The Ongoing Battle of the Minds
January 12, 2009 by gayla
Filed under Diseases & Conditions
As the sun begins to creep in my window – my eyes open and I begin the daily string of promises I make to myself each and every day.
The one promise I try hardest to stick to is to not cave in to my husbands need to create conflict.
Don’t get me wrong, his conflict seeking isn’t something that happens every single day, but my anticipating it is.
Sometimes we can tell early on if it’s going to be one of those days where he is bent on conflict and will do just about anything to pick a fight – but other days it may be well into the afternoon or evening before the signs begin to emerge.
We have learned to avoid those attacks for the most part – however, I do have a few hot buttons he knows to push when he is really seeking a fight. Each and every time, I let him push those buttons and I react.
I have to wonder what other people do to avoid those confrontations and conflicts? You’d think five years of this would be enough for me to have mastered the skill. The only thing I know to do is to play the game of avoidance. I avoid him at all cost – this means watching television in another room – diving into my work in a way the world could disappear and I’d never know it – or I go to bed early with a prayer tomorrow will be a better day.
What is the best way to keep from fighting and engaging in conflict with someone who is purposely seeking confrontation?
Image credit: Stock.xchng
“Each and every time, I let him push those buttons and I react.”
Gayla…I am not trying to be a therapist because that’s just not my forte…although I have been a counselor in the past. I think that we allow people to ‘push our buttons’ because we are use to the ongoing conflict and because we have no other ideas as to what to do. Hence, of course, your question.
As an individual living with and battling the symptoms and horror of bipolar disorder and the agitation, mania, inappropriate responses to emotional situations, anger, irritability and depression that causes me to act out and be incredibly difficult at times…I am grateful to see the ‘other’ side of the battle from your written and shared perspective.
I never want to act like I do…and I certainly always feel terrible after I have acted out. I try not to let it get me TOO DOWN. But, I also MAKE SURE that I discuss my sorrow and make amends to those around me. Its SO HARD to be taken hostage by my disease and to be made to act like the man I know I am not. But, I have to take responsibility for my actions…and I do.
Wow, the pain and suffering and uncomfortable positions I have put people in and continue to at times…its a heart breaker.
I try to stay out of people’s way and try very hard to keep from becoming so agitated that I project my symptomatic actions on to those around me. With my girlfriend/partner in the past, WE worked out a system where she would ask me if I was feeling bad and I would then keep away FROM HER until I could get a grip and use my therapeutic tools learned in therapy and support groups and books to manage my behaviors and emotions. Its hard, but even today, after having a TERRIBLE morning, I was able to take a walk and felt good enough to put myself ‘back into population’, as my girlfriend and I jokingly call it.
Hmmmmm…I don’t even know if I am answering your great inquiry. I guess what I can say is that, through HARD WORK, lots of understanding and therapy with my partner, we are able to communicate better now and she knows when I am having a lousy day and I know when I need to stay away from people until I can handle my symptoms and then WE BOTH do our best to make things good for each other. No one is perfect…I certainly am not. But, COMMUNICATING this when I don’t feel even SLIGHTLY human to those I care about and them understanding has made ALL of our lives so much healthier.
I hope we get some more ideas, Gayla, from other readers. I know I need ALL the help and support I can get.
Take care of yourself…thanks for sharing your hope and strength and struggles.
Jon E
Hi,
I hope this helps, it has really helped in dealing with someone who has been very unwell for a while. Whenever he tries to get in an argument with you, all you have to say is “that is your opinion”. Once you say it enough it will roll off the tongue and it will get easier and easier. I have found I don’t get as angry and I can walk away alot easier. Still upset, but easier.
Good Luck!
Gayla, I don’t know if my step-father had bi-polar or something, but it sounds like you’re living now in the same kind of house I grew up in. We always had to walk on eggshells until we knew what kind of mood he was in, then we either made ourselves scarce or relaxed. We were never fully relaxed, never entirely comfortable in our own home, because we never knew where the attack was coming from next. Not the physical attack, but you called it conflict-seeking here, and if I had known that term as a teenager, I might have called it that, too. We always just said that he was never happy unless he was unhappy.
Jon’s comment above makes me wonder, what does your husband contribute to the family’s well-being in this context? Do you help him find ways to manage his feelings and behavior, as it seems Jon’s partner does, or do you just have to change your own behavior to make the situation livable?
I’m by no means a therapist, either, but I know that when my stepfather finally died, we all felt like we could breathe again. I hope things are different for your family.
@ Jon – I think the biggest difficulty we suffer at this time is that he doesn’t realize when he’s being difficult and conflict seeking. He grew up in a volatile household where the parents fought all the time. Even in the family business, in front of customers, etc. It was a normal way of life. So that aspect makes it all the more difficult to recognize these “negative behaviors” as being abnormal.
I never realized how wonderful my family was when I was growing up. I’m reminded frequently to thank my parents for the home they provided. Even though they divorced, I never endured a daily dose of conflict like my husband did.
@ Kym – I like that – I’ve tried it a couple of times so far, but can’t tell if it’s working. I’ll definately report back though
@ Kat – Reading your response felt like someone punched me in the gut. I found myself not breathing and frozen with fear almost. I’m so afraid my kids will feel angst, regret and remorse for the way they are forced to live if things don’t change soon. I don’t want my kids walking on eggshells and I don’t want their lifestyles to be altered to accommodate the daily mood – but for the last few years, that’s what we’ve been doing.
I keep telling my kids it’s not him, it’s the illness – they have been very understanding and cooperative – but that’s no way for a kid to have to live.
Thanks for commenting.
Gayla,
I read a book recently that I think could help your husband. That is, if he wouldn’t feel insulted or be too prideful to read it, etc.
If he is purposely engaging in conflict as you say, I’m sure he’s either unaware of it or just doesn’t feel he can control it (the thoughts). This book goes into great deal about recognizing those thought patterns and knowing how to filter out negative thoughts that fuel that kind of conflict-hungry behavior. It’s called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Hope this helps.