Survey Says
June 23, 2009 by Jeff Stimpson
Filed under Health
An informal survey conducted this morning in our dining room revealed that nine out of 10 arguments between me and Jill begin over autism.
Alex had been squatting on the floor last evening, flipping through a big hardcover about knitting. Fine, except he hadn’t picked up when asked (with him it generally takes about three requests, which to be fair is probably about what you’d have to fire at most kids), and I had tripped over this hardcover one too many times. So I tried to cram it back onto the bookshelf just as Jill grabbed her keys and we got ready to head out. Except there was another book jammed on top of the other books on the shelf, and I had to take it out to get the big knitting hardcover to fit.
Image: paloaltosoftware, flickr.com
“Jeff, what are you doing?”
“Trying to put this book back!”
“Stop snapping at me viciously!”
How would you like me to snap at you?
Snap we do, and often the root not that Jill and I don’t like each other at that moment, but that we’ve somehow crashed over something Alex did because he’s autistic. Books on the floor, something in the trash, some favor undone or something put somewhere it would be only be put if you didn’t care what your spouse thought or you were trying to put out other fires at the time.
“I did it/didn’t do it,” I told Jill once, “not because I don’t care what you think, but because my autistic son was doing something at the time that I had to pay attention to.” What she and I fight, without break, is the inclination to snap at the person who will give us some response: me or Jill, and not Alex. Alex who will react eventually, but not as fast as the spouse will.
Jill and I had a row like that the other night. I did/didn’t do something, and she snapped, thinking I just didn’t care. “Don’t yell at me for something Alex was responsible for,” I said. “We can’t make it if you do that.”
It’s three days later now. For the life of me, I can’t remember now exactly what the problem was.
***
The Autistic Family Life Cycle: Family Stress and Divorce, from a past ASA conference.
Autistic Children and the Strain on the Marriage.
This sounds very familiar!
A family counselor asked my husband and me, “Do you realize what the divorce statistics are for the parents of autistic kids?!” I think she was congratulating us on still being married… it was hard to know how to respond. But we really do deserve congratulations, despite all the vicious snapping. It ain’t an easy road.