The Celibate Marriage: Living without Sex
December 11, 2008 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
There is a great discussion at About.com Marriage on celibacy in marriage. I was amazed to read many comments where the commenter seemingly quite happy about their sexless or low sex arrangement. I wanted to see how other people felt about it so I went to my favorite go to marriage site, The Marriage Bed, and read this discussion which seemed to me more in line with reality.
Now, I have heard people say that the reason there is so much similarity in people’s responses on the Marriage Bed is that everyone there is the high drive spouse and so thinks that same way. This isn’t true, there are many low drive spouses there, although certainly not as many as high drive.
The definition of a sexless marriage is one in which sex occurs less than 10 times per year, according to wikipedia. By that definition approximately 20 percent of marriages are celibate. Doing the math that is approximately .81 times a month..or once every 5 weeks. The average couple (whoever they are) has sex 2-3 times a week, but normal sexual frequency is defined as the amount of sex it takes to keep both spouses content. That could mean that the high drive spouse settles for a little less and the low drive spouse offers alternatives when they are not “in the mood”.
The reasons for lack of sex in marriages were the following:
- Marriages of convenience; tax benefits, acquiring residency, etc.
- Busy-ness
- Adultery (the adulterous partner losing interest in the other partner.)
- Involvement in porn, for the same reason as above
- Sexual aversion due to past trauma, or loss of desire toward your spouse
- Erectile Dysfunction or vaginismus (where the vaginal muscles spasm and make intercourse painful)
- Mutually agreed upon (are they CRAZY?)
- Illness
- Power and control
- Various combinations of the above
I will add, based on conversations that I have had with other people:
- that boredom can result in a lowered sex drive as well.
- Feeling pressured to have sex is a catch 22.
It is interesting to me, but not surprising, that men and women handle sexless marriage in different ways. Apparently men throw themselves into physical activity, work, or hobbies while women become introverted, lacking in self confidence, depressed and suicidal. Men may be more likely to get involved with alternatives (porn, excessive masturbation) while women report feeling “dirty”, “slutty”, or “ugly”. Personally I think this is because society tends to see a man begging for sex as being normal or at least acceptable; a woman who has to beg for sex is either a nymphomaniac or incredibly unattractive…when neither is true.
My guess is that because sex may be more physically related for men they can find relief/solace in physcial activity whereas it may be more emotional/relational for women which doesn’t allow for much variation. In both cases sexless marriages often result in affairs and divorce.
Well duh!
So, if you are in a low sex/sexless marriage, for whatever reason, how do you cope? Lets be proactive here, o.k.? Keep the comments helpful. What has helped you stay faithful and stay emotionally healthy if you are dealing with a sexless or low sex marriage?
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Maxx, you are a good role model for me. I too have a brother/sister role going, switches to mother/son when he’s sick (heart disease) which isn’t much fun, but necessary. You made me appreciate the friendship & companionship I do have, as I struggle with the rest. We have always had an imbalance of power (me top dog), which mirrors his past, & I’m sure has made these years harder for both of us.
Good luck, and keep writing here.
Maxx that must have been difficult.
Kay, this is awesome. I really had hoped that Marriage actually would be a forum for encouragement as well as advice and information.
My husband had cancer in 1981 and was given 6 months to live. He is still alive. In 2005 he had heart surgery and was not expected to make it through the first 24 hours. He made it. There must be a reason why he is still alive. I always ask myself, “What if the situation was reversed and I was the one with the health and sex problems. Would I need him to stay with me and take care of me?” I have to answer, “Yes!” Could I live with myself if I walked out on him. “No.” I took “for better or for worse” seriously. I had the very short-lived affair to find out if the problem was with me or my husband. It wasn’t me and I regret the affair. Other than that, I have remained faithful because it is important to me. Sometimes I kid myself and say I’m going to join a convent when my husband dies because I am already living like a nun! There is so much more to being a real woman than orgasms. They are nice but not essential for life – if they are not available with my chosen life partner I will do without. Not everybody thinks like I do and I understand. This just works for me.
