The Trip Home: Of Parsley and Porn

I’ve missed you! But Veggie Chic was called across the country quite unexpectedly to deal with some family things. I did manage to have several adventures in veggieness while I was there, and am pleased to bring you this ‘The Trip Home’ Series. Let me stress to you that every word of these adventures is true. Up first: Of Parsley and Porn.

I hardly ever get to see my childhood cohorts and cousins Sandra and Jennifer, so it was a treat to hang out with them while I was there in the dusty little town of Kensington, Georgia. Now, we three had a long history of getting into trouble and today was no exception. Bored, we wandered along a dirt road that held most of the town’s attractions: a two-screen movie theater, a ramshackle K-mart, some bait shops and convenience stores. And there, at the end, was a bright purple shop specializing in…well, adult entertainment.

I clutched Sandra’s arm. “Holy crap! Where did that come from?”

Sandra shrugged. “It’s been there a few years.”

“Gross,” I said.

“Totally gross,” Sandra agreed.

Jennifer chimed in. “Majorly gross.”

“Well, what are we waiting for?” I said. “Let’s go in.”

We stepped hesitantly into the musty, dim store, giggling like a trio of thriteen-year-olds.

“Ewwww,” I whispered. I felt like I had to whisper for some reason, maybe because I didn’t want the mustachioed clerk to see me and offer to show me the specials.

We tiptoed through the aisles, alternately gagging and giggling. I’ll spare you the details, because if you’ve ever been in a porn shop you know what’s there. If not, good for you. You’ll probably get into heaven.

And suddenly, a beacon of light in that store: I saw something so cute, so utterly adorable, I could hardly stand it: a bright, plastic collection of different vegetables, boxed in a yellow carton with cartoon vegetables adorning the flaps. “That is so cute,” I exclaimed, admiring the brightness of the carrot, cucumber, stalk of broccoli, and bok choy (?!)

“Oh my god.” Sandra sounded pained. “Those are vibrators.”

“Uh-uh.” I shook my head. “No way.” I looked to Jennifer for help. “Right, Jenny?”

Jennifer tilted your head thoughtfully. “Rhys is right,” she finally said.

I sighed in relief.

Jennifer continued. “They’re not all vibrators. I’m pretty sure the cucumber is a dil–”

I shrieked and ran out of there. I mean, I like vegetables, but I don’t like like them.