The Other F-Word
October 1, 2008 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
I enjoy watching reality television and one of my favorites is The Biggest Loser on NBC. The Biggest Loser is basically a game show featuring people who are working on weight loss. This season, they are showcasing families. One trainer has married teams and the other trainer has parent/child (grown children) teams.
If you’ve never watched The Biggest Loser, you might find the idea of a show of a show featuring overweight people called big losers offensive, but it’s really a positive show. It’s exciting to watch these people getting their lives back and this family aspect, it appeals to me both as a mom and as a woman in love.
My boyfriend is a big guy. I think that he’s lovely, I honestly do, he’s warm and sexy and funny, but sometimes I worry about his health. He has sleep apnea and some pretty constant heartburn. I want our future together to be long and full of adventure. To get there, we need to be healthy. I’ve got some weight I’d like to lose, as well. I would like the two of us to work as a team on this, like the people on The Biggest Loser. I think about asking him to watch it, but as it does not deal with sports, politics, or The Big Lebowski, I don’t think he’d give it a try.
In the past we’ve done some hiking and a couple of strolls around downtown. Our first date, second time around, was a hike that he still refers to as the “death march.” He’s a great hiker, strong legs, quick pace. I had a hard time keeping up with him. If we lived closer together, I think it would be easier to get him out on the trail again, but for now…. well, it’s not easy to talk about. I worry that talk about weight will sound like criticism to him, even if I make sure to stress the health aspect. I’m worried that he will feel like I’m calling him fat.
Deep down I know that he’s aware that he needs to make some changes and I also know that being afraid to talk about something this important is a huge cop-out on my part. For now, this is my plan: the next time he’s in town for a visit, I’m going to talk about our plans and how we need to be healthy to get there. He dreams of running fishing expeditions and there’s more to that than just sitting all day in a boat.
How do you handle talking about the tricky stuff with your partner? Do you and your partner work out together? If you are single, how big a role does health play in your choice of who to date?
Touchy subject for many relationships. Maybe a better way to approach it would be to suggest doing things that promote a healthier lifestyle. I know I’d be more inclined to go for a hike or something like that if someone said, “Hey, let’s go for a hike.” But if they said, “Hey fatass, let’s get movin’” (I know that you wouldn’t do that), I’d tell ‘em to f-off…even though I know it would be beneficial.
Who’s idea was the Death March? I’m not hikin’ with y’all! 
Oh, but I call everyone fatass - it’s my idea of a pet name. ;D Just kidding.
It was my idea - I was nervous around him still and said, “Hey, how about a hike?”
I love that ole death march. When you get to the top you can see almost all of Chico. I’ve run up and down it before, so it’s not that bad. My mom did break her leg coming down it once, though. Okay, so it’s hard on the bones, but fun up until that point.
The true test of any relationship is exactly that — how hard/easy is it to talk about the tough stuff. Why? Because thre will ALWAYS be tough stuff. You’re two different people trying to make it together. That is never easy.
Honesty, tact, love, humor and the “I” word are the best ways to approach tough stuff. “I’d love to do more hiking with you, honey. I want us to be healthier so we can be together forever. Can we do that?” Or “I’ve been thinking about the health problems your family and mine have had. I want to start making some healthy lifestyle decisions with you. What do you think?”
All I know is this: if you start having “issues” you can’t talk about with your partner, the couple i doomed. Good luck.
“Honesty, tact, love, humor, and the “I” word….” Great advice, Kat. Thanks!
Tough subject for me. My ex used to call me “fat bitch” at least 40 times a day. He was fatter than me, and eventually we got into situations where we’d be in front of his family, he’d call everyone else fat, and then I’d say something like “Okay, mountain of mashed potatoes head. You look like someone squeezed your belly and bread dough popped out of your neck.”
It’d get a laugh, but it’s not ME. It made me feel worse all together. Blech.
Bottom line for me? I’m overweight. I know it, have known it all my life. Personally I don’t need anyone to tell me. However, I would NEVER take a suggestion for a hike as a “you’re fat, go exercise” statement. I love hikes, and nature, and of course, spending time with someone I care about. So I don’t think it would even come into my mind that they wanted to convey anything other than the fact that they wanted to go hiking… with me.
I do love hiking. I’m worried about his health, to be totally honest. I’m worried that if he doesn’t make some changes, he’s going to have a heart attack, he’s already had some signs of high blood pressure.
Your ex sounds like a horrible person.