Maxx,
I think the main thing you have done is taken control of your situation. You have chosen to stay, you have chosen to remain faithful, you have chosen….
It is hard to come to that point where we shift from being the victim of our circumstances to being the victor over them. It sounds like you have reached that.
Married almost 2 years. Started strong from the beginning of the relationship, but quickly waned as time went on. My wife said that she had self-esteem issues. As time went on, I tried to help her feel better about herself. She seemed to be getting better, which caused her drive to diminish. She is the victim of abuse as a child. I just got back recently (I am in the military) and after a few times she told me she realized that she needed to be in total control of when and how we did it. I want to be supportive, but one night shortly after that, we were lying in bed and I felt the urge. Instead of trying to do anything to her (which would have gone against her control issue) I started to masturbate. She became extremely angry and informed me that she was frustrated at how “it’s always about the dick”. She told me that not only was sex now infuriating to her, but any sexual act by men, was aggravating her. To appease her I have been celibate. It has been several weeks now and she is asking about our plans for valentine’s day and I, especially after reading about these experiences am feeling unsure if I want to spend a valentine’s day with her. I love her, but the fact that without even wondering how it would affect me decided to murder our sex life (as well as other issues related to selfishness), and my attempting to numb my sex drive is making me start to hate her. The fact that I can’t even masturbate because it bothers her bothers me. Please help me, I welcome any advice anyone has.
take a look at I live in a sexless marriage on the experience project website. if you do not have kids then run for your life. i have been in my situation for 28 years. you do not want to be me in 26 years.
Maxx,
Thanks for that information; you are a remarkably strong & wise woman. I’ve been in a similar “he’s going to die any day” situation since 1988, though he’s stable right now. What makes it harder is that we never had a good sex life – he wanted me to take the active role, which I’m just not cut out to do, though I tried – & he’s had multiple non-health related job problems & other personal issues throughout our marriage. I think I would have left long ago, but we had a wonderful daughter & he was a very good father. Now that she’s grown & gone, I’m left with….I’m not sure what.
C- I am going to be very down to earth here, ‘k? If someone does not want to have sex, and they don;t want you to masturbate then they are not selfish…they have serious issues. It is important that you sit down with her and communicate the depth of your need; how often, where she might be willing to compromise etc. If she continues then I suggest you get a sleeve from one of the online “toy” shops. I think there are some listed in the side bar. Human beings were not meant to live without sex. If you wanted sex once a day and she was willing to meet you halfway at 3 times a week, then I would say that you are being self centered. But the fact that you tried to not take care of your own needs because it bothered her shows compassion and willingness to sacrifice.
My best suggestion is to do what you need to do to maintain your health and emotional well being sexually. Try to get her to go to counseling if possible. If you have a chaplain that you can talk to then that would be a good idea.
Know that you are not alone. As you can see there are men and women in the same place, with the same frustrations.
Mainly I want to caution you to watch resentment and anger towards what she is “forcing” you to do. Those emotions will lead to stress, health problems, emotional problems, and spiritual problems. Like Maxx you need to stop being a victim and make choices. ANd then take responsibility for the choices you make.
Keep reading, and keep talking.
Kay- I think alot of empty nesters find themselves in that situation. :/
The knowledge of what an ‘empty-nester’ would be like can sometimes be gained without actually being an empty-nester.
It can be a painful revelation to know that you and yours have little in common and don’t particularly enjoy spending your free time with each other.
Instead of thinking ‘I’m stuck with this insufferable bore’; rather, take the time the time to find out who your partner really is and you might discover that they’ve some interesting qualities that you either forgot or didn’t see before.
We accommodate and alter our outlook and attitudes when we are around someone we think splendid and special…if we ourselves were all that marvelous to begin with, maybe our partners would begin to react in kind.
I haven’t done that yet…but I’m going to start taking my own advice.
Let you know how it turns out.
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“The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our Stars…but in ourselves”
True, David, but in the case of someone who is trying to figure out how to function because their spouse is allergic to sex…well…I think it is difficult to respond to the person as if they were marvelous.
