Stress for SAHMs v. Working Moms
June 17, 2008 by Tracee Sioux
Filed under Parenting
Mothers periodically reevaluate whether they should go back to work or quit their jobs – depending on their current situation.
I found these fascinating statistics in FEMININE MISTAKE, THE: ARE WE GIVING UP TOO MUCH?
One Harvard and Cornell study found that
Women who were homemakers at the beginning of their three-year study and and then went to work full time reported a decrease in psychological distress.
A Women’s Studies Research Center at Brandeis University and Women’s eNews study found that
Women who were employed full time and then dropped out to stay home reported an increase in distress, regardless if they had children. Women who had a child but stayed in the work force showed no increase in distress. But women who had a child and dropped out of the work force experienced a major increase in stress.
Dan Baker, author of What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better
seemingly counter-intuitive decreased level of distress in working women by giving a high happiness priority to “a sense of freedom,” proactivity and security. A sense of working women feeling a measure of control over their own destinies.
Versus what he terms “the lesser life,” characterized by fear, a lack of options, a narrow focus, a sense of purposelessness, anxiety and depression. The emotional reality for many women who are economically dependent.
Other statistics report that working is physically healthier for mothers.
By the age of fifty-four, those who combined roles of employees, parents and parters were significantly less likely to report ill health than were those whose lives did not include all three roles. The women who had been homemakers for all or most of their lives were most likely to say that their health was poor, followed by single mothers and childless women. The study, which was reported in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, also found that 38 percent of the long-term housewives suffered from obesity, in comparison with 23 percent of the working mothers.
Another report by a Dr. Anna Fels in Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women’s Changing Lives
Employed women are healthier than their homemaker peers, despite the pressure of their added responsibilities. They have lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol levels and lower weight. Psychologically, working women have less depression than their domestic counterparts, and they have, astonishingly been reported to have less anxiety.
I definately believe these studies. I have worked and have been a SAHM, and I can honestly say that staying at home w/ the kids was much more stressful, much more emotionally draining, and I felt much less productive than I do now..BUT, I desperately want to stay at home again. That time w/ my children is worth the tradeoff. I can’t see staying at home once they’re in school, but while they’re little – I believe it’s worth it.
Do you feel the social pressure to stay home is influencing your decision That Girl?
Do you feel moms are supposed to “desperately want to stay home again,” or risk the judgement of being a bad mom?
no, I don’t. I feel more pressure to work (from family and friends) than I do to stay at home. I feel that some of my friends and some of my family either don’t respect SAHM’s or resent them..
Funny. I feel exactly the opposite. I feel an incredible amount of pressure to “stay home” to be a “good” mom.
I’ve vacillated between the two and I’ve found that when I work the SAHMS stop talking to me or calling me and when I stay home the Working Mothers stop talking to me or calling me.
I feel like I walk the tight rope between the two worlds – work at home mom – in large part because I want to avoid the judgement and criticism of the two camps!
I feel pressured because I was raised by a single parent who worked 2, sometimes 3, jobs to put food on the table. I WANT to be there for my kids and give them all the things I missed out on.
My kids are far more well rounded than I was, and are emotionally stable.
It was important for me to be there for them. When I was working it just shredded my heart knowing my baby was taking first steps for my mother-in-law. He started calling her mama. I wanted to just die. Mostly he was with my husband. We worked opposite shifts so we didn’t have to put him in daycare.
To say it was hard, would be a serious understatement.
Staying home is much more emotionally draining, and although I don’t get paid for it I feel more in control of my life.
Making my own money brings validation, and control in a different way. It IS crazy to be financially dependent on someone for your whole life. But I think it’s also nuts to let other people basically raise your kids (if you don’t absolutely have to.) Our whole family made big sacrifices so I could be home, and if we were in real financial peril I would suck it up and work. I consider the smaller house, and paid for older cars a worthy sacrifice.
This is my season to be home with them. This is what I chose. I feel good about it. No regrets.
