as a mother. I should have been able to fix it. I should have been able to do something differently. If I could have cut out my heart and given it for him to be well, I would have done that.
“I should have been able to fix it.” What mother does not think that phrase at some time? When my daughter would struggle, I would do her work for her, I was so desperate for her to not fail. Instead of helping, I enabled her. It took failing on her own for it to sink in and unfortunately, it’s something she is still working through.
Or maybe it’s not unfortunate. Maybe it’s just part of the process of growing. I still fail, I’m still struggling. My mother offered to help me pay something the other day and I was appalled. I haven’t needed her help financially in years and I will not go back to that now. I have already figured that particular problem out and I didn’t need her help, thank goodness. Just the offer of it freaked me out. I did appreciate it. I don’t want to sound like a bad daughter.
Learning to own your mistakes, to embrace your failures, is a big part of learning to be a grown-up. It takes some of us a little longer to get there.
This book sounds very interesting and even if you are not the parent of an addict, I think mothers will find a reason to relate to Libby Cataldi. I’m going to take a look at the book, although as the ex-wife of a former addict, I have a hard time with the subject matter. (Shows like “Intervention,” might be great entertainment to some people, but are a reminder of hell to me.)
Image credit: Amazon.com