I’ve been married for 23 year and my wife stopped wanting sex 5 years ago. The loss of the physical sex was hard enough, but the loss of the overall intimacy has me depressed, and at times even suicidal. We get along “OK”, and there is some cuddling type of intimacy, but it’s not enough and I’m terribly lonely, angry and resentful. It’s pushed me away from her and its causing me to feel less close to her as a person and a partner. She has shut off any and all discussions about it and gets extremely angry if I bring it up. According to her, a 50 year old man that still needs sex should seek counseling for a sexual addiction. She feels that that sex is only a “guy” thing and has now decided that it’s God’s curse on women; a necessary penence if one wants children. One of the hardest things about this is her insensitivity towards me and that’s the part making the temptation to have an affair hard to resist. I’m not sure how else I can continue to cope. Divorce is absolutely not an option, at least not for 10 more years.
Thanks for letting me vent a little.
I feel for you – I know where you are, I am in the same place, and I am a woman and 41. I have got small children but have come to think that divorce is an option as to continue like this will make me physically unwell as well. And to upset my children will break my heart even further
Lost-
vent any time. It seems like a catch 22, those of us in this situation, that the more we push the worse it gets, yet if we don’t do something we will explode.
sigh.
Thanks Maxx. That is a good perspective. I think it will help me alot.
My husband has had a steadily declining sex drive (with me anyway) for the last two years. We haven’t had sex in over six weeks on this last run, with no end of the ‘dry spell’ in sight.
He has always had a high sex drive, but since the birth of my daughter I became a ‘once, or twice a week’ kind of girl,(vs. almost every day) which was a bit of a shock for him.
I have suspected he is having an affair with a co-worker for most of those two years of bedroom-time-decline (although he denies it), but I have no solid proof.
He is attentive emotionally to me (except in the bedroom department), and supportive in general, and we are very good friends. I am learning to accept that as enough. (Although some days it is harder than others.)
I focus on my work (artist) and my daughter, walk, ride my horses, and in the summer spend a lot of time with my ‘riding buddies’. I’m not against masturbation (please forgive my frankness), and I can handle my own once a week ‘needs’ very well, thank-you-very-much. (LOL)
Some days I feel sorry for myself and dwell on the fact that I’m a little young (32) for celibacy; but having an affair to ‘get what I’m missing’ just isn’t in me. Besides two wrongs don’t make a right, and I feel it would just up the complication ante by way too much.
I know that a lot of people will look down on me for this but; long story short, I stay–for my own reasons–but I CHOOSE to stay. It will help me to remember that, and to remember that my reasons are good ones. I feel I’m doing the right thing, even though sometimes it is the hard thing. It is certainly not the current socially acceptable thing, but it is the right choice for me and my daughter.
Lil- I don’t know that it isn’t the socially acceptable thing. It seems to me that there are an awful lot of people doing hte same thing. Be sure to read the interviews with Todd Sellick on this site. You should be able ot do a search…
A followup on my venting on Jan 31st. This month, through a purely chance encounter, I met a woman who is in a similar place as me. We hit it off and have started a sexual relationship. It’s made a huge difference in my outlook; I had forgotten the pleasure of mutual intimacy. Of course we both know it can’t be a long term or too-often type of relationship, but it’s taken my mind off the resentment toward my wife’s attitude and insensitivity towards me. On the other hand I look at some of my friends, who I look up to for their integrity, and wonder what they would do in the same situation.
Lost, I wonder, and you are the only one that can answer this, if compromising your values and ethics is going to have a more negative effect long term than celibacy..which is also no picnic?
I so understand that loss of intimacy..it isn’t just about the sex but a deeper connection that happend during sex. Just like eating is fun because the food tastes good but necessary because your body requires the nutrition…Yet, if I had to choose between cannibalism and starvation, for example, I am pretty sure I could handle the starvation better.
Think this through carefully. Make sure that you can live with the ramifications.
Praying for you.