I have friends who work. I have friends who stay at home. The older I get the less I judge about these things. If their kids are thriving, and happy awesome. Some families truly have to have two working parents. In fact a lot do. Those are the families I really feel for. The ones who have only ONE choice.
I’ve been a SAHM for 9 years now, and I’ve worked here and there very part time (like one day a week for 3-5 hours). I haven’t worked full time outside the home (had a WAHM stint for a few years when my boys were really young, which I think was not a good thing for that time in my life) since having my first baby. I do agree though with what was written about what stresses out a SAHM. I think it would be nice to have a job where you can actually FINISH a duty or a task and be done with it! And get an “attaboy” as well. Instead it seems the things I do are never done (laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, at least the diaper changes are behind me) and my “projects” won’t move out for at least 9, 11.5, and 13.5 more years, and even if they do move out then, they will probably still need assistance! Not sure when exactly I’ll know that they are successes lol. I don’t agree with the “economically dependant” part though, I don’t feel dependant on my husband, but I do wish I could contribute financially, which is one reason why I’ve worked the little amount I have worked. We have never looked at the money as “his” and “hers”. I have gotten over feeling bad for spending money (well, feeling any worse than I would feel if I had been the one out working for it!). I figure I work hard at home, we’d have to pay someone else to take care of the kids if I was working, so it’s got to be worth something!
My kids have been more demanding than college and any boss I’ve had! I may go back to work part time (ie during school hours) once my youngest is in school full time, but we’ll see. I like being able to help at the school and attend class parties and such. Plus I kind of think that after all the intense years when they were itty bitty, I deserve some time alone to do some fun stuff while they are all off at school , or just clean the house or grocery shop in peace.
Most of my friends are SAHMs as well, but I think that is just because that is what our schedules allow. I tend to hang with other moms that I can call at 10 in the morning on Thursday and see if they are up for Chuck E Cheese or the park. I do have working mom friends, but don’t see them near as much as my sahm counterparts. It’s just harder to coordinate getting together (or even calling) when it has to be done during “family” time when daddy is home.
Personally, I think a mom should do whatever allows her to be a better mom. And only she knows what is best for her and her family. I would have felt I was missing out on too much to work when they were babies, and I felt a strong need to be their primary caregiver, even if it left me exhausted and sometimes at the end of my rope. Now that they are older I’m glad to let some other adults (teachers, Sunday school leaders, youth center leaders, coaches, etc.) step in and offer them guidance and a different take on the world.
I think I might have bought into an “ideal” that maybe wasn’t worth it. I’ve experienced this ideal as a major burden.
Quitting my job after having my baby destroyed us financially and nearly destroyed my marriage.
It was supposed to be a “worthy sacrifice” – but, was it really? I’m not so sure anymore.
Economic dependence has not been something I’ve enjoyed one single bit. Nor has poverty.
Yup, going through a “poverty spell” in order to have one stay at home parent sucks. I know lots of women who didn’t work because they couldn’t afford to. I had three in diapers when the twins were born. It would have taken 2/3 of my income to pay for daycare.
I have an aunt who worked full time while her children were little. She didn’t really want to – her husband’s spending habits warranted it, and he also felt it was best. She deeply regrets giving up that time w/ her boys. She is somewhat bitter about it now. Sad conversations with her haunt me. She regrets not standing up for what she wanted.
I think we’re all looking for that magical key that unlocks the life balance we crave and we make the mistake of thinking a copy will work for us. I’m tired of working 40 hour weeks (60 if you count the time I’m actually away from the house dropping off and lunch and driving home)..but I’m scared of another poverty spell too. My ideal would be somewhere in between. Enough money to be comfortable (which means the muscles between my eyebrows releasing) and enough time w/ the kids to be “fun mommy”. Where’s MY damn key?
I don’t want what you’ve got That Girl. I want the THIRD choice. The one where we force the workplace to recognize that employees have families and learn to be flexible about their hours.
