The Non-Apology

Is it just me, or has the art of the apology been lost? There are genuine apologies, and then there is something my husband and I call the “non-apology.” We both have experienced non-apologies a lot in our life, and are careful not to do it to each other now that we’re adults. The non-apology goes something like this:

“I’m sorry you were hurt, but…”

or

“I’m sorry you misunderstood. It’s just that I….”

or

“I’m sorry I did that. Still….”

You get the idea. Instead of saying that you are genuinely sorry (and leaving it at that!) you add something like “but I was mad” or “still, I think I was right” or “it’s just that I see it differently.”

The reason apologizing is important is because the relationship you have with a spouse or child or coworker or friend is always going to be more important than making a point. And when you go too far and say or do something you wish you didn’t, it’s important to let someone know you genuinely feel bad and will make an effort to never hurt them again. If you can’t make this kind of genuine apology, take some time to reflect so you can see the damage you have done to this person. Put yourself in their place. Then, ask to see them privately and give a heartfelt apology. A real one.

Image: sxc.hu.