It was interesting to learn that a CT woman had the companionship of a chimp. The news report said her husband had passed away. I had a cat who got me through the tough times. My little cat and I were inseparable. He went to work with me and slept in my arms. He was warm and fuzzy and purred and I felt loved even when I felt my husband didn’t love me. My husband and I had no sex and we had no intimacy of any kind. I never knew how far it would go when he got physical and would get all excited only to find it stopped and he would go to sleep. I was starved for affection and closeness and touching. He just avoided me at all costs for years. Thank heaven for my little cat. I miss him.
Maxx- we are created to need fellowship, acceptance, love, and affection as well as more obvious needs like food and shelter. Sometimes it is necessary to have those needs met by pets, which is one of the reasons animals are such a mainstay in our environments I think
you always take your chances when you depend on another for your own sexual happiness. You should be more independent and know what you have to share is very special and if someone else doesn’t want it then it is their problem not yours. Know that there are many others who will want it. I’m in a 20 year sexless marriage and this is the philosophy I have used to survive it.
One of the things that made me crazy through the years was the fact that everybody loved my husband. He was very respected in the community and people were always asking me about him and telling me how much they admired him. We moved a lot because I felt discounted. I kept “the secret” so nobody ever knew what a sham our marriage was (at least in my eyes.) We were in business together and he was incredibly popular. I did most of the work behind the scenes and he got all the credit. Truthfully, I did start to drink in the first year of our marriage. We both did. I would get him drunk enough to get him to cooperate and drunk enough not to care. I think that is what happened when he was molested by his teacher at age 10.
Drinking became enough of a problem for me to stop and turn to medications prescribed by doctors. I got off the drugs in 1984 and turned back to booze in 1985. I finally got sober in 1994. My husband stood by me and was willing to help me with my problem. At least that is what he told my therapist. I was still keeping the secret. He was heroic in the eyes of the doctors.
I could not admit that my husband did not want me. I was an unwanted child and was starved for love. My violent acoholic mother used to tell me she hated me from the day she knew she was pregnant. She tried to kill me more than once. My dad couldn’t be bothered with me. I was just a problem that had to be dealth with. I met my husband while I was still in high school. It seemed a perfect match because we agreed completely about everything!!! We wanted the exact same things in life. At least that is what he told me until the day we got married. I was 18 years old and was faced with rejection from my new husband and there was no where to go to. I decided to stay. I was too stunned to do anything else. I made my “single” bed and now I could just lay in it all alone. There were no babies either. So I ate. My highest weight was 278. I am 5 foot 4. The fat was to protect me from myself. No man would want me and I would not be tempted. I had a lot of male friends who looked upon me as a mother or a sister or someone who would lend them money – never as an object of desire. I threw myself into work. I often had three jobs and worked 7 days a week. The more I worked, the more he didn’t have to. I went to therapy regularly and my therapists told me they had never met anyone as invested in “getting well” as I was. I still kept the secret because I didn’t want to hurt his precious ego. After all, that was about all he had. One day I started to tell certain people about the secret and they didn’t want to know and stayed away from me. So we moved again. We are retired.
That is where is stands today. I have invested 45 years of my life in this man and I am still waiting for someone, anyone, to say the magic words, “I think you’re special and I could love you if you would give me a chance.” Other than that, I’m doing okay.
To describe a sexless marriage couple as “high drive” and “low drive” is not really correct in many cases. Often the Refuser’s lack of interest is situational and partner specific. He or she still has a sex drive and would very well be fine in another relationship or they may prefer daily masturbation over partner sex.
I have been married for two years, my husband and I saved ourselfs until marraige. I have always considered myself to have a normal sex drive even though I suffered abuse as a child. After our honeymoon my husband stopped wanting sex alltogether, eventually he confesed he had been abused aswell. He burst into tears and couldn’t speak about it anymore. He didn’t get out of bed all day. I was as understanding as I could be given that since he had never had sex before he couldn’t have known how it would effect him. Two years on we very very raley have sex. He can’t handle penetrating me but he will use a vibrater on me and sometimes let’s me pleasure him in other ways. At first I was so embarassed and blamed myself thinking I was unattractive and that my desire for sex was somehow wrong. I’ve improved my outlook a bit now but I just want to say that dispite this we are so in love. He is very affectionate and loving. In fact besides the sex he is a fantastic partner and I could never imagine not having him by my side. It was hard for both of us but you can get beyond sex you can still have a wonderfull relationship.