The one where the workplace recognizes the invaluable contributions of women and works around their mothering responsibilities.
Most of all I want people to stop saying, “well, you chose to work or stay home.” When you’re faced with 60 hrs away or no job that’s a choice between Eat Shit and Suck Ass.
It’s like saying “Well, you chose eat shit, why are you complaining? You could have chose suck ass.”
Where is the flexible work week where I get to telecommute and I’m still paid a professional salary? Where is that? THAT’s what I want.
That’s why I love what Momsrising is doing. They marched on John McCain and delivered overqualified mothers resumes in response to his saying women need more qualifications to get equal pay. Do you know how many stay at home moms I know with Masters and Doctorates and Bachelors who just don’t like their either/or choices. They wore sashes that said Magnificently Overqualified Mothers and dropped off 9,000 resumes – mine included.
We CAN make employers offer the Third Choice to women through legislation and social pressure on corporations.
Oh and my kids are being so “wonderful” two weeks into summer vacation that if I had the money I’d drop them off at daycare right now without a guilty bone in my body just for some PEACE. They would have more fun and I would have more peace of mind and calmness.
LOL..it’s the summer fever. I was late for work EVERY day last week due to Vacation Bible School. Summer is kind of bittersweet – like the family vacation. You don’t want to miss it, but it wears you the hell out!
I don’t want what I’ve got either – that’s what I’m saying. I want that third choice. But I think in reality our ‘third choice’ is going to come (lets pray it comes) in lots of different forms.
I like momrising too. Thanks for turning me on to it.
Is it going to come if we keep repeating “it’s worth the sacrifice,” and “I’m happy with my choice,”
I think a better refrain, more effective and more illustrative of what we really want, would be “I DEMAND MORE CHOICES!” A third, fourth, fifth and sixth choice!
I feel the guilt about working, although I do work for an employer that allows me to work flexible 30 hours a week. We need two incomes to survive, otherwise, I would stay home with my kids, I think…….its so tough…I have made choices in my life, gone through schooling and now I am teed up for this career that I don’t even know if I want…but I have the loans to remind me that at one point in time, I did want it.
I am coming to the realization that as we grow older, we have to determine what is the most important thing in our lives. Once we decide that, we have to try not to settle in that area. But with most everything else, we will have to settle for less than ideal in order to not settle in the most important area. Settling is something that I have never agreed with, but as I prioritize, I find that it has helped me to remember how I want to spend my days and what I want to focus on.
Thanks for the blog Tracee, I really enjoy it.
What if women collectively decided to forgo the perfection ideal and said “NO” to guilt?
VEM, does your husband feel guilty for working? If not, why do you? There’s something wrong with this picture if the husband feels no guilt for holding down a job if he has children but the wife feels guilt for also holding down a job.
I agree Tracee, I think SAHM’s and working moms should just refuse to go on this cultural guilt trip.
I don’t know about a “cultural guilt trip.” I don’t doubt that it exists, but the guilt I feel refers to not being with my kids. Although it stems from holding down a job, in that because I have a job I can’t be with my kids and have to rely on daycare providers during the day, my inner struggle simply stems from my desire to be with my kids more. My husband is a teacher and has summers full time with our kids and everyday after school.
My struggle continues even when he is home with them during the summer and they are not at daycare. I just want to be with them.
Me too vem. I have this instinctual need for them to be physically close to me at least the better part of a day.. I want to provide them w/ what they’re getting from other people right now. And, I want to have energy for them – at the end of the day now, I feel drained and they’re needing my energy and attention. When I stayed at home I definately felt drained by the end of a day, but I didn’t go to bed wishing I could let them sleep w/ me just to fit in a little extra ‘time’.
I know traditionally people felt women ’should’ stay home w/ the kids – but honestly, there’s a huge camp of people out there now who feel like women should pitch in financially too. So really, we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. I’m speaking about what I long for, in my heart – not a role given me by someone else that I long to fill.
