Tribe is Tribe

The other night, I went out for coffee with an old friend. Someone who had been there through boyfriend problems, family fights, work woes, and someone who had selflessly given me a couch to sleep on when I was feeling lousy, but didn’t want to be at home anymore (before you think I am a sefish B – she got good stuff from me too). This was the first time we had seen each other or really even spoke in an entire year.

The reason for our estrangement? Me. Why? A bit of a longish story….but one worth relating.

Almost exactly a year ago, was the start of an incredibly bad health year for me. This blog has been a journal of sorts, so you most likely know all about my health struggles of last year. What initially happened actually had nothing to do with her- but she just got caught in the cross-fire of a head trip that I had pulled on myself.

It started when another very good friend of mine, got really tired of watching me be sick all the time. Not that I was complaining about it, I was just living with it. And not really doing too good of a job at that. Doctors’ couldn’t really help me. Alternative medicine was only half helping. I kept getting sick and would get a little better- just to get sick all over again (but worse). I was getting a little tired of fighting all the time. “G” had decided that he had enough, and refused to watch me die. He was at least honest about it. Recurring bouts of pneumonia can most certainly put you on the list for hospitalization – and that is just a short trip to the wait list for death.

While I pretend to have a busy life – my friends are all in the same boat. Work, family, life, social commitments – they take up a huge amount of time. When I am sick, and cutting back on activities, I tend to forget that the people in my life do not have to do the same. So while I am stuck in bed, feeling not fantastic wishing that someone would pick up a phone or drop by for tea- I tend to get upset when that doesn’t happen. In case you didn’t pick up on what I said – the key word was “wish”. This is something to remember. Even the bestest of friends do not have ESP. Of course, I sent a few “how are you?” emails. I couldn’t really pick up a phone (its hard to talk with pneumonia), but not everyone has the time to respond to generic salutations via email. I certainly do not answer every single email that I get. Did I tell her that I was sick, and needed her to come hang out with me. I don’t remember, but probably not. Had I sent her a text message or email that said 911 – I probably would have gotten a response.

So while I was stewing over the fact that my closest friend in the city, no longer wanted to have anything to do with me, because it would hurt him too much if I had died (I know that I sound utterly dramatic here), I had somehow twisted things in my brain to think that everyone in my life was feeling the same way. In short, I had felt abandoned by the people that I really needed in my life. When in reality, they were just really busy. My way of handling it was a big F*** You to everyone I knew. If they could just cut me out of their lives without any consequence, then I could do the same.

What a trip we can play on ourselves.

After about 7 months of the initial disappearance my friend Lisa, tried to reach out to me via a few emails. At that point I was firmly settled into my delusional trip. I wanted to have nothing to do with her, or anyone else, for that matter. My so called tribe had been euthanized. I hurt her, by responding with total nonsense that I didn’t mean. I reacted that way, to prove to myself, that I could be mean spirited and unforgiving – like the way I felt that I had been treated by her.

Two months after that went down, I caught meningitis. When I started feeling a bit better, I had made a promise to myself that I would reach out to the people that I cared about. Including “G” and Lisa (and a whole slew of others). That didn’t exactly happen. Basically what it comes down to is that I got busy (isn’t that rich?). I didn’t mean to exclude anyone. But I kind of got caught up in getting myself well. I had to make the decision – did I want to be popular, or did I want to live. I chose life.

Which is why I was surprised and happy, that Lisa reached out to me a few weeks ago. I am not 100% sure on her reasons. I am just glad that she was brave enough to do it. I am pleased that we made a date for coffee. I am really happy that seeing her felt like absolutely no time has passed.

So what is the lesson here? Well first of all….Tribe is Tribe. Even when you are on the outs with someone who is important to you, it doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about you, and wishing you well. If the relationship is worth fighting for – then you fight by any means necessary.

2. When you are feeling lousy, and your head is playing a trip on you. Take a time out, and say – lets revisit this topic when I am feeling a bit better. Write your issue down somewhere, and revisit it in a week or a month, or 3. But don’t react at that time. It’s stupid. A lot of grief could be caused for absolutely no reason.

3. Try to remember that if you don’t hear from someone for a while its not because they are upset with you. It could be something like their job and their family is taking up a big portion (or all of) their time.

4. Let people know when you need them. I would have been thrilled if I had a 5 minute visit from her (or anyone) when I was ill. I just forgot to ask – because I just thought that she would have known that I needed it.

Anyway, to my friend Lisa – I really am very pleased that you reached out to me. Thank you.

**Picture Source – flickr