They’re Going To Do It Anyway
I have a little pet peeve. A rant if you will. So pardon my temper tantrum, but there is something that has really been rubbing me wrong recently.
You get in to a discussion with somebody about teen sex or teen drinking or teen drug use and inevitably you’ll hear “they’re going to do it anyway, if they really want to.” I’ve never really understood how this little tidbit is supposed to be helpful. What’s your point? Teens are going to do it anyway, so what? Teens are going to have sex anyway so why not give them some alone time to do it? Teens are going to drink anyway so why not buy them alcohol? Teens are going to do drugs anyway so why not find them the best dealer?
I realize that’s not what most people (except teenagers) mean when they say “they’re going to do it anyway.” They don’t usually mean “…so give them free reign.” But it almost comes off that way. It sounds like an excuse. It comes off as “they’re going to do it anyway so why make an effort to stop them.”
I believe our teenagers are worth the effort, even if they then decide to go ahead and do it (whatever that “it” might be) anyway. Even though there are teens out there who will still do “it” anyway, there are also many teens who decide not to do “it.” They decide to say no either because they understand the consequences or they don’t want to disappoint their parents. They make that decision because we’ve educated them. We’ve harped on the issues. We’ve even (dare I say) nagged a little.
But just because there is a chance (maybe even a good chance) my teen may experiment with alcohol when he’s at a party with friends doesn’t mean I should accept it. It doesn’t mean I should let my teen drink with me. And it definitely doesn’t mean there won’t be stiff punishments when I find out he was drinking.
So don’t tell me, “they’re going to do it anyway, if they want to.” Instead tell me, “they might do it even though you’ve preached at them, but don’t stop trying.”
My personal favorite … “its a part of growing up.” Again, it doesn’t mean I should condone or accept it.
I think I have done everything except heroin and meth. That I was foolish doesn’t mean my daughter should be foolish. Learning from the mistakes of others is the best way to learn.
When it comes to my daughter, I’m going to recommend she stays away from alcohol. I’m downright allergic to vodka and alcoholism runs on both sides of the family.
Am I so naive to think she’ll listen to me? Of course not. But, if she starts experimenting just a year later than she did if I didn’t say ‘no’, I think I have done my job. If she doesn’t get completly plotzed the first party she goes to where there is alcohol, I’ve done my job. If she pauses to think if she is in safe company and has a sober ride home, I have done my job.
Temptation is the worst of all the evil one has to face. If I can help her be strong in the face of temptation, I’ve done my job.
The only way to fail at parenting seems to be giving up which is what so many parents seem to do. As long as there is a fight to be had and eyes being rolled, I’m probably doing okay… I hope.
—Isis
I simply hate this. And it makes a pretty big assumption about kids. Not all teenagers have sex. To say that they “will anyway” adds to this ridiculous notion.
Lisa, while not all teenagers have sex, more teenagers (persons under the age of 20) have sex than have driver’s licenses (Google it).
I’m a pragmatist. My daughter will have sex long before I want her to have sex. My mission is to delay, educate and teach safety first, not prevent.
—Isis
I agree. “They are going to do it anyway” may be a true statement, but that doesn’t give any parent license to promote the behavior in their home. Parents who provide alcohol or drugs and / or a place to party to teens are imposing their parenting choices on other parents’ children. Giving my underage child alcohol at your house is not good citizenship.
Isis, Your philosphy is a good one. I am the mother of two teens and a Prevention Specialist for a substance abuse agency. I am fairly new at this work and was a bit daunted by my perception that our purpose is to stop every kid from using. But I was encouraged – both as an employee and as a parent – by the agency’s strategy of DELAYING the onset of use of alcohol, tobacco or other drugs (ATOD). For example, if a youth makes it to 10th grade without using alcohol, they are more likely to wait until they reach legal age to use alcohol. And if they wait until they reach legal age, they are less likely to become addicted to alcohol. While I may have not have the exact numbers, you can understand the concept. The statistics reinforce my statement.
As a parent, we can’t make all the life choices that we would like for our teens. And I still debate if relating my own mistakes is an effective way to discourage poor choices on their part. After all I had to live through my own mistakes to learn life lessons. But my parents’ views on life were still my foundation.
My kids know that I don’t want them to drink until they are of legal age. They have heard my speeches about the effects of drugs and alcohol on their still developing brains. They know that I don’t want to have grandkids until they have had the opportunity to live wonderful lives as a single adults.
All that I can do now is to keep talking so that my views are certain and pray that they make the right choices.