I am home with my kids all day long and I promise you I have nothing, emotionally or energy-wise, left for them by the end of the day either. I feel completely sucked dry by the end of the day.
There is a “damned if you do” and “damned if you don’t” trap for mothers. An unrealistic expectation of perfection.
But doesn’t it feel good to know that they recieved all that energy from you? Rather than a boss and co-workers somewhere?
No, I *thought”* it would when I was working away from them. I felt just like you do.
Now that I’m working from home I feel torn in two directions 24 hrs a day. Inadequate in my work AND in my parenting. My mind is thinking two things at once or vacillating between two tasks- them and my work – all the time and I feel it makes me less effective both at parenting and working.
Frankly, my fondest and deepest held desire is that I can afford to send my 2 year old to a preschool two days a week so that I can do my work in peace without distraction. And so that I won’t resent his asking me for a drink and demanding my attention. I feel guilty for resenting my children’s intrusion.
I think he would have more fun and learn more. I would feel like I could have my attention on one thing and become more effective at what I’m doing in each moment.
I feel like that longing feeling was like wishing life was like a Norman Rockwell painting – unrealistic.
Two days a week wouldn’t be that much surely? That sounds very reasonable Tracee and he would enjoy that, I understand what you’re trying to do there and you ARE being pulled in 2 directions. I had the same issues as a college student.
I’m praying for it every day.
After having experience working fulltime, staying at home and not working, working part-time and working from home – I experienced guilt.
The source of the guilt changed. But, the unrealistic expectations of perfection remained the same. The pressure came from different sources – but there was always pressure to do something different.
I guess I think now that I’d just as soon do what makes ME happy and resist all pressure from everyone. I should just say NO to guilt and pressure from others. It’s the only way out!
I ask this without judgement, I’m just really curious.
You’ve written several articles about how precarious it is to be a SAHM, so why don’t you go back to work?
Really, not judgmental, just wondering what your reasoning is.
That’s a fair question Sara.
I am working right now. From home. So I guess I have “gone back to work.”
The precarious SAHM articles have mostly been in connection to The Feminine Mistake, which I’ve been reading and reviewing. I’m working out my feelings about it as I write. I’m reconsidering my choices and testing them against the author’s logic.
Oh sorry, I did not realize you were working at home. Lucky.
I have been dealing with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) How in the world i got it i dont know, I have three kids ages 5 1/2, 4, and 18 months. I recently left my job because of the Anxiety, I was having too many attacks. I do think it is less stressfull working than staying home. Having this anxiety is stressing me out more, then having to stay home with the kids scares me some times, but i have been coping with it the best i can. My doctor wants to put me on medications(antidepressant/anxiety meds), but being home with the kids i cant be having side effects that they cause. Has anyone had GAD and how long did it last?
Becky, I’ve had enough GAD for a lifetime (leading to xanex addiction). You are wise not to take the meds. You need some coping skills. I highly recommend Yoga and breathing exercises.
Find out the true source of anxiety – your self is telling you something. Listen. When you figure it out – deal with it – then the GAD will go away.
Becky, have you ruled out other causes of anxiety like thyroid issues (and not just a TSH test, but a full thyroid panel), celiac disease (auto-immune gluten allergy), stuff like that? I ask only because IMO a lot of “depression” and “anxiety” can be rooted in disease but most doctors are quick to prescribe an antidepressant or an anti-axiety med instead of totally ruling out underlying physical causes. I was on Zoloft for a year for anxiety/depression but went off of it because I just wasn’t feeling much of anything and I’d rather feel the ups AND downs than nothing, though the lack of anxiety was nice on it. But I found out there is celiac in my family, which can cause depression and anxiety and not just GI tract issues (which I have as well), and my mom has thyroid issues but I can’t get the doc to do any further testing since my TSH came back in the “normal” range though my research indicates that the TSH test is not a reliable indicator of thyroid health. Anyway, I hope you can figure out the cause no matter what it is and get to feeling better soon. Anxiety sucks!
