The Grocery Store Challenge

Tonight I stopped at the grocery store. I actually bought food to take home and store in my refrigerator. This is a big deal. I think the last time I picked up more than one bag of groceries was about a month ago. Yes, I know, putting off grocery shopping for four weeks is weird. I know “normal” people get food, make meals and eat at home. But I don’t consider it a return to eating disordered behavior. My abstinence was actually a conscious attempt to fight unhealthy habits even though it sounds sinister.

This sort of protective mechanism is the sad part of eating disorder recovery. Unlike alcohol or drugs, you can’t live without food. You need to learn moderation. But what does that mean? How do you practice that in the real world, when the nutritionists and therapists and fellow patients are gone, when you are supposed to make healthy eating choices but for some reason your brain cannot process the concept of eating in a healthy way? Avoiding the grocery store isn’t healthy, but neither is walking down the aisles for hours, filling up carts just to leave them in the frozen food section, sometimes ripping open packages in the car and sometimes throwing untouched food away on the way home.

In recovery, every decision becomes a quandary. Do bingers begin restricting? Do anorexics eat without control? Do exercise bulimics become sedentary? A common suggestion for people in recovery is to have a support network that can check your behavior. But after a few months, even a few weeks, bringing a buddy to the grocery store is a bit embarrassing. Friends and family don’t really understand why you double-check your order with them at restaurants. Eventually you stop asking for help, and once again the concept of normalcy creeps starts to broaden and blur.

Personally, I don’t try to be normal, I merely try not to harm myself. Avoiding the grocery store was an expensive habit, it is far cheaper to make a bean and rice burrito than to buy one at Chipotle every day, but for a little while it felt healthier to buy set portions rather than metering my own food. Then tonight I drove by Central Market and instead of feeling anxious or obsessive I felt like getting apples. So I calmly bought some food that was both nutritious and full of flavor, like organic cheese and fresh kiwis, so I could save time and money this week. I was able to fix an evening meal that was neither too small nor too large. And no, it didn’t feel normal. It just felt healthy.