I am so very grateful to have found this Blog.
My husband was very offhand about sex when we first met which I found quite exciting in the beginning but once we married, rather than hotting up a bit, it went colder. He says he loves me, fancies me and “thinks about it” but that he ignores it because it is often ‘not at appropriate times’ (!). To complicate matters, we left having a family to chance even though he said he has always wanted children as neither of us wanted any pressure. Of course, I have never become pregnant. It is not spoken about and we have just tried to get on with our lives. Ten years ago I had 3 horrible operations, encouraged by my husband, after a visit to the doctors showed I had endometriosis (blocked tubes) so I know my chances are slim. Since then, I have tried to count my blessings and put it all behind me and my husband says “oh well, we’re alright as we are”.
However, the lack of sex and closeness has got worse and makes me feel ugly, unattractive, unwanted and old before my time. Since the failed operations I felt less of a woman too and wanted reassurance. I try to hide this as best I can and remain outwardly cheerful but it has taken its toll.
A few months ago I had crippling chest pains. I am a slim, fit non-smoker so went to the doctors expecting it to be nothing. After a checkup and an ECG referral, the GP asked me if I had suffered any long-term grief; he also asked if I had any children. I broke down in tears and cried so deeply I felt ill; it all came out. Apparently one of my heart valves is not working properly and the ECGs indicate stess. The GP was very kind and on seeing my distress offered an appointment with a fertility clinic as he said it is not too late for children if we still want them. My husband was encouraging when I told him and I was overjoyed but when we got there we were asked about our sex life and he lied, saying we had sex twice a week. I was shocked and cried when we got back to the car. He says it doesn’t matter and that he was just a bit embarrassed, but now it means that the hospital think we just need to ‘keep trying’. I am 45 this birthday and I weep when I am alone for all that might have been.
To make things worse, I left a wonderful man 15 years ago (after 5 years together) purely because I wanted children and he didn’t (he was lonely and divorced when I met, with two little girls). We both broke our hearts over it but neither of us felt we could compromise and we always promised to be honest with each other. I still see the girls regularly (all grown up now) and their Dad and I still send Christmas cards with my husband’s knowledge. From day one I missed this man but I tried to focus on my new life with my husband. Over the years I admit I find myself still longing for the sort of closeness, trust, love and frequent passionate sex we shared. I wish I could have this with my husband but we never have; he says he could ‘happily live without it’ (sex).
I masturbate and have a sex toy which my husband is aware of and says he isn’t bothered about. If I try to talk to my husband about it all, he says “give it time, I’m just not in the mood”. We have been together for 13 years…..
I feel what u have written here.my husband and I are in a rut a bad one.your situation sounds like mine.my husband never wants me , he is distant and I am so lonely.I crave intemacy and seriously feel fat and ugly.it’s starting to effect me in a big way.
I have been deeply affected by my husband’s rejections and I do feel older before time at times (I am 41). But I know that the problem is not mine. This however does not make the situation any easier
lack of attraction to the partner is also a big reason for sexless marriages
Thanks to everyone who has shared their stories. It makes me feel less creepy to know I’m not the only one. I knew when I got married that my husband-to-be had a low sex drive, but I never expected it to get this bad. We have had sex once in the past 5 years. He says that it’s not me, that he just has no desire at all, but I still feel ugly and unwanted. I have discussed divorce with him 3 times, but he thinks our marriage is perfect (and it pretty much is except for being sexless) and always persuaded me to stay with him. We’ve been married for 13 years and I think I’ve given up on leaving, but I still feel cheated and bitter about it. And I think I’m getting too old to find anyone else and I don’t want to be alone.
