@HopefulNebula’s comment re: speech therapy I just wanted to point out (and acknowledge that it may be very different insome areas of the country) that ALL communication-related therapies generally come under the auspices of “speech” therapy. Not the best umbrella term, I’ll conceded, but it does also include the sorts of therapy my son is currently receiving which is NOT at all focused on the sounds of speaking but on the ability to understand language and to find means of communicating his needs and desires. My son has NO speech at all but can communicate very well in many cases; the speech therapy also includes evals for augmentative communication devices.

@Nicola, I hope you are able to find the supports in your area (and online) to find solutions to many of the issues you raised. You may already be familiar with some of these sites but I find them helpful in learning more about what’s happening in my georaphic area (http://autismbulletin.blogspot.com/) and this one for special ed laws and advice (www.wrightslaw.com).

We, too, took our child out of school just this fall. (You can learn more about him/us at http://maternal-instincts.blogspost.com) We didn’t have it in us to fight the battle royale that we would have had to fight with the school to get an honest to goodness APPROPRIATE IEP for Nik. We may need to do that one day but not yet.

I wish you well.

I think you need to concentrate on building your daughter up, Improving her self-worth. I Googled ‘”autism camps” Kentucky’ and came up with a few hits. Perhaps one of these would be suitable.

You and your husband do need a support group. My wife and I were lucky enough to meet someone from a church with programs for special needs children. They have become a big part of our lives, sometimes I think too big, but I know my daughter will never be turned away from any of their events, nor the homes of the people who attend.

Do what you can do to mitigate your daughter’s condition, but make sure SHE knows she is not a lesser person because of her autism.

I think your daughter might benefit greatly from speaking with some autistic adults.

first, just thank you for your too kind words. thank you.

I am up for tenure myself this year; won’t know till June. It was just last year—partially from writing online—that I was able to return to academic writing, though I’ve always struggled to “fit” myself into an academic field. (I have an undergraduate degree in Classics and a doctorate in Comparative Literature, with a focus on lyric poetry and literary theory.) Like Emily, I resigned from a tenure-track job; the job was in St. Paul, my husband had a tenured job in St. Louis, and there was no way we could commute and take care of Charlie. At that point in Charlie’s life—-he was a preschooler—it meant a lot to me to be able to be home and to, as it were, reschool myself in ABA, VB, speech therapy. We moved back to New Jersey so that Charlie could go to school here, with one one-semester job between us. I worked in non tenure-track positions until getting my current job.

I’m really thinking of your husband and you and your family—wish I could help more. When you write “he tells me his academic career has essentially been destroyed because of this situation.”—-our situation has not been exactly the same, but I know too well what you mean—-

It is my understanding that sometimes, in a crushed economy, education suddenly becomes important as people seek to expand their job skills. That’s why I mentioned teaching skills. If they’re there, they can be invaluable. I know this from personal experience.

He also should be entitled to 18 months of COBRA. With the year he has left and those 18 months, that’s over two years. Lots may happen with the economy in that period.

Anyway, I am sorry about the tenure thing. Good people get screwed out of tenure, sometimes for the most idiotic reasons. It’s infuriating.

No, I do not consider your comments to be patronizing or condescending. Thanks for your feedback.

Unless your husband plans to stay where you are in spite of not getting tenure, this might be a time to look at places where the public schools have solid, ongoing, professional programs for children on the spectrum. We’re in just one of those districts, and I think Kristina is, too (across the country from each other). This may be completely untenable, but it’s one possible way to see that closed tenure door as an open window for your family’s future. And it might help you and your husband not to unwillingly view your daughter as an obstacle to your personal advancement. What doesn’t qualify a person for tenure in some places is just fine in others, as you probably know. If his teaching’s good, there are places that would be glad to have him and give him tenure credit earned.

And there are many kinds of pleasures. I did none of the things you describe as “normal childhood pleasures,” probably because of my own status with “issues.” Thus, I forged my own set of pleasures and honestly, even then I knew that it was a different but possibly more interesting path that I was following. Your daughter, if her dx is Asperger’s, presumably has at least average intelligence, and she may be able to intellectualize these things.

Kids on the spectrum often “click” with other kids on the spectrum. Can you seek out camps or playgroups or ANY opportunities like that for her to find friends or at least someone for parallel play?

My penultimate comment is this: If an IEP is inadequate, raise hell until they produce one that is adequate. These are your rights, and more important, they’re her rights, and when they learn that parents know their rights and will demand them, they generally will capitulate. My school district knows exactly how far I’m willing to go and how fast I’ll go there if they don’t do what is necessary for our son (dx, Asperger’s).

My final comment is this: It sounds like you and your husband really need a support network. I strongly encourage pursuing any avenues available for that, from the group of parents who post and comment in this “circle of blogs” to groups in your area (craigslist? OASIS? some resources out there for that), etc. Reach out and talk and exchange ideas and ask for help and get support whenever you need it. I think it’s so important not to be alone–as a family, not just as a person–in this. That way, you, your husband, and probably most important, your daughter, will know that you are NOT the only ones in your boat.

Again, sorry if this seems patronizing, but your comments here strike a familiar cord, probably with many of us.
E