Thanks Tracee Sioux and Nancy Anxiety does suck, and i have a feeling that this will work itself out. I cope by staying calm, not worrying and thinking positive, hopefully this is just a phase and my old self will come back soon.
Interesting conversation going on here. I’d thought I’d jump in…
So, I have been a STAHM/WAHM since the fall of 2005. I have two girls under the age 3. Is staying home harder for me than going to work? Absolutley.
Cleaning, crying, diapers, sweeping, mopping, whining, errands, disciplining, etc….IS more emotionally and physically draining than putting on my cute outfit, some heels, grabbing some starbucks, and sitting at my computer or meetings all day. But, really…is not part of the stats that say women “prosper” living the working life a result of the way society “rewards” us for doing it?
I’m sorry, but there is a big difference in the energy I am able to put into my children, husband, and home when I don’t have to go to an outside job, then when I am gone from 8am-6pm or longer.
Furthermore, I don’t want anyone else raising my children and ENJOYING my children, the way I should be. Life is TOO SHORT! I’d rather spilt a ham sandwich for dinner, with harmony in my marriage and knowing my children have the BEST care, than have steak and my children getting “my left over” time at the end of the day!
You know what our problem is? Its that when we part of a generation of girls who grew up in a society that is painted a picture of “Ms. Savvy Working Mom” who is educated, sexy, powerful, and fulfilles v.s. “Ms. Frumpy Housewife Mom” who is uneducated, boring, fat, and depressed. Why would it not be more stressful for us to choose the latter? I believe we as women, have these stereotypes ingrained in our minds and hearts.
Therefore, we work our entire lives to become Ms. Savvy Working Mom only to find out, after we have kids, that Ms. Savvy Working mom doesn’t actually “have it all together.”
So, then we quit our job(and struggle financially because we DIDN’T LIVE OFF ONE INCOME FROM THE START!!). That’s why we have EXTRA bills, debt, etc.
Then, once we’re home we are fighting constantly the stigma of Ms. Frumpy Housewife. But, since we have only been train and bread to work, we don’t even know how or why we are trying to be home with our children. Society doesn’t value it. We don’t know what to tell people when they ask us what they do. We sit up and envy our lawyer friends and lose sight of our purpose for being home. We don’t know how to balance. We have little support. Evetually, we give up and give into the stereotypes. Our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health deteriorates. This is what we were told that Ms. Frumpy Housewife was(with her Bon Bon eating self). So, we fall into the self-fufilling prophecy. We feel depressed because we buy into the lie that what we’re doing is a worthless waste of time and we’re “losing ourselves” in the process. NO…we’re just beggining to find out who we really are!!
There IS no greater calling than to be a mother! God created us for this. Our children need US, not a nanny. God put something in us for our children, that the nanny can’t give, no matter how hard she tries. If we’re not there to give it…our children are going to have to spend extra time getting rid of baggage and trying get what we were supposse to give some other kind of way.
Here’s what they don’t want us to know: we can be healthy, relaxed, educated, fufilled, calm, happy, strong, fit stay at home moms! God is our help, with Him, nothing is impossible!
My goal is not to lay a guilt trip. It was HARD for me to stay home once I quit my job. I spent a long time on the fence! We STRUGGLED financially! I didn’t know how, when, or if we were coming out of that. Yes, that was stressful. But, my husband and I had to decide that we we’re going to let money tear us apart! We were in this thing together(for better or worse, richer or poorer!) This was just the worse and the poorer season.
We prayed! People offered me jobs making more than enough to bring us out. I turned them down, because I wanted to stay in God’s will for me. But, don’t you know God saw us through that time! Our family had clothes, shoes, food, etc. We went on two all expense paid vacations during that time!
AND…after I stopped fighting staying home…God blessed my husband with a new job…and his income has nearly doubled!