Been together for 12 years – My husband seems to not like the female anatomy (to touch ) that is – I think that brought along my celibacy – 1 year now Just like you Kay I always thought it was me – not being wanted and loved Short affair (just to test) after all it was not me
but grown cold during the years and now are completely celibate – Great
we still hug and play and wrestle kiss (on the cheek) and cuddle but that’s
it – Not really interested in starting again – actually never had the urge or feeling for sex thumbs up for everybody that stayed together
People want sex THAT badly? No better then a bunch of animals. If you’re all that horny just go to a bloody orgy then, I am sure that will satisfy you more than enough sexually.
Enjoy sexual addiction.
It has been so reassuring to know that I’m not the only one with this problem! My husband lost interest in sex with me after about a year, was pretty good before that, then became once every 6 weeks or so. He sees it as my problem, says that he just has a lower sex drive than me. I used to get upset about it, sometimes even drank too much to numb the pain. He is just indifferent, he made a few negative comments about my body which he now says meant nothing (basically he likes Kylie Minogue)but obviously I think about what he has said and assume that he thinks I’m ugly and just doesnt fancy me. ok I’m no supermodel, but I’m not hideous either! I have reached a point now where I feel I’m just no longer interested in him sexually, I feel annoyed with myself for being needy and wanting intimacy in the past. He has been interested a couple of times recently, but I can’t even bring myself to kiss him properly, I have a protective barrier around me now and I can’t risk feeling the hurt and pain again. If I give in then it will be back to how it used to be and I don’t want that, but neither do I want to be celibate for the rest of my life. I still love him, we get on well and have a good laugh together. No matter what I do now, I still have this niggling feeling that I must be so ugly and it affects other aspects of my life too. Hmmm I think I’ve rambled on a bit here, but its the first time I’ve talked about this and just writing it down has helped!
Thanks to all who have shared their personal stories. Not sure why I felt compelled to write, but maybe it will provide some insight into why affairs sometimes happen. My wife’s sex drive has never been very high and as the years have passed it has continued to decline. After 20 years, her desire for sex is virtually non-existent. Begging for sex is humiliating and I feel that when she agrees to make love that it is out of charity. I’ve told her how I feel and even asked her to go to counseling, but she refused. I’ve always kept fit and have never had a problem attracting women. Additionally, my job exposes me to women in both professional and social settings. I eventually violated my own values to satisfy my needs. While I feel guilt for being unfaithful, my relationship with my wife is in many ways better because the underlying sexual tension is gone. I wish that I could have found a more honest way to deal with this but, for me, I have found an unfortunate solution.
Me: married 18 years, one child, 17. He moved into the guest room soon after our kid was born. No sex in 10 years, and it was pretty scarce (and frankly awkward and lousy) for 5 years before that.
I used to want to return to a normal marriage, but that train left the station long ago. At this point I see my husband as a good friend, there is no sexual attraction between us at all anymore. I know the truth, that he doesn’t want to have sex with me, and if I did get him to do it it would be just “pity sex.” We love each other, but we’re just roommates. I’m realizing that I need more from life.
I’ve spent a huge portion of the last 15 years feeling sad, ugly, and lonely. I’m not going to put up with it anymore.
I’m considering three options at this point: separation, divorce, or asking for an open marriage.
Never, ever thought I’d be in this situation…
Problem is, he’s happy as can be with the way things are. It’s going to break his heart, which makes me sick to think about.
Like my name says, I’m seriously not a happy camper.
Same here, never, ever thought I’d be in this situation!
The last couple of times we had sex I felt dirty. If he could have done it without touching me he would have done. That was about three years ago. Before that it was always me who initiated sex and I have been rejected more times than not.
I woke up one morning about 7 months ago and realised that even if he suddenly felt overwhelming desire for me I wouldn’t want to have sex with him. I have been too hurt too often.
He knows it’s important to me but the only reason our celibacy bothers him is because my needs make him feel like a failure. Not because it hurts me.
Over the nearly 20 years of our relationship he has undermined and humiliated me and I think I unwittingly or through hurt do the same to him.
