The first funeral after your own loss
OK, why didn’t you guys tell me that the first funeral you go to after a parent dies is harder than your own parents funeral?
Well, maybe it’s not always, I guess everyone doesn’t have to go to a funeral where the arrangements are identical to your own mother’s. But, for whatever reason, I shed more tears at this funeral than at hers. It’s likely because when you are the bereaved family, there is so much to worry about and do, but, when you’ve been through it, and, you watch someone else go through it, you can empathize.
I guess I’ll add this to my list of things to tell people about expecting the unexpected after the funeral is over. One of the other things I tell people is that the first church service (obviously, this only applies if you attend any type of service in the first place) after a funeral of a loved one is hard, I’m glad I was warned about that one.
I think at your own parents service, there’s a bit of numbness and like you said, you’re doing so much, it’s all kind of a blur.
I still have moments in church and they come out of nowhere, where a certain hymn will be sung that will remind me of the dad and it will make me cry, but, it’s not a sad cry. It’s weird…hard to explain, but, for me it’s a weird kinda comfort. Probably because all the years I was growing up and we never missed church and he had such a great singing voice, there’s just certain songs I can almost hear him standing next to me, jumping around from baritone to tenor to bass. I never know when it’s going to hit me either.
Sorry, I could have/should have told you! Just a few weeks after my dad died, I had to attend the funeral of the mother of a close friend, a lady I’d known all my life. And I did the same thing – shed more tears at that service than at my father’s service. Sista Smiff is right, I think. The difference is that there’s so much to do for the funeral of a family member and so many people to see and we’re trying to be the perfect Southern lady and be social and cordial to everyone – even though all we want to do is sit curled up in a corner and cry – that there’s no time to completely give in to our sorrow. Maybe that’s good? Or maybe not. And the first church service – (my dad died suddenly and very young while mowing his father’s yard) he was song leader at our church for years and I played the piano for him. It took every bit of my will power to go back to the piano and play for someone else. So sorry you were taken by surprise at the funeral of your friend.
My dad died in 1999. I haven’t been to a funeral since then. I just cannot make myself go. And, perhaps it’s cold of me, or perhaps it’s just a part of me protecting myself, but, I don’t feel as much sadness at the news of another death, since my dad died. Maybe because I experienced an ultimate loss with his death. I dunno. Maybe someday, I’ll be able to deal with funeral services or the loss of friends better, but for now, I sort of go on auto-pilot and just don’t realy “feel”.
Thanks for the warning. Somehow (and it seems odd to me now that I think about it), I have not been to a funeral since my father’s passing. So, obviously I could not warn you… but greatly appreciate now having this knowledge ahead of time.
However, I did not do all that wonderful a job at “keeping it together” (at least not as good a job as my mother and sister did). So perhaps, I will be a little better prepared.