I appreciate your perspective L.H. I think a lot of what you say makes sense.
But, I most definately was not raised to work. Only “bad moms” worked where I come from. The pressure, for me, was to stay at home “because God said so.”
And while I’m very happy that your husband got a large raise (believe me I know how much happiness and relief that can bring a marriage) I still have to wonder if women, like myself too, are being foolish by putting our eggs in that basket with a 50% divorce rate.
You KNOW how difficult marriage can be. Isn’t it a little bit of denial to think the hard times are all behind you? Should you divorce, your husband will keep his high salary job and his lifestyle will continue to increase, but you will nose dive back into poverty. The law isn’t on the SAHMs side.
This is a very interesting conversation. I recently made the switch from working to being a SAHM. It was a conscious decision because I felt like I was always doing 2 jobs (paid work and mothering), but only halfway competently at either one, if that. Also, I was sick of other people being with my children more waking hours than I was. I, too, feel an intense need to be physically present with my children more hours than not. I will say that it has been SO much harder than I expected. I DO miss the social interactions, lunches, and actually using my brain to write a paper or in some other task. But I’m going to look for other ways to use my educated brain. Hey, I’ll read a book before washing dishes any day (if the girls are napping).
I started working part-time when I was 13 and I never quit working, even through college. So I am having a real identity crisis. BUT I have a peace that I did not formerly have b/c I am not pulled in 2 different directions at all times. I couldn’t really enjoy the girly lunches anyway when I knew one daughter was unhappy at daycare.
I figure, noone in the world owes me anything, and I chose to have kids, very deliberately and at a later age than most. Yep, moving to a smaller house, buying generic, cutting all extras, etc., is a pain. But at least now, if I’m up all night with a ‘teether”, I don’t have to still get up, dress up, and report to a committee. Nothing in life is perfect, and you make choices and do the best you can with what you have.
TMW, I couldn’t agree more with your perspective. I’m pregnant with my first child and will gladly quit my job once she is born to stay home with her. I work with several women who miss their children terribly during the week and I don’t envy their struggle. I don’t want to miss anything because she will only be little once. I can always find another job when she is in school. My husband and I both know it will be difficult living on one income, but I would rather have fewer “things” than hand my two month old baby over to people who barely care if she is fed and changed, much less loved and properly looked after.
Tracee,
I do understand that the “law” may not be on that the STAHM’s side. I also understand that, “naturally speaking” we(STAHM’s) put ourselves in a vulnerable situation when we leave the job market to stay home. Knowing all of that, I guess I should have stated that my thoughts and opinions are based on my faith in God though.
As I stated before, when I first quit my job, our family really went through some HARD financial times. However, we never lacked what we needed(food, shelter, clothes). We even had some things we wanted(vacations, new clothes, eating out etc).
I have needed extra grocery, gas etc money and told the Lord and no one else, and unexpected money come out of no where. Someone, who I barely speak to me contacted me once, when we were really going through and told me God put me on their heart, and wrote me a check for $200.00!
I have learned through it all that God is my source! Thank God for my husband and his job, but even if he got laid off and was out of work for a year( I beleive God would supply ALL my needs!) So, my faith is not in his job. But, that’s just my take based on my experiences and beliefs. I;m not forcing those ideas on anyone… I know we are all in different places with spritual things.
Thanks for talking about this on your blog, I think this is a great discussion to have! I think I may bring it up on my blog as well.
Of course I understand what motivates a mother want to stay home.
But, women should be SMART about it and not like a lamb led to its own slaughter.
You’ll want to take measures to protect yourself such as what Suze Orman recommends: http://www.blogfabulous.com/independence-day/
Staying politically involved in Mothers workplace issues by way of http://www.momsrising.org – in case you in the 50% divorce statistic, your husband dies or loses his job.
L.H. I love your faith. I know God will give you the means to set aside $50 a month to guard against whatever difficulties may come your way in the future.