What Are You Communicating to Your Mate?
January 6, 2009 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
Communication is a pain. I should know, it is what I do for a living as well as how I live. Everything that I do is basically based on communication.
- My work (freelance writer/pro-blogger, author)
- My hobbies (reading, writing poetry, painting)
- My style (talking will solve everything)
Yet I find that lately Marc and I are not communicating and it is my fault. It is my fault because I want to communicate something to him that has no words and he is not bi-lingual. If I try to make words for something that has no words then the words are far less meaningful than what I am trying to say.
Because of this we are in a deep holding pattern right now.
I wonder sometimes if it would not be better for me to just give up and sink into the great sea of acceptance that so many couples seem to float in. That place where sex is average, conversation revolves around work and kids, and passion is something to be saved for football games and the kids’ soccer tournies. You live, you die, and in between you just try to be a decent sort of person.
Communication happens at many levels. The words are the most basic and superficial I think. Then comes the tone of voice, the body language, the look in the eye, and finally…the words that are spoken in the quiet between sentences.
A problem arises when you are in a relationship with someone who communicates on a very different level than you do. I think that more women communicate with unspoken methods and more men rely on words.
For example. Let’s say that I say to Marc, “I don’t know if we can work this out. Maybe we are just bad for each other”
(o.k., honestly, I DID find myself saying that yesterday)
What does Marc hear?
I think he hears “I am giving up, I am leaving, etc.” I could be wrong because as I all ready said we are not communicating well.
But what did I say?
- I am scared
- Please don’t let me go
- Protect me
- Hold me
- Fight for me
- I don’t understand what is happening
- Tell me this is going to work out an be o.k.
- Tell me that you will follow me anywhere I go and bring me back, no matter what
- Tell me I am the best thing that ever happened to you
- Keep me from making a mistake
- Would you get back up on your frickin’ white horse!
SO…what was Marc’s response? He shrugged a little and was quiet. At least I think he was. And this is what I “heard” from that:
- It’s your choice
- I can’t stop you
- You are not worth the effort
- Maybe you are right
Now, bear with me here…I think he was probably just saying:
- Ouch
- I am scared
- I don’t know how to fix this
- If I touch you I am afraid you will pull away
- I don’t know how to respond
Well, that is all well and good but how can you use this in your own relationship?
Why don’t you take some of this into your own communication. Go buy some wine or coffee or whatever. Put the kids to bed early, send them to the grandparents, or plunk them down with a movie and a babysitter. Get some privacy.
Now talk. What are you really saying to each other? What are you afraid of? What do you need from each other? Don’t use regular lights, use candles if possible. Keep it intimate. If you have the guts to do it talk to each other naked. I know..I know..but you know what? You are vulnerable when you are naked and you need to be vulnerable to your spouse to hear and to communicate what needs to be heard and communicated. Agree before hand that there will be no sex unless both of you really find that you want it at the end of the conversation (and you might, communication is a hot …hot…hot…bit of foreplay)
Look into each other’s eyes. Ask questions. If you don’t understand something then ask for clarification. “Did you mean to say xyz?”
Take a chance, risk something, be passionate about your relationship. O.k. is not good enough. Average is for lazy people.
image:sxc
Bravo! That last line says it all…
That is the difference in great relationships and relationships…
The passion:
*to fight
*to love
*to hate
*to need
*to lust
*to desire
*to fear
Find the passion in all of it, and I think it grows beyond mediocrity and into bliss.
Even with hard spells… love still should be tangible!
Good luck! I hope you can pin him down to a conversation.
I think if I get a good running start…
You know, Erin (our oldest daughter) used to pin her younger siblings down and make them think she was going to let a glob of spit fall on them…I got that mental picture with your comment..thanks for the laugh.
“Let’s say that I say to Marc, “I don’t know if we can work this out. Maybe we are just bad for each other” ”
That’s been echoed word for word and more’n once within my earshot.
I’d wager that its been oft repeated in just about every long-term marriage.
And yeah, on hearing it, the immediate reaction is to get pissed and upset ’cause it DOES sound as if you are leaving, giving up. The worst of it is hearing the DISAPPOINTMENT in the words. Thinking you are hearing ” You’ve let me down in every way, wished I’d married someone else, etc., etc. ”
Marye, you’re leaving out the fact ( hypothetically speaking ) that with the “I don’t know if we can work this out. Maybe we are just bad for each other” – are a lot of tears and you’ve been telling him everything is bad, bad, bad. A torrential flood’s been underway, lol.
But your translation into what you are really saying is great. I’m going to keep your bulleted-list handy. Realising what is really being said will go a long way in reshaping a negative reaction into a positive one.
Happy you did this blog.
“I hope you can pin him down to a conversation…going to let a glob of spit fall on [him]”
Now, that sounds like it might be fun.
David…there are only two areas in our marriage that are awful and seemingly unfixable. Oddly everything else is very very good.
My mom used to tell me I didn’ do anything halfway..I was either very good at something or pitiful at it…I guess that is true.
By the way David…you missed the point. Did you buy the wine and sit down with Meggy and do what I said?
I didn’t think you had….Off to the dragon with you.
“David…there are only two areas in our marriage that are awful and seemingly unfixable. ”
Yes, you KNOW that in the calm of reflection, but thats not what is being SAID at the moment the row is going on, is it? lol
I know how things like that go, Marye/Meggy/. I’ll bet I could watch in amazement as occurrences and events are suddenly erased in your mind and DID NOT happen, lol
I’ve learned that in the twilight of peripheral vision truth/reality is perceived a shade differently by the two sexes. It was a most peculiar revelation.
Listen, if you are able to keep things in logical perspective, separating that which is from that which ‘feels like’ during emotional rows, you are an extraordinary woman indeed and also a complete anomaly in your gender!
“…Did you buy the wine and sit down with Meggy and do what I said?”
YES MA’AM RIGHT AWAY MA’AM
“…I didn’ do anything halfway.”
hmmmm….hmmmm
Oh, lucky man!
you are an extraordinary woman indeed and also a complete anomaly in your gender!
Yes I am. I generally say thinks like…”I know this is my perception but…”
or
“It FEELS like you are….”
I know that people can have different perceptions. I know that this thing looks completely different to Marc than it does to me. I accept that.
And nothing that occurs is suddenly erased in my mind. I am the most logically illogical person you will ever meet.
Oh, lucky man!
and someday he will wake up and realize just how true that is.
“And nothing that occurs is suddenly erased in my mind. I am the most logically illogical person you will ever meet.”
Yup! She said a lot of other good things but this statement I have to second for sure.
Now back to the doghouse…:(
I’ll trade you the Queen’s Dungeon for your doghouse, eh?
No thanks David…