The Help Is There
April 29, 2008 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
Nuala Gardner’s son Dale was born in 1988 and diagnosed with autism. In an essay in yesterday’s Guardian entitled The day I could no longer cope with my autistic son, she writes about how she contemplated suicide when her son was three years old but did not:
At the time I felt incredibly guilty about how close I came to taking my own life, but I now know that many full-time carers reach that level of desperation. I was mentally and physically exhausted; I was on the brink. I’ve since been on a suicide intervention course, and through my work I’ve met at least 10 other carers who have nearly lost the battle – nearly given up on getting the help they need. We are all only human, there’s only so much we can bear, but the help is there [my emphasis]. I’m just glad I found it before it was too late.
Dale is now in college and Gardner has written a book, A Friend Like Henry, about the therapy dog that changed Dale’s and his family’s life.
It might seem impossible, but carers, parents, fathers, mothers, need to take care of themselves and to remember to take care of themselves. Gardner is honest about her desperation, mental and physical exhaustion and fears; in her essay, she shows why she could not at first cope and communicate her needs. But the help is there and Gardner was able to find it and hopefully her story will lead more people to help, and hope, too.
I think hanging out with friends and trying to do things in alone time or “date” time is great for your mental health. Of course not everyone has a live-in partner or many friends to rely on. But sometimes we need to come out of our shell and reach out.
The story struck me as not so much about autism in particular but, rather, about the stress and isolation of being a mother of a very young child, with no time for herself. Certainly her description of her son didn’t sound like anything that would have been hard to cope with if she’d had enough time to relax and unwind. (So what if he didn’t want one food to touch another, just give him two plates, that’s what dishwashers are for.)
All parents need a reasonable amount of respite time, no matter what sort of neurology their child may have.
And I find it very offensive that publishers print stories with titles like that. After all, nobody would publish a story with a title like “The day I couldn’t cope with my very social child,” about a mother who became suicidal after taking her daughter to playdates and extracurricular activities all the time. But when the subject is autism, the media see nothing wrong with making our kids out to be monsters who ruin the lives of everyone around them. Argh.
Or just an article with the title “The day I couldn’t cope with my child,” period.
After reading the excerpt, I was surprised to read the other article from the Sun, which emphasizes the therapy dog, Henry—and which starts out with an awful story of another mother of a disabled child.
Spin can be dangerous, and revealing.
abfh said it for me. Parents need support, period. Sure, my autistic son was/is more difficult in many ways than his older brother. But I remember having the same overwhelmed feelings when I forgot to take care of myself with my NT son as well.