The Guerilla Parenting Mailbox – Blended Family Chaos – My Stepson is a Lazy Pig
As previously introduced here on Guerilla Parenting, our Guerilla Parenting Mailbox is underway and we are beginning to get quite a call for parental issues that readers are wanting us to help them solve.
Feel free to chime in – this parent wants some help in coming up with an answer to a nagging situation.
I am stepmother to a 15 year old male who happens to be a lazy slob. I’ve been married to his father for almost 5 years and for the most part we have a healthy relationship until I open my mouth about his kid.
The kid shows no respect for me whatsoever when I ask him to do something. I wait for the task to be completed. When he wants something he whines to his father or grandparents and usually gets whatever it is he asks for. In my opinion, he is a spoiled brat who even boasts about how his dad and grandparents think he’s so perfect.
When I take away privileges my husband gives them back. Then says, “you need to control your anger”. The kid lies and manipulates his father on a daily basis, and his father always believes him and takes his side even when I give him concrete evidence of the offense.
I am so angry right now that I’m ready to divorce my husband. It has been almost five years of varying degrees of similar activities and it just seems to be growing more out of control and more disturbing to me.
As a couple you should be a force/partnership together and stand firm. I feel I’m being undermined in my own home and that I’d be better off leaving the two of them to the world they’ve conspired to create.
There you have it! The problem to solve. Let’s see just how wise some of our readers are!
This seems to be a common complaint among blended families. I’m sure there are many successful blended families who have overcome similar issues and have lived to tell about it.
Got any advice?
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Military school….
for both of them.
I see a couple of issues. (1) I don’t know how long they dated before getting married, but the child was 10 years old when they got married. At that age it is difficult for a step-parent to come in and be a disciplinarian. The father needs to dish out the punishments in this case. (2) This couple do not see eye-to-eye on discipline (I know that’s like, duh, stating the obvious). They need to sit down and come to a compromise on how they will discipline. And they both need to stick to the compromise they come to. They need to not argue in front of the kid, but she needs to pull her husband aside and say “I thought we agreed he would be grounded from video games if he didn’t do his chores.” Or whatever and make hims go back and stick to the agreement. She needs to let her husband know that this is a deal-breaker. That right now the situation is making her miserable and she is contemplating divorce unless they can compromise and stick to their promises. (3) She obviously has no respect for her stepson and to a 15-year-old boy that’s the be-all end-all. He will not respect her or listen to her or do a single thing she asks until he feels like he’s being respected. It’s hard to show respect to a kid who so clearly disrespects you, but she is the adult and needs to bite the bullet.
I would suggest family counseling for all three. They can make this work, but they all need to be on board. Sometimes a third party will help you get there.
I agree with Christine. I have a 15year old and its not always easy even if it is not a blended family. Blended families just make it that much more difficult. Check out counseling before throwing in the towel.
The first thing she needs to do, before even addressing the lazy slob, is to get both parents on the same page. If you’re not both on the same page, and a united front in whatever you choose to do, nothing will work. However that happens – counseling, discussion, working together – that should be the top priority. He is manipulating his father and until you’re working together instead of against each other it won’t change.
In five years you the wife will be gone, and the husband will choose his son.
The husannd will always choose his own kid over you or anyone else. My husband and I have a daughter together and he has a 10-year-old is more immature than the infant girl. He cries at the drop of a hat to get his way, refuses to eat anything healthy and is completely lazy and a liar. Husband sees none of this and feeds him all the junk food he wants and yells at me if I point anything out or make any negative remarks about his precious son. I hate them both more and more.