What do you get for the child who doesn’t ask for anything?
December 15, 2008 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
‘Tis the holiday season and I have pretty much finished shopping for everyone on our list, from relatives to my sister to multiple cousins, office staff, the letter carrier, Charlie’s teacher and aides, Jim—-and I’m down to one last person.
Charlie.
What do you get for the boy who doesn’t seem to want anything?
Today’s Chicago Tribune captures this dilemma:
Parents struggle with whether to oblige the child who desires nothing more than church directories, word puzzles, spinning toys or even cleaning supplies—all real examples from youngsters’ wish lists.
Friends might see the child’s exotic interests as humorous or cute. But the youngster’s family recognizes that the obsession represents their child’s special need for a coping tool or bridge to the outside world that is otherwise confusing and overwhelming.
One mother, Laurie Jerue, whose 20-year-old daughter Sarah is autistic, has “struggled for years with bittersweet emotions as she bought her daughter Big Bird toys while the girl’s peers moved on to teenage interests.” Over the years, the Chicago Tribune notes, she’s realized that her daughter is “merely a collector”—-as Jerue says,
“Once I let go of some of those social expectations . . . and bought what I just thought would make her happy, it’s all been good.”
Charlie’s often looked for a long time at Barney and Wiggles DVDs (Teletubbies bring a fast “NO!”) in the store racks, and then said “no” when asked if he’d like to get one. He’s often received DVDs of movies like Harry Potter that he’s not been inclined to watch; just yesterday, I saw him taking out the DVD cases, and often his interest in things grows, very slowly, over time. He’s been on and off interested in electronic toys (Gameboys, iPods, and the like). Last year we got Charlie a new bike and he certainly regularly requests, and takes a lot of joy in, long bike rides with Jim. (Get a basket for his bike, maybe?)
Charlie’s favorite things—-the things that he does indeed ask for and clearly wants—are often things he’s had for awhile (his old beat-up blue backpack) and, too, things that belong (belonged) to Jim, me, my parents. If I may say so, he lacks consumer consciousness and frankly, in an age when a Walmart worker got trampled to death by very over-eager (understatement) on Black Friday, I feel more than grateful that Charlie’s our boy.
(In other words, I’ve already got all the gifts I need.)
And if I may rephrase my title—-it’s not so much that Charlie isn’t asking for anything. It’s that I need to listen to better to what he’s telling me, about what he does not want, and what he does.
Kristina
Aren’t there little colored lights that you can buy that are powered by the bike? They’re sort of flashing or flickering because the current generated is not constant.
Well-said, Kristina.
Pete is not at all interested in toys either. But he does like music so much and he’s got quite the CD and DVD collection now. I have a friend with 3 autistic children and she does most of her holiday shopping at Staples — her kids LOVE office supplies. I think the whole point is finding what makes our kids happy, not adhering to what social standards might be.
I, for one, am glad my 7 year old is not into violent video games like many of his peers.
when it comes to his interests, the two things i see most often here are: 1. nostalgia and 2. things that help him organize his nostalgia.
i can’t remember the specific objects, but you had described something that held either CDs or DVDs and it kept tearing, so that you had to tape it over and over.
So, those sorts of things: containers, backpacks, cases. Things that organize and shelter his lovely objects.
Not that that’s helpful as a gift suggestion…the containers themselves become favorite items, to the extent that new ones might not interest him…but those are the recurring threads.
Good luck…hope the three of you have a pleasant holiday.
For Nicholas it was vaccuums for a very long time. He went through about 6 or 7 toy vaccuums and loved the manuals to our real vaccuums. He has moved on to video games.
Another interest is Pokemon cards. I think it’s partly the organizing and arranging and then rearranging of the cards that he loves so much. Collecting and organizing, as others have mentioned…
For us, it’s trains trains trains, and did I mention trains?
He has on again off again love affairs with vacuums and produce, though.
I hear this a lot – we just had our Buddy Club Christmas party for the kids, and several of the parents said the very same thing. The biggest thing they may want is a video game.
The bike basket is a good idea. Does he like the stars? How about a pair of binoculars (not expensive but they have to be a certain size, check out the web for ideas) and a star chart, and/or book on stars? You don’t need a telescope to start.
The buddies just did a very cool thing at the local university’s planetarium, and you should have heard all the “supernova” questions. However, that came from interest in a video game, not science, per se….
To that end…..be really glad he’s not asking for things like video games. All the ones Bug asked for this year cost $50…. @@
May I recommend a book (for the parents)? Its point of departure is special interests, and it’s not at all specific to holiday giving, but it’s a good potential source of ideas (year ’round):
_Just Give Him The Whale!_, by Paula Kluth.
My son stumped Santa yesterday. He asked him for Apollo mission patches. Santa looked at me and I nodded behind my son, and said that Santa might find some patches for him. Santa said later that that was a first for him!
@M,
my mom already asked about getting Charlie a new bag to put the CDs and DVDs in………!!!!!! Charlie often just wants to carry around that old backpack (stuffed with his bucket of photos, not that he looks at the photos anymore, and a couple of picture books), and rarely opens it.
@Storkdok,
Always good to keep Santa on his toes!
Kitchen utensils. Amigo enjoys kitchen utensils as fidget tools. Don’t tell him, but he’s getting a crock to keep his utensils in so I don’t inadvertantly use them in the kitchen!
I am so getting ideas, thank you!