Talking about the hard stuff
I have said before that one of the greatest gifts from my parents was their planning ahead for health care and financial decisions that must be faced as they get older.
I feel like I say it over and over, and, I realize there’s literature everywhere about how hard it is to talk about these things, but, as I have learned, it’s invaluable not only to have Advance Directives in place, but, to actually talk about the specifics of your or your parents’ wishes.
It really is hard to talk about, I know. I had to ask my mother directly the details of what she wanted if she were to stop breathing when there was a real possibility that could have occured during that conversation. I’m pretty sure she didn’t really want to have that conversation, either. As a child, it’s hard to deliberately bring up topics that clearly make you parents uncomfortable, but, you need to get as much information as you can.
If you have parents who’ve made these decisions already, be sure to thank them, and, make sure you are ready to listen. I know there are also times where the older person tries to communicate their wishes and their families simply aren’t ready to hear about it, or, face it.
Paula Span writes a loving tribute to her father: Care in Old Age, Confronting the Inevitable, related to these matters, in the New York Times, you might enjoy reading.
If you aren’t this fortunate, try to take advantage of the resources that are out there to make the topic easier to discuss, and, remember that it’s never too early to begin the discussion.
Elizabeth, I’m jumping up and down, pointing to your blog, hoping others take it to heart. I’ve written about this on my website as well. There’s a document called 5 wishes that is available and walks people through some tough health care decisions. It’s so hard to come up with all of the potential situations you would have to make a decision for someone else, this workbook does a great job of walking you through it. I made my husband fill one out with me!
http://www.twincityseller.com/5_Wishes/page_1679272.html
I don’t know if you remember this or not, but both of my grandmothers died on the same day last year. One grandmother had all arrangements in place, paid for, etc. The other did not. (I believe they both had all the medical directives on their charts, DNR, etc, though – which was helpful.) But for my parents, it was such a night and day experience for them as far as making final preparation decisions. There wasn’t anything particularly hard about getting the final preparations in order my one grandmother, it’s just that it would have saved some grief and expense had we worked on it more before she died. But that’s a really hard thing to do to!
So, as a “gift” to my sister and I, after having gone through all this, my parents have everything in order now. And paid for. All medical directives are stated, all wishes for funeral/memorial service/burial are stated. It’s quite a relief for me. I hope to be able to do the same for my kids one day.