Technology and Emotional Maturity

I look like a pretty nice, normal person don’t I? With that Mac I look competent. Some people have even confused me as someone who is technologically savvy because I have a website, a Mac and a camera.

When learning new technological skills – a new computer program or application or trying to navigate a new website or plug-in, then why do I get so irrationally frustrated?

My head starts to feel pressure, my neck gets stiff and tense, my arms and hands feel pulled like rubber-bands, my blood pressure goes up, I stop breathing and begin holding my breath.

For the first few minutes I try this and that – oh, I can figure this out, I think.

I look at the help and know it will be no help to me because the same Geeks who invented the program also wrote the help file – HIRE an ungeek to write the help files! I want to scream in your face.

By now I’m just angry and beyond frustrated. I feel like smoke may come out my eye sockets. There’s pressure between my temples and I have to remind myself to breath. I’m grinding my teeth and my jaw hurts a little. I feel like my chest is stretched taunt like a rubber band that might break. It’s quite similar to the feeling I had all the time when quitting smoking.

It’s me or you all this angry must be directed at. I choose you – I don’t care if its fair. Out of pure self-preservation and the awareness that I have to hang out with me for the rest of the day – I choose nameless, faceless Geeks as the subject of my fury. I fantasize about kicking geek ass. Yeah, I want to smash your face in for making this program too difficult for me to understand or making too many hoops for me to jump through – yeah, I’m talking to YOU – guy who thought adding a symbol, a number, and a capitol letter to passwords would be a good idea. I HATE THAT IDEA! I have no capacity for remembering it. At least write “password has a symbol, a capitol, and a number” next to the password blank when I return. Is that too much to ask?

I start cursing in my head. stupid bleeping, bleeping thing, what’s wrong with those bleeping, bleep bleep geek-bleep, bleep, bleep bleep, BLEEP!

Who I am? What have I become over downloading a photo into the proper file or blacking out a word?

Worse than anything is when I feel like I DO know how to do something – or at least I DID know how to do something but, for some reason some geek thought they should “update” a program. You know I’m actually looking for an out-dated version of Photoshop because I won’t have to relearn the whole freaking program – which I’ve already done quite enough times already. You impress other geeks, but it not me. I want it to be the way it was when I knew how to use it. I don’t want to keep relearning the same thing over and over again. I applaud your ingenious ingenuity and inventiveness Geeks, but only AFTER I know how to use it. Until then you are my evil nemesis!

So I salute you for ruling the world Geeks. But, I have these self-imposed deadlines for myself and I missed mine today because I couldn’t figure out how to black out a name. It’s such a simple thing – but I wasted too much precious time trying to figure it out. I had to call my husband and email the file to him and ask him to send it back.

I LOATH asking for his help. I take the smirk and the roll of the eyes that says, “geez, it’s not that hard” personally.

I know this about myself and still, every time I am a little surprised by my own reaction, a little shocked at how furious and frustrated I am over what should be something simple.

It’s like when the really fit woman at my gym complains when we do something new – she likes to be good at things, she doesn’t like learning them and feeling incompetent.

Same here. I like technology – after I learn it and when it makes me feel smart and accomplished – but not when it makes me feel like a simple failure.

Please tell me I’m not the only one experiencing this technological frustration.

A smart and emotionally mature person, and I like to think of myself as a smart and emotionally mature person, walks away until she calms down and can have more patience with her inadequacies.

Off to have some liver-cleansing hot tea and a biscotti. I may have to do some yoga before I try again.