Subtler Misbehavior Quite As Damaging As Gross Misbehavior

From page 81 in AA’s 12&12;

“Such gross misbehavior is not by any means a full catalogue of the harms we do. Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others.”

Through the years I’ve watched my share of alcoholics who’ve, unfortunately, allowed themselves to return to selfishness and self-centeredness. In quite a few instances these folks have shared in meetings in a manner that allows those listening to catch a glimpse of something being “off the beam.” An oldtimer noticed it in me once and said something to me about it. He told me that the majority of my sentences began with the word “I.” I was wrapped up in me!

“What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others — the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable – - could be extended almost indefinitely.”

That is the manner in which these other folks also shared. Most of them accepted the thoughts of those who were there to help them through those moments, those who understood. Sadly, not all of them were open to receiving this help. Perhaps it was the way it was presented, I don’t know. That doesn’t matter.

I’ve learned through these years that I want to at least attempt to couch my thoughts, comments and suggestions in a manner that is the most receptive or motivates action within our Twelve Steps. I know without doubt that I’ll never be perfect at any of this but I still try. I try because a life is always worth saving if indeed that life is in jeopardy. I don’t know if it is in jeopardy unless I ask. So… I ask. And for the love of God I have no idea how this was misunderstood, but it was;

[Name deleted] – Are you really okay? I ask because there is something I noticed in this post today…

You began 9 of 13 sentences with “I.”

Wassup???

The misunderstanding wasn’t the problem. There was a personal “reaction” and that wasn’t the problem. There was a subsequent apology that was accepted gratefully. That certainly isn’t the problem. I want to walk away from this – yet I can’t yet. Why? Because there is a problem, for me.

I did what I did strictly out of concern for another person. There was no “agenda.” There was no bad motive. I had no ill intentions. Yet I’ve now been character assassinated, diminished and repeatedly criticized – wrongly! Those who’ve done this couldn’t have read this comment/question because if they had they’d no doubt have understood the reason behind it. They are just spouting off for the sake of spewing negativity on someone they don’t know to defend someone they think they do know.

And it hurts still. And I am allowing myself to react to this hurt with anger.

The paragraph I’ve quoted above ends with this;

“When we take such personality traits as these into shop, office, and the society of our fellows, they can do damage almost as extensive as that we have caused at home.”

The Internet can be understood as “the society of our fellows” imho. So your negative, name-calling, smart-assed comments have caused me harm. They hurt me when I was trying my best to find out whether someone needed help. You “holier-than-thous” ought to get the heck over your da** selves!