The Walking Dead
September 4, 2008 by angelique
Filed under Women's Health
I was driving down a country road the other day, and I saw a woman I’d seen in the past. She was walking fiercely, speeding along the side, fists pumping, head down beneath a ballcap. Her face was drawn, teeth grimaced in a smile of pain.
I’ve seen exercisers before, but I remembered this one from the previous time because she is extraordinarily thin. I’m talking starvation thin. Her legs were pretty much sinew and bones — no shape save for huge kneecaps.
She looked like the walking dead.
Really, no matter how anorexic I feel at times, when I see a person like she, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come. Now, I never reached her obvious state of self-destruction, thank goodness, but I definitely could have if I’d chosen to continue trodding with ana.
Something else drew me in as I passed her a second time (I had to backtrack during my travels, thus allowing me to gaze upon her twice.) The last time I had seen her was about three years ago, meaning that this woman had managed to survive that long. That’s incredible, really. Can you imagine how strong her body would be if she actually nourished it? If it’s performing diligently under such severe circumstances, it must be capable of great things.
I hope she finds that out before it’s too late.
Hey Angelique,
Great post! Well, not the fact that she’s still struggling with anorexia three years later. But I mean, the question you asked near the end.
It’s really hard for me to tell where I stand on the recovery scale. BUT one day I thought to myself, I wonder how much longer I can play tackle football with my nephew if I actually eat lunch. Instead of looking at my thighs and feeling absolute disgust. I really “looked” at my body without using my eyes — and thought about what I needed to do to take care of my thighs (regardless of how they looked.)
I’m not sure how it happened, but it was the only thing that allowed me to even consider lunch without judgment (or purging) in a while. The only thing is…I’ve only challenged myself to do that once. It was effective but…I think the fear was that — Oh no! What if I start doing that everyday?!?!
It takes a while to get there. But I really do hope this woman finds out that she could do so much more with her body if she treated it kindly. I hope I do too.
What’s terrifying to me is that while yes, her body is demonstrating her pain to the world, how much more is she hurting inside? How broken, how depressed, how alone?
I often wonder how much more I could accomplish if I nourished myself in a healthy manner. This is a thoughtful post, Angelique.
Erin:
It’s a day-to-day struggle, isn’t it? Sometimes, I think to myself, “My god. Why shouldn’t I eat what I want? I run, I work out and I NEED energy to work and play with my son!”
Then the next day, I can feel like a total boob (isn’t that a funny word?) for eating so much as a gummy worm!
e:
I’ve thought about this poor woman’s state of mind for a few years — ever since I first saw her. I often just assumed that she was deceased; when I witnessed her running about three years ago, I couldn’t imagine she would still be alive now. But there she was, struggling through her workout.
I wish she could find help to heal the pain inside. Maybe she will.