What Defines True Love?

In my devotional today I came across this passage from a Madeline l’Engle book:

  My son-in-law, Alan Jones, told me a story of a Hassidic rabbi, renowned for his piety. He was unexpectedly confronted one day by one of his devoted youthful disciples. In a burst of feeling, the young disciple exclaimed, “My master, I love you!” The ancient teacher looked up from his books and asked his fervent disciple, “Do you know what hurts me, my son?” The young man was puzzled. Composing himself, he stuttered, “I don’t understand your question, Rabbi. I am trying to tell you how much you mean to me, and you confuse me with irrelevant questions.” “My question is neither confusing nor irrelevant,” rejoined the rabbi, “For if you do not know what hurts me, how can you truly love me?

With so many men and women longing to be loved in their marriages and believing, for what ever reason they are not, I wonder how apropos the rabbi’s words were to all of us?

Bear with me as I wax philosophical this morning…no coffee yet.

We grow up and during that process we all experience hurt, rejection, pain…most of us deal with it as best we can and move on into our adult lives believing we have the tools to be “mature” adults who are now ready for permanent relationships.

We find the perfect mate.  They too have compensated for the wounds and the  hurts and we limp along together.  But while we may be encouraged to explore what makes our mate feel loved I don’t think most of us ever considers what hurts them.  And I don’t think most adults want to uncover that sensitive part of themselves.

If you knew exactly what hurt your mate would you cease doing it?

Maybe tonight would be a good time to sit down with a cup of coffee and ..umm…expose yourself.   What hurts you? What hurts your mate?

I think I know what hurts Marc. I think it is criticism and not having faith in him as a man and leader of our family.  And I think I have been guilty of a lot of that lately.

When my emotional needs aren’t met then the natural reaction is to become grasping.

I nursed every one of our kids..they all weaned at different ages but some of them weaned well into toddlerhood.  When they wanted to nurse, for hunger, thirst, or comfort they would nearly undress me no matter where we were or who was there.  They were determined to get what they needed.

I think emotionally we sometimes do that to our mates in the name of love.  In our society our love is a needy thing rather than a mature thing, wanting to have it our own way, in our time and our place.

It seems easy to point out that people like me, who are verbal, are like that…wanting to change others.  I know Marc could easily point at me and say “You want me to be different, someone who I am not.” because I have shared my needs with him and what I need from him.  It is obvious.

But even if you are the quiet type, like Marc, you may be requiring your mate change to meet your needs.  I have had to change immensely to accommodate Marc’s unspoken  wants and needs and preferences, and yet I think he would say that he never “asked” me to change…Which is technically true.  But change I have, and there has been no choice except just chucking the relationship and moving on…which is not a choice for me.

I think that the times our marriage has been the best has been when each of us is more concerned with the needs and wants of the other than we are with our own needs and wants.

The most difficult thing in the world is to be true to who you are while at the same time seeking the best for your mate.

I haven’t found that line, have you?

p.s..we have been getting some ads on site that we have no control over.  Tech support is working on it..but if you get to the page and there is an offensive ad just refresh the page and it should go away.  thanks for bearing with us through this.

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