Tired Friends and Tough Love

Being the friend or close relative of a loved one with an eating disorder (ED) isn’t easy.  Even if you’ve been there yourself and understand what he or she is going through, it’s really, really difficult to be compassionate and helpful all the time.

Consequently, sometimes the best thing you can do is say “get help… or goodbye.”

If you’ve ever seen one of A&E’s intervention programs, you know what I mean.  Usually, the person with an addiction (and the cycle of EDs operate much like alcoholism and drug-abuse, in my opinion) is given a choice:  “Go into treatment this minute, or lose all our support, whether financial, emotional, or something else.”

The same thing can be done with a person who has an ED, as cruel as that sounds.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.  On anyone.

From the perspective of the mom, dad, best friend, boy/girlfriend, teacher, coworker, spouse, employer, it’s horrifying.  And from the perspective of the person with the eating disorder, it’s equally terrifying.  Yet if neither side ever changes, the cycle is doomed to repeat itself.

To those of you dealing with another person’s ED, I am not suggesting you give up, especially if the individual suffering from anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder wants to become healthy and is making steps in that direction.  However, if he or she is simply using you as a crutch or an enabler, then it’s time to rethink how you can best show your love for him/her.

Remember the old adage — you cannot change someone else, but you can change the way you react to him or her.  If you stop giving the anorexic or bulimic the power in your relationship, he or she will be forced to either look for it elsewhere or go without it entirely or (and this is the hope) decide that getting well is more important than retaining control over every ounce of your relationship.

Again, I’m not asking you friends and family members to do this without some serious forethought.  After all, the emotional strain on you will be intense and practically overwhelming at times.  But if you don’t do something, you’re allowing the ED to win.  You’re allowing the ED to take over.  And chances are good that it won’t go away without some life-changing catalyst.

Certainly, you could try an intervention and the anorexic or bulimic could wind up giving you the finger literally or figuratively and simply go his/her way.  The ED could result in the death of your loved one (EDs have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder), causing you to feel ”what if?” guilt.  That’s all true.

Yet someone has to take the first step. 

And it might not be your BFF, daughter, mother, wife, or lover. 

It might have to be you.