To Tell or Not To Tell
July 12, 2007 by gayla
Filed under Relationships
From a Dating Dames Reader asking for the advice:
Dear Dating Dames,
I have a close personal friend who has grown so serious over a certain girl that he’s considering proposing to her soon. I’d hoped he would find out on his own that she has cheated on him several times. That doesn’t seem to be the case and I’m afraid he’s going to get even deeper in something that will end up hurting him much worse.
Should I tell him what I know?
I’ve actually been in a similar situation before and opted to go to the significant other first asking that they not place you in the position of having to tell. Let the S.O. know that one way or the other, your friend will find out about the escapades on the side and he’d probably take it much better from his S.O. then from a friend.
Honesty is always the best approach and when a partner unveils something so painfully and brutally honest, it says a lot for their character.
Perhaps the couple had an agreement held privately that they were seeing other people?
There could be any number of reasons and rather than being the one caught with the egg on your face, try going to the S.O. first.
Anyone else have a better idea?
The first time I told a “Friend” a fight ensued and it wasn’t nice. The second time I confronted a friend about a similar situation he took it well (maybe he didn’t believe or didn’t want to believe). He did marry her and it lasted a few years yet he finally caught her and that was that.
I had this experience. I told. They married anyway. It deeply effected the relationship and they eventually got a divorce. But, I wasn’t a “participant” by keeping the secret for the cheating partner.
Whether they decide to waste 5 years on giving it a shot is not up to me. But, at least telling gave me a clear conscience.
I once found out that a friend had befriended me to get closer to my husband who she had a crush on. Turns out lots of our other friends knew about her obsession with him. I have no doubt that my husband didn’t return her affection, but the thing that pissed me off was all our friends who knew her “motives” for being my friend.
They never told me and I’m still kind of mad about it. I don’t trust them anymore and basically am not interested in restoring the previous level of intimacy with any of them. They are obviously not interested in “my best interest.” Therefore, I shouldn’t invest my time and energy in being friends with them.
I say you should never participate in someone else’s marriage and that includes keeping secrets for a cheating spouse. Especially if it’s your “friend” whose being cheated on. What kind of “friend” is okay with you marrying a cheater? No kind I want.