Talk, Talk, Talk
November 10, 2008 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
This morning, as I was getting into the mom-van to drive Sarah to school, I noticed that she wasn’t her usual sparky-Sarah self. I asked if she was okay, if there was something that she needed from me that she was not getting? She tried to play it off, just shook her head, ran back for her scooter, wouldn’t look me in the eye. Finally, she said, “Welllll….. actually yes. Can I have some attention?”
It occurred to me that if my daughters are not comfortable asking me for what they need, then that might become a behavioral pattern. If it becomes a part of who they are, then when they are involved in a romantic relationship, they may be unable to communicate effectively with their partner. Teaching them to communicate well, that’s a part of parenting that I need to work on because it’s important, but it does get pushed to the side in the busyness of day-to-day activity.
I love my boyfriend, but I am not communicating well with him right now. He’s been staying with us for a week now and tomorrow he’s heading back up to Oregon. I haven’t seen a lot of him – he’s been working on a project with his dad in the next town. He comes home for dinner and for sleeping. We went on a date Saturday night and he did smile at me a lot, but he didn’t say very much.
Last night he mentioned returning to school, which I think is a great idea. I’ve been wondering what his plans are, but I’ve not felt comfortable asking what he is going to do next. Maybe I’ll just wait it out and see. When he feels like he has something to say, he will do so. In the meantime, I am quiet and beginning to stew inside because I wonder why everything with him has to be on HIS terms. I do not want this for my girls. I do not want them to feel unbalanced and resentful because they love someone who does not value sharing.
Sometimes I wish he was the same guy I loved when we were teenagers, because I could talk to that kid about anything. Of course, I am not as uncomplicated as I was back then either and I’m sure I frusturate him, as well. Hhmm, a little conversation might fix that right up……………. grr right back to square one again.
I want the girls to feel on equal footing with their partners. I want them to feel like they can say anything without fear. I wish that my boyfriend would find a way to open up again. He was able to do it before, in the first 6 months of our relationship. For much of the past year, he’s been having financial troubles (like everybody else). I know this. I try to back off, to be patient. I know that much of this could be temporary, but what if it’s not? What if the good stuff in the beginning was just wooing and not who he really is?
If things do not work out between the two of us, I would like to think that he will eventually be able to fit well with someone else. I feel that I’ve learned a lot in this relationship, but sometimes I feel that he’s still holding onto past behavior that could sabotage his romantic future. If something does not work, you’ve got to figure out what the problem is and then fix it. It’s not always the easy thing to do, not what we look forward to, but it’s a necessary part of human interaction.
Tonight I’m going to let him know that he can talk to me about anything. That if he has ideas, I’m a pretty good sounding board. He’s at a point where anything could happen in his life. Maybe he’s afraid to talk about the possibilities? He may have no idea that I am feeling frustrated, because I’m keeping that to myself. I need to work on better communication, as well.
How are your communication skills? Are you comfortable talking to your partner or do you tend to hold back? Any good communication advice you’d like to share?
My communications skills vary. Sometimes I am amazing, I can keep any conversation going, I can entertain a crowd and my kids and I can laugh for hours.
However, there are times, when that is not the case.
I have my walls, my times of being in a funk, my days when i want to be alone, and read my magazines, watch football and not talk to anyone.
It usually take my best friends or kids to step up and say.. “Hey… what’s up? Do you want to talk?”
I think your idea that you are going to talk to him is a good one. It’s the first step.. and the only one you have right now.
), though I hate the idea that we might not be that way one day… Ick.. I hate thinking of that.
My guy and I are still in the honeymoon stage, we talk for 2-4 hours a night (last night was 2am… LONG morning
At least I know that I will be working hard on that, I don’t want to fall into the rut!
If you could talk to any of my friends and family, the one thing they will tell you is that I hold no bars, pull no punches.
I’ve had friends who aren’t used to this in others come to me and ask me, “Are you upset with me over something?”
My response is simply, “Since when have you known me to be upset about anything and not open up my trap about it?”
I think it might come from being outgoing and somewhat boisterous. I’ve never been the meek and quiet type – much to the chagrin of some who’ve crossed my path before.
But I think that it’s important to be honest, and if you’re not communicating, you’re not being honest. Saying nothing doesn’t mean there’s nothing to say, you know?
You did approach him before, and you did explain your needs. If you feel the need to do it again, that means either he didn’t hear you or he doesn’t care enough… there’s only so much room for second chances, Michelle.
I played therapist to some friends of mine once, where it truly was a communication issue for them. She was always saying, “We need to talk…” and he was always tuning her out when she did that. Thereby her needs weren’t being met, and neither were his, because she was so busy talk talk talking that she never listened to him or his needs. Once the two of them realized this (by way of my smacking their heads together about it) things improved in their relationship 100%. It brought them from the verge of breaking up to getting married 6 months later, and being really happy.
I think a good way to open up the line of communication is to ask him not “Is there anything I can do to help?” but rather “What can I do to help?”
If you get “Nothing” as a response, then maybe he doesn’t want your help, and in that case, what good is being in a relationship? Isn’t that what loving someone is all about?
Lara, he does like to figure out things on his own – he tells me that. I do that, too. This morning I heard myself explaining why it doesn’t matter if my ex-husband’s family does not contact us, that I give my kids everything that they need. So, I am very much like that in most ways. I know that I can count on ME. Maybe he is feeling the same way.
I think my fear of an argument gets in the way. If I say I’m fine, when really I’m not fine, then I am not helping anything at all. Also, I have to stop thinking so much in the short term. If I want this relationship to continue for the rest of my life, then I need to realize that right now is only right now and as long as we have an idea of where we want things to go, then we will be okay.
Alright, I just totally talked myself through that. Did you see that? Thanks for your advice.
Suzanne B, that honeymoon phase sure is wonderful, isn’t it. I hope it continues, for you both, for a long time.
It sounds like you are very good with the coping skills. When you know that you need space, you retreat a step rather than act out. Very smart.
I am the type of person who never says anything. I have always kept my thoughts to myself, or on occasion refrained from telling the truth, if I thought (1) the truth would hurt someone’s feelings or (2) the truth would cause some sort of conflict. This has never been that big of a deal UNTIL I found myself trying to have a romantic relationship, and then it turned out to be a disaster. So should I ever have another romantic relationship, it’s something I’m going to have to work on a lot.
I hope you and S. have a really great conversation tonight.
Thanks, Heather. You will have another chance. You are the total package.
I used to say whatever was on my mind, didn’t really hold back at all, but I’ve learned over the years that just because I have an opinion, well that does not mean that I have to share it.
I’ve been thinking about Steve a lot today and I think that he’s trying his best. I need to slow down and just let things be. Life is not a sprint.