He works long hours in a stressful job so I feel pretty mean asking for more from him but I need love more than I need lots of money.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that marriage vows or not I would leave the marriage without a backward glance if it were just me but we have two beautiful children who need their dad. He doesn’t want me to go but that’s mostly because of the kids I think.
I am 42 and feel more attractive now than I ever have – but no super-model! – and I don’t think it’s fair that I should have to be celibate for the rest of my life. Do I sound bitter? I try not to be. Every day that he does not want sex with me says he thinks I am not good enough.
I have agonised endlessly over the past few months and I now think that I will leave at some point not too far off. The thought of still being here in three years makes me feel sick. I don’t love him any more and although he says he loves me I just don’t see it.
Sad sad sad.
Been married 5 years, 2 kids. Sex about once a month or less – sometimes not for months. Neither of us mind – both of us have low drive, but are happy as a couple. We ruminate that maybe there’s something wrong with us. For both of us, we talk about how if we were married to someone who wanted sex more than once a month, we would be divorced by now. Neither of us were ever abused sexually. Wondering if there are other couples out there who feel perfectly fine in a sexless marriage but because you’re not “supposed” to feel fine, wonder if you’re abnormal.
My husband decided a month ago that he wanted to have a celibate marriage. This is on the grounds of being influenced by Buddhism and Elisabeth Haich (I haven’t read her book ‘Initiation’ but my husband has…it is now on my reading list). And he also admits to hating his penis on the grounds of it being so small. (This has been an issue throughout the marriage. I think he has nothing to worry about and I have certainly had no complaints!)
We have been married for nearly 3 years and it has been tough. I moved countries, cultures and languages. (We speak his language at home). I am 37 now (he is 42) and I took my marriage vows very seriously.
My husband has also vented his feelings of extreme jealousy about my previous relationships. He also notes that this is unreasonable of him. (I privately agree – especially when I spent the first year living next to his 10 yr old son and ex-partner (who has repartnered and had another child).
What is so distressing about this celibacy decision is that my husband was very clear when we met that sex was the way he felt most comfortable about expressing his love. He hasn’t said ‘I love you’ for the past year, so that has been some (lukewarm) comfort.
And I don’t want to be celibate. I miss my husband as a lover (and have told him this). He was the most generous and gentle lover I have ever had (and I have told him this too). I don’t want to be celibate at 37.
It has been comforting and incredibly sad to read other comments about the impact of being sexually-rejected by one’s mate. I feel ugly. And I just want to burst into tears at inconvenient moments. (And I frequently do burst into tears…in private).
Thanks to my husband’s long monologues on Buddhism, I am aware that all my feelings are manifestations of ‘ego’. But it is also how I feel. And whilst I respect his attraction to Buddhism, I am incredibly angry that that takes No. 1 place, over his decision to marry me…and have a sexual relationship. I am not Buddhist. I am Christian.
I am almost angry about that too. I don’t want to divorce but neither do I want to live like this. And even if I divorced on paper, it would change nothing about the vows I made. I don’t think I could ever marry again because with my heart and soul I married this man. And I love him. I am happy to even read his books, talk with him about them (fortunately we can also talk about other things). But I’m not happy that they have come into the bedroom.
I really don’t know what the way forward is from here. I don’t think there is one; other than acceptance. I have told my husband my feelings about his decision. And of course, who wants to make love with someone who doesn’t want to make love with you? I don’t.
It all just feels very unreal. If he was a boyfriend, it would be the end of the relationship. But this is my husband. It is just the end of the sexual relationship.
I am really trying to look for some deeper meaning in this. But it’s all so raw that I’m probably not ready to see it…if I can. And this is a long entry but it has been one positive thing I can do. I am not ready to entrust this to friends in my home country and there is no one here I care to share this madness with.
And deep down, I also have suspicions that it is a way for him to exercise ‘control’. Just like not saying ‘I love you’. In moments of clarity I am contemplating divorce – even if it means that I will not remarry or enter into another partnership.