Stop Blaming the Victim
As more details/speculation/rumors come out about the Rihanna/Chris Brown altercation, many people have an opinion. Several commentors are sharing their thoughts over on MTV’s site and it breaks my heart to hear what they are saying.
While most of the comments are from people who are shocked and appalled at Chris Brown’s behavior, there some comments blaming Rihanna. Comments like “I don’t think Chris would just a hit a girl like that. She had to do something or say something out the way for him to really hurt her. And “… Chris’ career may be ruined forever … sooo sad. I love all his songs. Well I’m still gonna support him. I just don’t believe it … until he says it ….. cause Rihanna is a ***** .. well she looks like one anyways.”
It’s disgusting that people would blame the victim. It’s sad that after everything we’ve learned about domestic abuse there are still some people who defend the abuser.
Arguments are never resolved with fists. And it is NEVER ok for a man to hit a woman. There is not a single thing she could have said that would make it ok for him to leave her bruised and battered. If she was attacking him he needed to pull over and walk (or run) away. Call for help. It may not seem “manly” for a guy to run away, but a real man doesn’t hit a woman.
Unfortunately there are still a few people out there who don’t understand this.
What an appropo story (esp. considering your valentine story from your youngest). We need to better teach our kids to walk away when there is violence – not to escalate it. Even it another person is being mean to us, it is not appropriate to fight back (unless your life is in danger, but there is no indication of that in the Rhianna/Chris Brown altercation – the victim is the one suffering the damages). All of us need to learn to be the bigger person.
In cases of domestic violence, there are two snap judgments generally made:
1. We know which party is the victim.
2. The most damaged party is 100% blameless.
I’m not going to comment on this specific case because I am hopelessly out of touch with pop culture and know nothing about these two people.
When it comes to domestic violence (and many other crimes), we tend to drop all shades of gray and put people in neat, clean black and white jars. The facts and circumstances are rarely that tidy.
FOR EXAMPLE
As a fairly serious cyclist, I tend to believe the low-impact, eco-friendly cyclist is always right and the Starbucks swilling pig in the gas-guzzling SUV is always wrong.
I have even personally made snap judgments in real-world situations that almost lead to fisticuffs.
Now, in addition to riding more cautiously, I’m less inclined to rush to judgment when I hear a ‘car came out of nowhere’ story.
CAN THE VICTIM BE PARTIALLY TO BLAME?
Let’s take two scenarios and see if we can place a percentage of blame on the victim.
1. Grandma is sitting in the middle of church on Sunday morning. She has with her a nice big wad of cash that she is going to drop in the collection plate to support the mission trip that is leaving for Honduras the following week. A masked gunman runs into the back of the church, grabs her wad and runs out.
In this case, I think the victim is mostly off the hook. She was in a safe place at a safe time and had little reason to believe she would be robbed. She had shown due diligence and was a good steward of her treasure.
That said, she gets a demerit for carrying a large wad of cash instead of a check. I’d put 3% of the blame on Grandma, the Victim.
2. I’m looking to score some cocaine. My regular dealer is out of town on a federally-ordered ‘vacation’. I got the address of another supplier but his offices are in a bad area of town. Oh well.
I go to the ATM and pull out $500. I then drive to a bad area of town with which I’m not familiar. I park a ways away to throw off The Man<The Man>. Instead of walking down the already-shifty but well-lit main street, I choose an alley and save myself 100 yards of walking. In that alley with my fist full of $20 bills, I meet a robber.
The robber knocks me down, beats me up and takes my $500. Let’s spin the victim wheel and see where it lands!
In this case, as the Victim, I’m going to up my level of culpability substantially. I was carrying a large amount of cash in a bad area of town on my way to procure in illicit substance. Looks like I failed to exercise good judgment.
I’m at fault a full 45% in this case. The robber still committed an illegal act and deserves to pay for his crime, of course, but my victim status is tarnished.
HOW DOES THIS APPLY TO MY KIDS?
Cell phones seem to be a reoccurring topic on Weary Parent, so let’s use that as an example.
My son is riding home from school. The heavens open up and it rains like crazy. Between the rain and cars throwing up water, the cell phone in his backpack gets wet and stops working.
What if his friends dared him to jump off the Blue Heron Bridge, some 70 feet above the Intercoastal waterway? What if he forgot to take the cell phone out of his pocket before he jumped and it got wet and died? Would that be a different situation?
In which case is he a victim?
SOME ABUSE CAN’T BE SEEN BUT IS EQUALLY PAINFUL
We assume the woman with the bloody nose is a 100% blame-free victim and the man is a bastard who deserves a long jail term which includes lots of unwanted anal intrusions.
Yet, when a woman finally cracks and kills her abusive husband, we all rise up to support her and are pleased she killed the bastard.
I’m not saying either of the above is correct, I’m just saying that not everything is black and white.
Please, make sure you have enough knowledge to identify the victim and measure out negligence.
—Matt
Matthew – I couldn’t disagree with you comment more. This is what’s wrong with our society today. Everybody wants to find blame in somebody else and nobody wants to take personal responsibility.
