The Mystery of Sexual Chemistry
November 4, 2008 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
Romantic Chemistry can be confusing – the way it works, why it works, and why sometimes it won’t work no matter how hard you try. Dr. Helen Fisher, research professor in the department of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love offers her insight in a series of articles at Chemistry.com, an online dating site.
For example, in the article Romantic Chemistry, Explained, by Dan Bova, she tackles the question of why can a couple feel great sexual intimacy together, but still be unable to connect in other ways? Dr Fisher explains:
“Sexual chemistry does not always equal love, and this is because we’ve evolved distinct brain systems for mating…One system controls the craving for sexual gratification. Another system rules over romantic love, that obsessive thinking and craving and focusing on one individual. They’re not always connected, which is why you can be madly in love with someone and only have so-so sex, while you can have intensely passionate sex with someone you never want to see again!.. You can start having sex with someone and then fall in love…Sometimes one thing can trigger the other.”
Interesting theory, although the idea of casual sex leading to something more is dangerous, in my opinion. I was talking to a few of my girlfriends and this came up. I said that in the case of a woman, feelings can develop very easily, but for men sometimes sex is just sex. It’s not always the case, but from what I’ve seen, it happens more frequently for women than for men. Out of the three of us – one was in agreement with me, one was not.
What do you think? Am I wrong in thinking that women are more likely to develop feelings for a man they are casually, but intimately involved with? Do you agree with Dr. Fisher’s theory about the systems?
Isn’t it biologically proven that women have some sort of bonding hormone that is produced during sex, hence women do feel more attached to a man she sleeps with, even if just casually.
~ Kristi
Oh, I did know that, but it sure makes sense. I am going to look into that further. Thanks, Kristi. You always have something interesting to add.
Yes I do think that men are more likely to just want sex that is not emotional, and is more of a physical release. (Though I do think that women are becoming more like men in this regard.)
I do think that men can be just as romantic as women, however. When they fall in love, they fall just as heavily. They just arrive at that point in a different way, from a different direction.
Matt, thanks for commenting. I love it when men add to the conversation here. I think it helps us – men and women – to understand each other better.
My boyfriend has his romantic moments, those moments when I can tell that he really cares. Just last night, I walked into the living room and saw him for the first time in 2 months and he looked so happy to see me. It gave my heart a happy little jump.
I asked several of my guy friends for their opinions. They all said the same thing–if they keep coming back to a certain girl then they do become emotionally attached and it isn’t just about sex.
I am presently struggling to get over a case of hopeless romantic love, that obsessive thinking and craving and focusing on one individual. This happened to me with a woman friend that I have been doing things with. She has always insisted that our relationship be on the friend level. We have done things like bicycling, hiking and recently some backpacking trips. We have also done some folk dancing together. During this time she usually was dating someone else.. I have also been involved with another women sexually. A while back she broke up with her boyfriend and I started getting some ideas about getting involved with her. But alas she found someone new. This has happened before but this time I was struck by extreme jealousy and grief. I think I fell in love with her on the backpacking trips. Funny thing I have not had the same reaction to the woman that I have been off and on sexual with. It appears that doing things with a woman, solving problems together, overcoming obstacles together is what really connects a guy to a woman. To bad it does not work so well with women.
Stanley, I’m sorry that you are going through a painful time. I actually think that those things do work with women, but sometimes there needs to be just a little more to create that “spark.” I suspect that if you keep spending time with your lady friend, the chances that she will develop more romantic feelings for you are greater.
Focusing too much on her, that does sound not so good for your heart, so I’d continue to see other women romantically, but leave the door open for the possibility of something with friend.
In the meantime, I wrote something a few months back that had to do with healing a broken heart after a break-up. I know that you aren’t talking a break-up here, but it’s very similar. You might take a look at http://www.datingdames.com/how-to-heal-a-broken-heart/ and see if there’s anything there that might help you now.
Does your lady friend know that you are interested in more than friendship? Maybe she has no clue. It’s hard to move beyond the friend zone, I know.
Please let me know how it goes. Good luck!