The Household Chores Diet.
I have never been on a diet, but I have to imagine that having to manage and keep track of calories has got to be one of life’s more tedious endeavors.
I’m sure there must be thousands of books, articles, magazines, talk-show hosts, videos, experts, Doctors, movie stars, blogs and bloggers dedicated to THE best, most efficient, logical, easy, hard, demented, strenuous and not strenuous ways to lose weight.
It dawned on me that common sense and humor have a lot to do with success or failure too.
In the spirit of making fun of diets (not of people on diets), I have to put together my list of simple, everyday tasks — each with it’s own mathematical caloric equivalent — that are intended to take a more uplifting, if not sarcastic look at calorie-counting: (Talk to your doctor if you think these suggestions are stupid).
- Parmigiano cheese grating — 25 calories
- Phone conversation with mom — 175,000 calories
- Swiffering dog’s hair (every minute, of every day) — 85 calories
- Hanging window treatments — and then calling mom for help — 2 million calories
- Untangling holiday lights — 75 calories
- Looking up hundreds of holiday cookie recipies on the web — 10 calories
- Opening and closing refrigerator hoping there will be a chocolate cake (see definition of insanity) — 30 calories
- Imagining what to buy with your holiday bonus: 5 calories
- Worrying that you won’t get a holiday bonus because your boss hates you: 15 calories
- Negotiating with husband to clean out garage (which includes throwing out corroded golf ball collection) 100 calories.
- Getting rid of every pair of shoes that you thought were cute, but are really ridiculous: 20 points
I promise, if you follow this plan, you will be as svelte as you’ve ever been, and then you can go on Oprah and talk about it. (80 calories.)