If you hit a woman that makes you a coward and an abuser. I don’t care if she’s spitting in your face, calling you dirty names or even hits you first. You are to blame for hitting her.
Chris Brown cannot control Rihanna, but he sure as hell can control himself. Nobody but Chris Brown and Rihanna know exactly what happened in that car and the street that night, but Rihanna ended up bruised and bloody. She is a victim. And no matter what she did, she is not to blame for Chris beating her.
If Rihanna also attacked Chris Brown then he can file his own domestic abuse charges against her. But each charge would be evaluated on its own merit. And that doesn’t take away from the fact that Chris Brown should have kept his hands to himself and walked away.
And to your point about a woman who kills her abuser…if she plans her attack and kills him in his sleep, she goes to jail (or a psych ward). If she kills him in self-defense while he’s attacking her that’s something different. The law provides for us to protect ourselves.
Interesting… We both could have used the same thesis statement (taken from your comment):
“This is what’s wrong with our society today. Everybody wants to find blame in somebody else and nobody wants to take personal responsibility.”
Yet, we both interpreted that to mean something diametrically opposed.
Again, let me say I can’t comment on the specific situation since I don’t know anything about the two involved or the situation.
—Matt
Yes, but your examples require the victim to predict somebody else’s behavior. The grandmother who may have grown up in a community where she didn’t even have to lock her door must think that she should bring a check because some maniac could enter the church and steal her cash. A woman has to think about whether or not she can be herself and show emotion or anger. Or will that make her boyfriend hit her.
We cannot predict what somebody else will do. We can guess and, of course, chances are higher in some situations (walking down a dark alley at night…alone), but we will never truly foresee what another person will do. People are vastly different and some are irrational. We can’t control them. We can only control ourselves. We can only be responsible for our own actions. But we also cannot live in fear wondering if what we do is going to trigger criminal activity in somebody else. Yes, you need to protect yourself when you can, but when somebody else chooses to break the law they are the one who is fully to blame.
your examples require the victim to predict somebody else’s behavior.
Day to day life requires us to make predictions about the behavior of others. One of the reasons humans rank above animals is our capacity to figure out what is going to happen next.
Throughout the animal kingdom, there are creatures whose senses and abilities far outmatch our own. Some animals smell better or see better. Some animals are stronger or faster than are we. The reason we are at the top of the food chain is that we are able to take the lesser inputs we have and use our better mind to figure out what is going to happen next.
* When a good salesman meets a potential client for the first time, the salesman is continually reading the client, predicting his personality and driving the conversation to topics that move the sale forward.
* On a date, you are continually trying to figure out what the other person is thinking and trying to predict where the date is going. Is he going to open the car door for you? Is he going to lean left or lean right for the goodnight kiss?
* Also on a date, you might consider if the rudeness he showed the waitress might someday be shown to you. Or is he going to treat you as poorly as he treated the valet. Or is he going to eventually hit you the way he hits his sister or mother.
* Is that driver in front of you really looking to get in the left lane or has he just forgotten to turn off his blinker?
We make predictions every day, from small to large. Not everything could be predicted but the better we learn to read signs and act accordingly, the better off we all are.
We can only control ourselves. We can only be responsible for our own actions.
Again, that is a point I would like to make myself. We can only be responsible for our own actions… and how our actions affect others.
One of the actions we can control more often than not is if we choose to stay or if we choose to go.
I don’t know a lot of abused woman but I have known a few. I still don’t know anything about Rihanna and Chris Brown but I’m willing to make a prediction… the latest incident wasn’t the first incident.
Sad but typical.
One of the most important things we can teach our kids is to look for signs, read signs and then act accordingly. When there are no clear signs, a hunch, a guess or a prediction can be the next best thing.
—Matt
There are no excuses to put your hands on a woman, EVER. And it’s not like just a slap in the face, it was a beating. What ever she supposedly did (or did not do) does NOT warrent his abuse. He needs to grow some balls and own up to it and pay the consequences.
The last time everyone was so sure of a guilty party, the Duke Lacrosse team took a real beating.
—Matt
I keep hearing that we should wait until all the facts come out. I’m wondering exactly what facts will make it okay for him to have hit her?
Fair question, Magali.
This woman, this man, I have no idea.
More generally, a woman aggressive and violent, escape was not possible and there was no other way to subdue her. Maybe:
1. The woman had a weapon disproportionate for the situation, such as a gun. In disarming, she was injured.
2. The woman was on a drug that made her disproportionally aggressive and strong. Maybe a combination of PCP, meth and steroids.
3. The woman killed my child.
Have you every watched a show such as Cops where police try to subdue people who don’t want to be subdued? Sometimes is is woman who have broken the law. Even a police officer with years of experience and training will sometimes leave an ugly looking mark in the processes of subduing the suspect.
If a police officer, or several officers, can’t get a crazy suspect down without injury, what are my chances as a civilian with no training and no experience?
A lot of folks here seem to think I’m defending a man I do not know in a situation I know nothing about. That’s not true. I just want folks to think before the convict and know that the world isn’t black and white.
—Matt