The disappearing years
December 30, 2008 by angelique
Filed under Women's Health
(FYI: This is somewhat of a continuation of my last post…)
As I began to get heavier and heavier as a child (mid-to-late elementary school and early junior high), a remarkable thing happened–fewer and fewer pictures of me were taken by family members. In fact, when I say that I was bigger than the average kid, many people don’t believe me… and I have trouble proving it.
Isn’t it telling that I have virtually no photos of me when I was at my largest? It’s as if I had been erased by people around me who were embarrassed of my size… That past, that exile still haunts me today.
Sadly, but predictably, after I began starving myself, the cameras came out. My private papparazzi started snapping shots left and right. “You look great!” “That outfit looks fabulous!” “You look like Molly Ringwald!” (Remember, this was the 1980s!)
And I lapped it up in my desire to finally BE someone and not be treated as if I had disappeared.
I find it very ironic that at my biggest, I was treated as invisible. Then, when I lost too much weight too suddenly, I had a presence.
God, I hated myself. And I hated that I was treated as someone even though I felt terribly lost inside.
Today, I don’t mind getting my picture taken, but I do think, “What if I gained weight? Would anyone want to photograph me?”
I suppose the answer is that it doesn’t matter and I shouldn’t give a fig. But too often, I do.
Would I disappear if I gained weight?
I think this is very interesting in that often people with EDs will talk about wanting to be invisible (hence restricting, not asking for anything or being a “burden” to anyone). But… I think that what you experienced is more often the reality. You get attention for the eating disorder… which really feeds the ED-identity. Because, if you give up the eating disorder, will anyone notice you anymore? I’ve definitely had periods where I felt that I didn’t matter without the eating disorder, because being sick was the only reason to care about me (thankfully I am past this….).
It’s frustrating how things like this really contradict the idea of gaining weight & gaining your life back. If gaining = being invisible, then the recovering from the eating disorder really DOES feel like a loss… some kind of loss of self or self-worth?
Question for you, though… do you think that previously you avoided the cameras at all?
Grey:
Fascinating question. I’ve thought a lot about that, and to be honest (and this hurts to admit), my parents put the camera away (for the most part) when I was “fat”. Therefore, there was nothing to avoid.
Now, I do have a few pics, mainly taken during holidays or those times when you were “supposed” to be photographed. But the camera wasn’t taken out to capture intimate, fun moments. It was allowed to grow dusty.
The thing that’s the most concerning (and that I didn’t mention in the post, though I’m not sure why not), one of my close relatives was a professional photographer during this time. I kid you not.
Your writing is becoming more and more brutally honest. You are really touching a nerve with me and I think perhaps discovering some new things about yourself, as well.
E:
That’s definitely the case–but I hope the nerves I’m touching in you are doing good and not harm!
The nerves you are touching are making me think – and think in a way that motivates me to continue moving forwards. That’s def. a good thing!
I can relate the the thoughts of disappearing. I also think it is attributable to adolescence, growing up and the brain. It’s not easy to reach adulthood and not all do, and some, when it does arrive, have no idea what to do with it, don’t particuarly want it, and sit around waiting for something (what? I don’t know), anything to happen.